The pain of not moving while they move on
Me and my ex fiance broke up almost 3 weeks ago. In that time we got back together for a little and tried again. This recently ended again with her saying she doesn't know what she wants and doesn't think she is in love with me or if she was ever in love with me but she says she still loves me as a friend. She wants us to be friends. Now honestly I've started to realize that she wasn't the woman I thought she was and I've seen an ugly side of her during this whole break up but I still want to be with her. The hardest part of everything is that I have not been able to stop crying or get anything done because I am so depressed but she is out having fun with her friends and moving on already even though our break up is still so fresh. It hurts to realize that this is truly making her happier. When we first broke up she did the same thing but then she told me that at night she cried and drank herself to sleep because she too was hurting but I think after our second attempt now she is over me. It hurts to think that she has moved past when I am stuck in such a dark place. She is coming over today to pick up the rest of her things and talk so that we can try to become friends but I am unsure of what to say. I've writen 3 letters to her, one trying to get her back, one when I was angry and sad, and another when I had accepted the fact that I do not belong in her life but I want to be. I don't think i'll be reading any of them but hopefully we can talk and the words can truly come from my heart.
Hi everyone I wanted to share a l video with all of you (sorry if this is against the rules). It is a video that helped me alot way way back in the day. Sorry if you don't like anime ( i used to be a huge fan back before her) but the message in it is so powerful to me. I hope you all like it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7E0oUP_cq5I
Aaaaand I just checked her social media. I'm going to start posting everytime I do it so i know what time I did it and hopefully I can start making it longer and longer without checking. Idk why I even checked.... honestly I think at this point its not even about me wondering if she missed me but it's me wondering if I am being talked about or thought about, I think it's an ego thing at this point. And from the posts it looks like I'm not even being thought of anymore so it kinda hurts that I don't matter to her at all anymore. I just wish I could stop caring about her, like today is the day her dad is having surgury and I genuenly care about how it goes even though i know he probably wants to kick my ass. Why do I care about those that don't care about me?!?!?!
The urges are bad today. I really want to check it again but I know I can't so I'm writing this. I realized something sad. Her dogs who loved me sooooo much will most likely never see me again and they won't know why. They both were so happy to see me everytime and now they will never see me again and I will never see them again. I think I'm going to miss them more than her. The poor dogs did nothing to deserve this. I miss her dogs, her family, and even her friends. I miss the life I had with her but not her. It's weird. I actually am starting to hate her but I miss the idea of her. I know I'm more in love with the idea of her than her but I'm still lonely. I wish I had a dog to pet right now
Uggghhh I know that I'm just lonely. There's 2 girls who've liked me on a dating site recently and I'm really tempted to reach out to them. I know I'm not ready and honestly I have no attraction to either of them, physical or emotional. I just feel like if I hook up with someone then maybe I can start to move on more. I know that's sooooo awful and I hate that I think it but I think I'm going to go to the bars tonight and try to talk to some girls. I just want to make my last kiss not with her. I can still feel her lips on mine and I need to change that
I hate myself right now. SO there's something about the breakup that I didn't even realize would affect me until today. We were so co-dependant on each other. She depended on me for emotional support and to always be there for her, and now she doesn't need me. But I was so dependant on her for transportation. I don't have a car, all i have is a bike. Today I needed to go grocery shopping. I just biked a total of 3 miles on unsafe roads to pick up literally 5 things cause that's all I could fit in my backpack. I hate the fact that I can barely be self-sufficient. I still need her help. I know that eventually I could order groceries for deliver or take an uber but with me paying both halfs of the rent now I can't afford to do that. This feeling of not being able to survive alone sucks. And i feel so shitty about it that I totally just checked her social media. She is going on a weekend trip to the mountains with her granparents and aunt and she is going to roast marshmellows and have fun all weekend. I just feel like I am being so left in the dust. I can barely buy groceries and she is going to the mountains, planning trips to visit her best friend across the country, going on road trips. She is living life to the fullest and I can barely afford to live life. I feel so worthless today. It hurts. I'm struggling so much and I don't even know why anymore. I hate this feeling so much. I hate that leaving me gave her everything and took away my everything. I feel so empty.
aaand now i'm crying and looking at old pictures of us.....
@SirPounceALot I feel so pathetic. I still look at pictures of her and see the most beautiful, amazing woman in this world and I just feel so dumb that I messed it up. I can't stop looking back at what I could've done. I HATE how i feel right now. I feel like the biggest loser in the world. I had it all and I pushed it away. I feel like I don't deserve love, I don't deserve happiness. I deserve to feel bad and she deserves to be happy. I lost everything and I am still losing. She won everything by leaving me. I told her i'd give her the world eventually, she got it when she walked out that door. Atleast I kept my promise that she would have the world. I just wish I could have it with her.
She used to call me the love of her life.... now i'm not even in her life
I was doing so good for a few days and I literally just fell apart again. This sucks. It hit me like a ton of bricks and out of nowhere. I thought I was getting over her but now I see that I am so far from being alright. I'm not even close to being over her. I feel like my heart just broke all over again. This is so painful. This can't keep happening. I'm feeling a little better now but now i'm just upset that I cried over her again. I had gone like 2 days without crying. I just wish I could skip ahead in time to when I will feel better. It'll be a month since our first break up in 2 days but yet it's only been a week since our 2nd break up. Time is going by so slow yet so fast and it's scaring me. I'm so afraid I'll never get over her and I'll wake up in 10 years alone because of it. Life sucks. There is nothing positive in my life currently. It's so hard to see the happiness that life can bring when right now I am in such a dark place. I want to believe in hapiness but I just don't think I am meant for it.
I'm officially sick of sitting here and feeling sorry for myself. I know i'm not ready but I don't care, tonight i'm going to go out and hit the bars the right way. I'm just going to go, have a few drinks, try to make friends and relax. If i see a cute girl and she seems interested maybe i'll try to strike up a conversation but I am mostly going just to get out of the house. That's in a few hours though. Until then I am going to clean my apartment and relax. I cannot sit here and feel bad any longer.
@SirPounceALot Hey Sir Pounce -- I thought I would check in again today. Getting up and moving can make the world of difference for me, even if it is the hardest thing to do. I always find cleaning strangely cathartic when I'm having a crisis (although I normally hate to do it)! So I hope cleaning the apartment and getting ready for tonight helps you through the rest of today. I saw that earlier today you succumbed to checking social media -- it is such an easy thing to do, and something we all fall prey to, but why not consider blocking her for the time being? People cannot see when they are blocked (so she won't know), but her stuff won't show up on your feed at the very least. It just seems like when things are going in a good direction, checking up on her sends you into a downward spiral. It is one of the few things you can assert control over right now. The co-dependency issue you mentioned earlier is tough and I totally sympathize. I actually do not drive, and it makes me feel helpless at times. What a trek to the grocery store, though! That is an accomplishment all on its own! This might sound weird, but is there a local friend who you can carpool with to the store once a week? It might make shopping more fun and kill 2 birds with one stone? I sometimes exchanged dog-sitting with a friend for grocery store runs.
Anyway, please remember that you really do deserve to have a good time tonight. Rooting for you :)
@StrawberryMarigold Cleaning is going well now. I'm feeling alot better. The problem with me blocking her on social media is that I already deleted all my accounts except facebook. Her twitter and tumblr are public so as long as I have access to the internet I can see them. I'm really trying not to check though. Today was just a really rough day. I don't have any friends in the area since all of my friends graduated and moved away except like 2 (who I am not the best of friends with) which doesn't help my lonelyness problem. I am just going to have to struggle on my own and find a way to grocery shop without help. I really am starting to feel a lot better now. Just the feeling of needing help earlier messed with me. I plan on finishing cleaning and then trying to make a friend or 2 tonight. I know the night will probably end with me barely talking to anyone and stumbling home sad but atleast I will get out of this apartment for a little bit. Who knows, I might actually meet someone. You will all probably see a drunken text post from me later tonight since I can't not write about my feelings for more than like 3 hours haha. Hopefully tonight goes well. Thanks for the encouragement
I seriously only have 1 thing in my life currently that actualyl brings me pleasure and allows me to keep my mind off of her. My good friend who lives kinda far away bought me a video game so we could play together. I love the game and have been playing it alot. The only problem is it's an online game. Recently every time I try to play it my internet can't handle it...... I can't even try to take my mind off things with the 1 thing I enjoy. I guess i need to get better internet but I can't afford to do that right now. I seriously just wanted to play my game until later tonight and then attempt to go out. I swear when it rains it pours. Life really isn't letting me have anything currently. No girlfriend, no money, about to lose my apartment, no close friends, and now no time waster. If i could just have the apartment and this game I would be able to push through but this is killing me. I can't do anything. I'm going to try to play again but if it keeps acting up then I will just need to stop before it frustrates me. I just wish I could have something good in my life.
@SirPounceALot
Thank you I have to take care of myself who will take care of me besides myself
I woke up to this Naww your feeling down your in a low a place when I left my ex I deleted social media and everything I also set the pictures of him and I on fire and threw everything out that was my old past life and after doing that wow I felt good mind you what he put me through I felt like stabbing the prick 50 times and making it look like he done it my mind was very good at imagination lol but I didn't cause I got a purpose in life and that's being a mother I love children and I love being a mum
You are not worthless I'm sorry money is tight for you I know how that feels and petrol is tight for me I can't drive my car half the time cause of money tight once I get 4 things off my back money won't be tight for me that sucks you gotta ride a bike that far just for food everything for me is around the corner which is lucky doesn't a bus go down there and back for you birds cost less then a dog I got 2 birds Budgie's even rabbits for me cost less birds are still great pets and good company :)
I hope you'll be alright I don't have friends in life just friends on here even half the time I don't either
