The pain of not moving while they move on

Naww poor thing thanks I had a good day I'll be helping you later tonight okay its 5pm now for me so I'll help you around 12ish somewhere along there okay please be okay I'm here for you

Well crap. I have officially swiped through all of the tinder profiles in the area. I have zero matches. I know that I just made mine recently and not everyone has had a chance to swipe through for me but wow. I thought I'd get atleast 2 matches by now. I thought tinder would be my best bet since I'm failing at the bars recently but I guess not. I guess I'll just have to keep putting my self out there. It's just hard because I work closing shift weekends so I don't get off work until like 1230 and the bars close at 2... not much time to meet someone

I can't wait to get my confidence back. I used to do the craziest things and talk to literally every person I walked past. I want to go back to being that social, funny, random guy. I lost that when I was with her and right now I don't have the best confidence. But she doesn't deserve to have taken my confidence away. I can't let her have that. I refuse to lose to her. If I let her affect me like this then I lose. I'm going to do my best to put myself out there again. If I get off work at a decent hour tonight or tomorrow night I might go back to the bars. I'm going to reach out to the old bar friends I had and see if they want to go sometimes. I'm going to work hard to find a better job so I don't have to work closing shifts on weekends because that will severely limit my chances of getting out there.

I checked her social media again. I messed up. her tumblr is filled with stuff about love and missing someone and being with someone who truly makes you happy. So either she is missing me alot or she has already moved on and those posts are about someone else. Either way I know I shouldnn't think about it but either way it hurts. I hope they are about me cause it would kill me to know that she is posting things she used to post about me, about another guy.

I'm screwed. I'm so broken still. I couldn't even exercise today. I have a 7 hour work shift later and Idk if i can get through it. To think that she is falling for another guy already kills me. To think that another man is making her smile like i used to kills me. To think that another man occupies her thoughts and has her posted love quotes just like how she did for me when we first started dating, kills me. I am not over her. I'm not even close to being over her. I am so screwed. I cannot handle this. Why did I check?!?!?! I actually hate myself! I can't even not check her social media for more than like a day. I'm falling. I'm falling deep into a hole and I don't think I could ever climb out. She actually destroyed me. She built me up so high and then knocked me down like it was nothing. Now I am nothing. I feel like I don't deserve life. I'm never going to get over her. She will always be the woman I love and the girl of my dreams. She haunts my mind. She is not only over me but moving on completely. I meant nothing to her. I was just a friend who gave her attention, now she gets that attention elsewhere. I know our relationship wasn't good and I know that I can't change any of that. But just to think about how hurt I am and how far moved on she is kills me. I don't even want her back after the things we went through. I just wish she felt anything towards me, like our time together wasn't a waste. I wish she felt some of the pain that I feel. I feel so alone

And I know that this is just who she is. She is an awful human being. Honestly even if she does get into a relationship with this guy it won't last because she is so terrible. I don't think she could ever find love the way she is now. She refuses to let anybody in ever. I know that she is just craving attention but it still just stinks. To know that I could be so easily replaced. To know that I meant nothing to her when she meant the world to me. And I know eventually I will find someone to love because I can truly love unlike her. I know I will but it just hurts being so alone right now. To truly have nobody. To truly have no motivation to get out of bed in the morning. To have no motivation to go to work later (which is going to be awful because I can't get her out of my mind). I know all this will pass eventually but current it feels like forever and I feel as if I am making zero progress. The first thing I need to do is stop checking her social medai because you are all right. Every time it sends me spiralling back down. I start to climb back out of this hole and then I jump right back in. I need to stop caring about her. I really am trying. lets see how long I can go this time without crying or checking her social media. I need to start living my life.

No more self loathing. Time to realize how awful she is. She lead me on for so long. She cut me out of her life even as a friend afterwords because she didn't like seeing the pain she caused. She is honestly a whore and has always been one. She was so naggy and annoying sometimes. She shut down anytime we started to argue which just shows how immature and unready for a relationship she is. She was sooo clingy and then would get mad at me for little things like wondering where she was when she would go missing for hours at a time but if I stopped responding to texts for like 15 mins I was the bad guy. She broke a promise that she made to me. She didn't stand up to her friend about us. She lied to me on multiple occasions. She was leading me on because she was bored and lonely. She acts like a queen when really she is just a bitch. She is an attention whore. She is a complete slut. She never deserved how well I treated her. SHe didn't even see how well I treated her, She said that she put me first when she did nothing for me. SHe was awful with money, her entire paycheck would be spend in a day and then I would have to pay for gas for her. She made awful decissions. She put herself in bad situations on purpose and then would cry for attention when bad things happend to her. She insulted me about my biggest insecurity but one time when i said something that wasn't even about her insecurity but she thought it was, she flipped out and stopped talking to me for a day. She was the biggest hypocrit I have ever known. Her social anxiety was so annoying to deal with, I had to talk to everyone for her and be there for her all the time. I had to be strong for her 24/7 but the second she was even a little bit stressed she would toss me aside like I was nothing. She changed drastically when she was stressed. She was cold and unloving a lot of the time. Getting her in a good mood was like flipping a coin. Some days she would be lovey and other days she wouldn't even want to hold hands with me. She was an awful girlfriend and I only believed I loved her because I had nobody else and she gave me a place where I thought I belonged. She made me feel home but really I was more in love with the idea of her than I was with her

Hatred is a beautiful emotion sometimes. I don't know what happened this morning but now I don't feel sad. I feel mad, I feel hatred towards her. All my love for her switched to hatred. It's easier to hate someone than be sad for yourself.

Just got back from work and honestly I feel good. It was a good shift. Had a lot of fun with my co workers and really didn't think about her too much except for like a little bit where my mind wondered to some weird scenario where she would come back to me. Other than that though I was good. I feel good. It's been such a rollercoaster though so who knows when that'll change. Now I plan on just sitting back, eating the burger I made for myself at work, having a drink, and watchin netflix until I pass out. I also realized something at work today. This was my first serious relationship. It was never meant to be my only relationship. WHen I started dating her I kinda went into it looking for a friend and just some experience. This was a great experience and it taught me a lot but thats all it was. I was not supposed to find my wife while I am this young and while I still have a lot of serious decisions in life to go. I feel free to make those decisions now. I can choose my life for myself now. I feel good

I just woke up from a dream about her. And since the break up all of my dreams about her have been about the break up but this one was different. I dreamt that we were just hanging out, playing an old game that we used to play together, having fun. And in my dream we were broken up but we were getting along. We had alot of fun and I woke up right at the end when she said "well I need to leave now but it was fun" and then she laughed her laugh that I miss so much. I'm not doing well right now. That was rough. I miss her