The thought of it all being over
So lets see where to begin ive been married almost 6 years and we have a 5 year old and for a while ill be honest i lied about working cause i didnt want her unhappy and to go away cause when things were rough she did before so i cherish her and do all i thought was right when we needed things i would work for my aunt or people i know to make sure we got what we needed. I was the only one working. Then a month ago she knew i wasnt working told me that she has no feelings for me anymore and she hates me and only thinks of me as our childs father and that just killed me cause i have always tried todo everything for so long. So refuses marriage counseling. Gone to the gym and works just about everyday while im home with child. In order todo what i need todo i need compromise otherwise time just ticks by and i feel helpless and alone i have my child who is my best friend. I just dont see how being just me can fix all this she says is my fault. How can i urn trust when she is hardly here and if its working how can i do that. So i just feel time slipping away and nothing i can do
So back to my little journal. All this has really been a journey. It all started with me being ashamed to tell my wife that i wasn't working a real job. And how horrible a person I was. Blaming myself everyday living in fear isolation and depression for the wrong I had done. But I never blamed anyone for my mistake cause I know I was wrong to some extent. The fact that my wife said she hated me and only thought of me as our child's father. It went like that for 4 months. Then changed to I love you and I want to be in this marriage and locked in. Then in the meantime I found work on my days off she is gone dog sitting or things that involves work. She has blocked me on fb and social media aspects I don't exist to her. A guy that she is very close with that lives with one of her new closest friends is recently in a relationship and when seeing me ducked and ran from me. Whenever she went to dog sit always did her eyes and perfumes herself. And then the other night my friends went to see of she was dog sitting And she wasn't there. She was at her gfs house where the relationship guy lives. But she went there to get dog food and chat. But when there I text saying we should talk and after seeing our car parked in front on her house said she just woke up. But I'm told there is nothing going on around my back that i need to trust more cause my insecurities are bad. But gee I wonder why they never existed till now. So my concern is if there is another guy why would you change your tune from not wanting me to i love you stuff. And after I told her all these things she texts me and says that the same gf wants her to have a girl's night out with her and her friend where there will be drinks and she will end up sleeping on her friends couch the same one where that guy lives. So knowing what I do gee of course go ahead ill just were sucker on my forehead why not. Sighs but seriously I have to except it. And now this is my new life. Oh goody. Can't wait to see how the journey ends.
So let's see it's been awhile. I guess we have worked things out sorta of. I have issues I guess overthinking things. There are people she likes to hang out with That with everything don't like me and I'm suspose to be ok with it. She still watches the dogs and stays over people's houses. And things like if sleeping can't sleep if I hold her at night that was never an issue before and I'm kind of hurt by it but I guess it's the price to pay will it last being the way it is I dont know I can't see living life this way forever i care but I get sad alot and it's not like me so who knows
So now i dont know what todo people that my wife has been friends with pretty much said she was with this guy. She swears that it is only me in her heart. And wouldnt jeopardize the marriage. That her friends were mad at her idk some bs yet never commented defending us. So the next step idk.
Now im just blowing off steam. Things have been ok i just let alot go and still have insecurities but think if someone else wants her thats fine by me. So years ago we were willed a car of my grandmothers and yet i know it had given us a ton of problems but it was the last materialistic thing i had left of my grandmothers. Well the other day it died for good and she said that she was going to scrap it weither i liked it or not and without letting me see it for myself or let alone say goodbye to it. And has no understanding how pissed i am at it being taken away out from under me is just wrong and i feel betrayed by her cause it wasnt fair at all yet she doesnt seem to care about that much at all and gets all pissed off at me. Now most of my me just wants to say the hell with it im done the hurt and loss i feel is stronger then the hurt and loss i feel over the thought of her gone. Yet to know if thats a bad thing. But were not really talking and im ok with that too.
Lets see its been awhile. Things have been ok i feel disconnected from the wife.there is just such strange behavior that i have just felt insecure and nothing changes if nothing changes and it really hasnt. We still cant be friends of fb even though i complain about it. Whenever she is on her phone i ask who she is talking to. The other day we got into a huge fight cause she goes to her bosses house and post ebay stuff but why sleep over there. It was twice in one week. Yet i was in the wrong and i make her feel trapped and try to control her. I know in my head its not true well sort of. But still its not like its a real job its under the table and peanuts. But she jumps so high whenever they need her and i will never get that i always thought in a marriage family comes first but now in her eyes it doesnt. So what am i suspose todo suck it up and except things the way they are. Hell were not really even intimate anymore cause she says she is always in pain. Then a friend of mine that is friends with her on fb sent me a post she said about how you make me feel beaitiful again and how you have given me the ability to love again. Some bs so i showed her and asked her and all she said was she was hacked and she deleted it like it wasnt a big deal. So im back to just giving up. Cause i have no idea what true what isnt anymore.
So lets see i might be wrong but. I keep thinking that things would be better. Or at least i hope i dont think i ask to much but i guess my thoughts on being married are just different. The wife works thats great under the table for about 4 bucks an hour. Its something. But like today being a holiday. She had to go sleep over her bosses house and post things on ebay. Normally yes i bitch about it cause i think its not worth it. And like today being the holiday its suspose to be about family or so i think. Now there isnt any fireworks near us tonight but there is the pops on tv and shows fireworks and we could have a fire and do sparklers for our son. But she said oh my boss needs me to post things on ebay tonight and i was like well its a holiday and you spend it with family what kind od heartless boss when only gets paid 4 bucks an hour under the table. All she had to say was i want to spend it with my family and do sparklers and whatever but she doesnt and gives me a hard time that i am controling here and everything else and pretty much ruined my holiday like new years eve she went and did the samething and yet i am wrong. I dont understand it at all. Life is about family when you have one and that should take over anything its one thing where her boss would be like you do this or your fired there is no real reason to not say no. So if i am wrong tell me? But i think ive had enough bs it should stop i just dont know what todo.
Well i guess its been a year or more. And people have stopped posting on this but its ok. Since this all started things were going good. Until i guess i became to needy and messed it all up again. I guess i shouldnt care i tried everything and all i wanted was more attention and in do so got told that i was trying to be controling. So i guess it is what it is. And the outcome is my own wife or at least the one i used to know has stated she has no feelings for me and not even attracted to me but she is working on trying to. So what do i do become miserable depressed and in need of attention i cry out of fustration. Cause what else am i suspose todo besides just give up. I guess i have i just havent been able to let go. This new life isnt the one i had wanted and i feel like i failed at my marriage but i also know i have tried and tried gave up alot of things including my own happiness for a woman i feel like i should spend the rest of my life with. And for what her just to go away. Do i know what she does anymore not really i only get told what she wants me to know will i ever know the truth about everything or anything more then likely no. Do i need to work on myself this time no i have and im comfortable in my own shoes. Do i want to change somethings yup. And it will come in time. Now i just think im to old will i ever find love again or feel what it is truly like to be loved back prolly not. Do i just exist in this world yes i do. At the moment i just exist to die. There is not much fun in me anymore im just a passionate hopless romantic guy with so much love to give yet now dont get it back so im just a fustrated feelinh useless guy who nobody wants. No matter how hard i truly try. So what next i guess get old alone cause i feel to broken for anything else. So if anyone out there has ideas im up for it
@passionateSea6213
Well i guess its been a year or more. And people have stopped posting on this but its ok. Since this all started things were going good. (I don't know about this, you thought they were going good, but we don't know if she felt the same way) Until i guess i became to needy and messed it all up again. (This tells me you let your anxiety take over, you tried to anything in an effort to pull her closer, started of love/attention and then it pushed her away. You got to stop the needy behavior if you ever want a chance with her)I guess i shouldnt care i tried everything and all i wanted was more attention (Her feelings and emotions are not on a level where she can give you this in the way you want it. You are trying to force things upon her out of anxiety, and you are pushing unmet needs on her.) and in do so got told that i was trying to be controling. (She feels smothered and trapped by your behavior which is why she feels she could lose her freedom with you. The more insecure and anxious behaviors you show, the more it will push her away. You can't expect her to meet your unmet needs, because only you can do that.) So i guess it is what it is. And the outcome is my own wife or at least the one i used to know has stated she has no feelings for me and not even attracted to me (You got to really pay close attention to what she says because she is trying to tell you that in this moment she doesn't feel those feelings she once did) but she is working on trying to. (She could try her hardest if she likes, but her feelings won't comeback until you start displaying confident/secure behaviors. Women see beauty in confidence, and confidence is a very magnetic feeling capable of attracting people. You have let insecurities/anxiety take over, wanting her to fill something inside of you and trying to force things out of anxiety so this is going to cause a negative effect on her attraction and how she sees you) So what do i do become miserable depressed (To work on yourself because you are doing more things to push her away, plus she has not been a good partner to you) and in need of attention i cry out of fustration. (The attention part we all do need that, but she isn't willing to give you this, so it triggers past hurt which makes you do things on an attempt to make her do these things without thinking how she feels) Cause what else am i suspose todo besides just give up. (You are trying to save a marriage with a woman who is not feeling it, you deserve far better than this) I guess i have i just havent been able to let go. (More than likely because its scary for you to be alone, afraid that your needs will stay unmet and afraid of starting all over again) This new life isnt the one i had wanted and i feel like i failed at my marriage but i also know i have tried and tried gave up alot of things including my own happiness for a woman (You should always look, match and mirror what the other person is doing for you. Your investment in this marriage was very high, while her investment was probably low, so this is going to make her take you granted. Humans in general are attracted to; 1) what we have to work for, 2) whats scarce, and 3)we value what others value. She has not work for your attention or love at all, you have given it to her so easily after she meets with her boss at night time or doesn't treat you properly. You put your happiness and needs first, it shouldn't be like that because you are the protagonist of your own movie. You gave up on a lot of things on an effort for her to love you and give you attention, not in a genuine way) i feel like i should spend the rest of my life with. And for what her just to go away. Do i know what she does anymore not really i only get told what she wants me to know (This tells me you keep asking her where she is going, and what she is doing so this makes her feel like she doesn't have freedom with you) will i ever know the truth about everything or anything more then likely no. Do i need to work on myself this time no i have and im comfortable in my own shoes. ("The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results" )Do i want to change somethings yup. And it will come in time. (You are postponing things here) Now i just think im to old will i ever find love again or feel what it is truly like to be loved back prolly not. ( I don't know your age, but it doesn't really matter. You are with a woman who is putting zero effort, so being with her is not going to be fun. You are putting your life on hold for a woman who is not treating you properly at times, so it will be hard to experience the joy of love with her) Do i just exist in this world yes i do. At the moment i just exist to die. There is not much fun in me anymore (I can tell in this sentence that you lost who you are and your path in this marriage. People who starved of love tend to invest and please others so much that they often lose their own identity in a relationship or marriage. The fact she isn't showing up the way you want her to is truly affecting everything you do) im just a passionate hopless romantic guy with so much love to give yet now dont get it back (You could have a lot of love to give, but in a romance sense the other person has to feel love/attraction on order to reciprocate) so im just a fustrated feelinh useless guy who nobody wants. No matter how hard i truly try. (Part of the problem with this is that when you get anxious is where you start to try so hard, however being in that fearful state will cause you to do things that will push her away) So what next i guess get old alone cause i feel to broken for anything else. (This tells me you are looking for a partner to take care of you and make you feel loved.) So if anyone out there has ideas im up for it (You have to really seek proffessional help that will help deal and heal with your past hurt, because your past constantly take over your future. It's important to learn the correct behavior to re-attract her, and which behaviors will cause her to feel turn off)
@passionateSea6213,
I am really sorry you are going through all of this,sounds terrible but you know what,it's never too late to be a romantic person and give and receive love and be in a committed relationship.The thing is ,if you feel hearbroken and depressed,it won't be easy to do all of these things.But you can start by loving you first,by telling yourself :"I am worthy of love,I am enough and I will love me first because nobody else can do this for me"!If you have self-love and self-respect,if you practise self-care every day,then you won't need so much another person to complete you or give love to.You should come first because problematic people quickly spot co-dependent people who have this idea that they need to be in a relationship to feel complete and latch on to them and take advantage of them.If you feel that your needs are being neglected in the relationship and you cannot talk about it in an open and honest way,then it's not a healthy relationship for you and you need to get out of there.Toxic people will drain your energy.Give love to you first,then you will attract othe healthy individuals!And also intimacy is very important in a relationship,if someone does not want to be intimate with their partner,there is a problem there,plus it can be a kind of manipulative behaviour,withholding sex as a type of control.Hope this helps,good luck!
So the new part of things. Again i started to feel comfortable and things were getting better. Then i do some looking and find on fb that this guy says she is in a relationship with him. But of course i ask her and she says its not true so i let it go there has been so much it kills me. And brings me low my self worth self eesteme is so low and still what true whats not its hard to follow my heart cause its all hers but who knows thanks for listening as always.
Well lets see after the struggle of thinking my wife is not my wife i still have doubts but she seems to be trying sort of. She is still doing overnights at her bosses house and flea markets. Like today is our 7 year anniversary and she is gone to a flea market till later this afternoon. I feel sad over it but i accept. Then the fight we got into months ago is still kicking my ass cause we were susposed to go see a concert together that was susposed to be a speacil thing but cause we fought she asked her sister and of course her sister said yes and then when we figured it out she wasnt going to back away from her sister even though the following week she is going to another concert with her im hurt but cant do anything about so i move on. So thats how life is now
So like always i try to make the best of things that make no sense to me. I still wonder why she has a need to lie to me. Like friday night she said she has to work doing postings but would be back she came back the next morning. Saying she was with her boss at the hospital. But doing some reaseach she was with the guy she has been seeing and her friend at a bar. When i asked her about it she said her boss wanted a drink and they just showed up. Like im that much of an idiot. Then there was a concert we were susposed to go to but we got into a fight months ago and said she asked her sister and wasnt going to tell her no. So then she left for the concert yesterday morning and i havent heard from her and its almost night. People say that i should do something about it but again i have no idea what todo if i complain then i try to control her.