This is taking a great toll on me

Me and my ex had been together for nearly two years. He deals with Asperger’s and depression whilst I deal with anxiety, so we had our ups and downs. He left me the first time after a few months without a reason and told others around him I was ugly. Then after the summer break, I decided to stupidly give him another chance and we stayed together for a long time. He knew I had bettered myself and he took advantage of that.

I had the best time of my life. We had so many happy memories together. But then, he started taking different anti-despressants and became really cold (I don’t know if it was because of the anti-depressants or not) He often talked about the world being meaningless and strayed me away from religion, which I have difficulty turning back to now. Everything became really painful. He was never there for me anymore, only talking to this girl he met online (who was his ‘best friend’) and he didn’t want to spend time with me anymore

so I was going to initiate the breakup hoping we could still be friends but then he blocked me everywhere and gave me no answers. The summer when we got back to school, he begged me to come back, telling me his teachers told me to block him and he was depressed all summer without me. Why didn’t he reach out to me then??? He’s done everything to get me back. He made a whole animation, wrote about 5 letters, everything. He told me no one will ever try for me the way he did.

now he is really suicidal and the police and school have told me to be in no contact with him because he is a danger to himself and others. Every few days he makes a new account and I have to coldly block him. But one time, I made the stupid decision to meet him and I was traumatised. He was so skinny and had scars all over his face. I think I’ve only recently been able to grasp the reality that we can never be together again. It’s sort of a relief, but makes me feel empty. I feel like I’m grieving someone who is still alive.

his thoughts like ‘the world is meaningless’ really got to me, and now I find myself obsessively searching up different theories of why are we here. I think I have existential depression and I don’t know what to do.

I try to get over him, knowing he was emotionally abusive, but I can only think about the good things. This feels like a drug withdrawal and it’s so painful. It’s been 3 months since we broke up.