When Do You Leave?
Hi,
I've been married for 25 years. Three great kids, 2 in college and one in high school. I've been unhappy for years. It's not a marriage, it's basically a room mate/ co-parenting situation. No sex for 6-7 years. Discovered he's been hiding money. I am pretty sure he has a separate bank account and I've found up to $2,200.00 cash in his car. Also, I am required to check in everywhere I go and text/call on my way home. He gets mad if my plans change and I don't notify him. But he does not play by the same rules: Home late from work, sports, and no one knows where he is. But I'm "looking for a fight" if I ask where he was. Since the kids had plans Friday night and he was coaching a game, I made plans with friends. I was home early, even before any of the kids were home. Because he was "left alone" I got the silent treatment that night. The next morning it turned into sulking, slamming things, and being very passive agressive. And he is the king of gaslighting: He claims to NEVER have said half of the stuff he does and it makes me want to record every conversation we have.
I know I want to leave him but am terrified. Knowing him, he will take every opportunity to let the kids, family, friends, neighbors, etc, know what a horrible person I am. How I lie, make up things about him, etc. and this makes me scared. I can NOT lose the trust of my kids! Plus, on the outside, everyone thinks he's the "Golden Boy". We've done very well financially and he puts forth a kind, compassionate, giving facade to family and friends. He's a prominent figure in our town. My parents love him. His parents think he does no wrong. I'll be thrown to the wolves and no one will believe my side of the story about how stressful living with a narcissist has been all this time.
Sorry this is so long. I have no one to talk to. I have only divulged these details to one friend and my family is in the dark.
@Scoundrel8
Hey, your post touched me. My parents have been married for 27 years and from what you shared I think my mother feels a lot like you. My father has a clean and wonderful reputation but he is not a good partner. And I can understand why you feel like nobody would get it because it wouldn't feel serious enough from an outsider's perspective. It is not easy to show how these behaviours hurt us. You seem frustrated and stressed in this relationship. I am not qualified to give you advice and I'm just an 18-year old but I can understand how overwhelming it can be at times. I just wish partners were more empathetic towards people like you and my mother. I hope things get better for you in any path that you choose. Take care and loads of love. Feel free to reach out for support, on this platform and offline. 💕
@Grace8402
Thank you so much for your reply. That's just it: Nothing is horrendous but I just don't feel justified to be THIS unhappy if you know what I mean. Sorry your mom is going through the same thing.
@Scoundrel8
Your emotions are not unjustified or invalid and you matter. I hope that things get better for you. Take care! ❤
Your husband sounds like a classic narcissist and I’m so sorry you have had to deal with such horrible behavior for so long! I know this is going to be easier said than done but screw what everyone else thinks! Your well-being and peace of mind is #1 and if people want to think he’s great, let them think that! You’ll see who your true friends are and I would distance those who don’t support you. I’m sure your kids will have already known what’s going on and how he’s been treating you and if not, they’ll probably figure it out over time or when they’re older. You need to take care of you! It already sounds like you’ve put up with so much, so do what you need to do to get yourself out of that toxic situation and don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. Maybe talk to a counselor if you can and try to figure out a plan to leave if that’s what you truly want and need. (I know some people who chose to stay with narcissists for whatever reason but it sounds like you’re getting ready to make a separation.) best of luck to you!
@resourcefulOwl7361
Thanks for reaching out. Looking for a counselor now but they're hard to find.
I’m glad you’re looking for a counselor and I hope you find a good one soon! It can take a while to figure out a plan to leave in a way that makes the cleanest break and it probably helps to talk to a professional who has experience with helping others in the same situation. Narcissistic people love to turn people against you so you need all the strength and help you can get! Hang in there and best of luck to you!
@Scoundrel8 You are going through a lot right now. Your 25-year marriage has been non-existant for a long time now. It has finally gotten to the point where you are unsatisfied and unfilled both emotionally and sexually since the relationship lacks any kind of intimacy. You want to live in peace and to be happy. At this time it is hard for you to do that because he is a narcissist and constantly gaslights you and everyone around him. You are currently having difficulty figuring out how to leave him. It's difficult for you because everyone believes in this image of him, which is just nothing more than an illusion. As a result, you feel that any move that you make, he will smear your image and name. You are terrified of that happening, especially due to the fact that your kids are involved. That is scary knowing that he could potentially turn your kids against you. At this time you feel very alone and isolated because you feel that nobody will believe your side of the story; just his. That is a legitimate concern. His actions and behaviors do show to others, it's just that you cannot see this at this point. Also, if you decide to leave, he will show his true colors to other people. That's the opposite that you will have to show what kind of person you are. If you leave and he is slandering and trying to sabotage you and you remain the good person that you are, people will recognize that. Some will not however. The people that do not are the ones supporting his narcissistic abuse and not you. It's important to reach out and find support. You are between a rock and a hard place right now. If you don't leave, it's going to get a lot worse. If you leave, things will blow up momentarily, but will get better over time provided thst you stay strong, get support and heal.
@peacefulIris56
Exactly. If I don't leave I'll be miserable forver. If I do, it might be some short term pain in exchange for long term happiness. I just know I'll b smeared across town and amongst family.
@Scoundrel8 Yes. That's a good insight.
I have left an abusive marriage with a narcissist and unfortunately, I don't think that there is a good time to proceed or an easy way out. He will try to make your life difficult any way that he can. Whatever you do, you will have the bad role and he will be a victim. Have some trust in your children, though. Things might get difficult for a while, but if you raised them properly, they will come back to you and talk. I guarantee you that after a very difficult period of transition, you will feel liberated. It will be the biggest gift that you ever give yourself. Freedom to be yourself is the most important feature of a fulfilled life. You will realize how your self-esteem was damaged by 25 years of gazlighting and criticism. You will be able to savour fulfilling your own dreams. Good luck!