Where do I go from here?
Been together 7 years married almost 4. He has 13yo we have 6 yo together. The 13 has never respected me and husband does not step in to make him listen to me. 13 is now taller than me and gets in my face screaming at me. Husband will go behind my back and give him something I told him no about. Husband is alcoholic and wont admit it. I cant take the constant drinking anymore We do not see eye to eye on most things anymore. He has accused me of cheating which I never have. He has smoked behind my back and lied about it even when he knew I found his cigarettes. It makes me worry what else he is capable of lying about. Whenever we have problems either he shuts me out or its all my fault. He will not go to counseling with me or for drinking. My gut tells me to leave but something holds me back. I dont know if its bc I still hope for a change or if its just the fear of the actual divorce process. I am so torn and feel such a mess. I feel like I am hopeless and a lost cause. All I do know is I cannot keep going like this anymore. I want to protect myself and my 6 yo but I also worry what this will do to him.
@Breathless414
This sounds like a very difficult place to be in - very emotionally and physically exhausting.
I'm not quite sure what to say, just my opinion really (and maybe some personal experience and observation). I hope that's okay.
You fill bound to stay in the relationship because you love some part of your husband - it may still be there under all the addiction and I think you are clinging to hope that it is. You also sound like you are clinging to the hope things will go back to the way "it used to be" when you fell in love and chose to be a couple. He's the father of your child - and you probably feel like he should be there in the child's life.
Painful point here: Is he really in the child's life at this point? Is he providing anything beneficial to the child's development? Or is the addiction interfereing or inhibiting that interaction? A child can become embittered when an addicted parent is "there" but not "involved" due to the preference to get high/drunk/whatever over actively participating with them.
Addiction is a very difficult illness to live with - and change doesn't come fast with it. He is not going to change until he sees a need to - no matter how much you beg, plead, scream, threaten, or say you want him to get help. He has to come to that decision himself and WANT to do it. You can do everything to point him in that direction but until he wants to commit to getting better - it won't happen and he won't change.
You are struggling with this addiction as well ... even if he doesn't go, you go seek out support at Alcoholics Anonymous. They support spouses and family members as well as addicts in situations like this. They offer a platform to say, "I'm worried about him", "I'm worried about the impact on the kids", "I'm worried if I leave him he'll...". Some of them have been there before - they'll listen, they'll cry with you, they'll cry for you, they'll lift you up, they'll help you find hope, they'll help you by offering their experiences, and you'll probably find the answer to the questions you're asking here and already know the answer to - and may be afraid to accept at the moment.
As for the teenager - that scares me. Not just for you but for your younger child. The teenager is being enabled by your husband and feels he has no boundaries or restraints. Screaming at you toe-to-toe isn't far from striking you - I fear. In my own experience, if a teenager is doing this to a parent - they're doing worse to the little sibling because they are there and they often can be intimidated into silence and when they try to communicate what's happening - it's not understood or shrugged off as rough housing or sibling rivalry. That scares me - honestly, to the core - it scares me because I've been there.
I'm sorry if I'm worrying you... I'm probably transferring my emotions and experiences onto the situations and I apologize. But I am afraid for you and your younger child. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is walk away but walking away doesn't mean you made a mistake, are a failure, or your giving up on someone who is trapped in addiction. You're walking away from something - that at this moment - is unhealthy, dangerous, and isn't what is best for you (or your child). This doesn't mean you have to stop talking to him and supporting him - keep reaching out but realize he may not reach back. If you aren't able to stand strong for yourself and your little one now and in the future -- you can't stand strong for your husband when he finally makes the decision, imo.
You aren't being selfish. It isn't your fault. You are not a crutch. You are not a whipping post. You are not the cause of the problem. You are not an excuse. You are not the reason he is addicted. You don't have to rescue him at the sacrifice of yourself.
You are strong and wise - and you already have your answer to what you think should be done, I think.
Please take care.
@breathless, I would also ask, where's the teen's mother? Is she around?
Like confucious, I worry about your younger child, and his safety and well-being is of the utmost importance. It's only natural to worry about your husband as well; however, his choices are not your fault, and you shouldn't be obligated to stay if you or your child is in danger.
Confucious brings many valid points, and dealing with addiction on top of an out-of-control teenager is not the easiest situation, but it's not just a matter of obligation, it's a matter of personal safety.