10 Steps to Calm Your Upset Partner
1. Recognize the difficulty
Tell your partner that you are eager to resolve the problem, but dealing with their negative emotions is challenging.
2. Learn how to self-soothe
As soon as you feel overwhelmed by your partner's words, it's probably best to end the exchange for that time. Otherwise, you could explode or shut down.
Take a break and self-soothe can help avoid escalate the situation.
3. Remember that understanding is your goal
Don't jump to conclusions, minimize their feelings or try to solve the problem. Just listen and hear what they have to say.
4. Analyze the issue
To show support while gaining an understanding, ask open-ended questions and offer exploratory statements.
5. Avoid “Why?”
'Why?' will plunge you into the problem-solving process - beware because the goal is to make them feel heard and understood.
Instead of “Why do you feel that?” ask “Help me understand how you feel.”
6. Let them know you are there for them
Often, witnessing someone in distress will just involve letting them know you understand what they are feeling and why they are feeling that way.
7. Speak your partner’s language
For example, use the same metaphor or similar ones if they are using metaphors.
8. Avoid trying to cheer them up
You may be tempted to lighten up the mood with humor or shift the topic, but most of the time your partner wants you to simply be there and listen.
9. Do not suggest they ‘calm down’
In some cases, your partner may feel justified of their annoyance of being told to calm down. Additionally, phrases such as "don't be silly" are more likely to escalate the situation.
10. Recognize what is lost
Upset is often based on loss. You might try asking them where the sadness (or other emotion) comes from, or whether they have felt that they have 'lost' something.
Discussion:
🔴 Have you tried any of the above whenever conflict happens?
🔴 Which step do you feel is the most challenging part to do as ‘upset person’ may say something harsh or hurtful?
I did a lot of these things when we decided to go on a break. I was mad, and confused.
Hi @Jmnelms
What had worked and at which point it didn't work well?
Like everything in life, some things are different for every one
@Equinox56
I agree 😊 Any other tips to share, perhaps?
Useful points, I can resonate with most of them.
As for point 2, how would one self-soothe?
Also in point 2, I recognize myself in exploding (volcano erupting). Damaging, so I am working on that. My partner shuts down when she gets overwhelmed, which she is lately, acoording to her. You won't notice on the outside, if you don't know her and are not living with her. She can switch off easily she told me, to survive. What is the best way to deal with that (I find it difficult to deal with)? Or let is be? Shutting down worries me, I am genuinely concerned.
@dukeofdearham
Sounds like she's the yin to your yang 🙂 the 2 halves that complete each other. The challenge is keeping the balance as to not overwhelmed each other.
What do you think had ruined the balance?
@ouiCherie,
she wrote that down in Word documents, that she and the guy I mentioned to you are twin flames. Up to the point her writing down thoughts that she wanted to be intimate with him, and coming up with multiple reasons why that couldn't be. I am rather spiritual, I don't do stuff like "twin flames", like meeting your other half. There is no other half. It's just meeting someone you deeply resonate with, because that someone fills your emotional needs/gaps, and vice versa.
As for the balance, we went from heaven into h ell. I got taken over by emotions, at least I figured out recently where they originate from. My wife desperately tried to help, didn't work. We both found ourselves in a situation we both didn't want, couldn't talk about to each other. Speaking for myself, I never learned to find the balance within.
@dukeofdearham
Yeah that's tough when it's already got to that point where you both start to drifting apart.
Do you think focus on the goal would help? What's the goal? peace and getting back together? What will make you closer to the goal and what will make you further than the goal?
@ouiCherie,
my goal right now is becoming more balanced, more aware, being able to not give in to emotions and ego. I have started to keep a log of my triggers, including how I felt when I was triggered. the severity (from minor to red zone), where they come from. Actually it is one trigger, that appears in multiple flavors.
It works wonders for me, I feel more at ease, more stable, I have been keeping distance and I have more and more space. And I am gonna continue with this approach. It will help me to be more self, a profound self that has befriended ego, whereas the ego wanted to be the enemy.
If this will strengthen the connection between me and my wife, great. If not, that is ok too. I do know that right now, she is very impressed by my dedication and the hard exhausting work I am doing. She is getting more space. She deserves happiness, she is a beautiful being, she is made out of love.
@dukeofdearham 💜 you got this duke!
Can’t my partner calm by themselves? Feels like I’m steeping on eggshells here 😓
@imaginativePal5275
how are you now?
@ouiCherie Hi I have tried some of these. I have been trying to step away and self sooth with deep breathing. I have found this helpful because by the time I am done doing that he has often calmed down on his own. I am also trying to not tell him to calm down or try to make him feel better. I find this helpful too because when I did those things he would get angrier. But not telling him to calm down he calms down faster. Thanks for theses helpful tips.
@adventurousBranch3786
I'm glad to hear it worked. Hope you will always find a way out and peace in the ups and downs in relationship 💜