Admitting cheating without losing your spouse

@Regretfullyadult

Fortunately, we are not here to judge. We have enough of our own s**t going on. You are to be commended for owning up to this and understanding why it happened. Completely transparent honesty is going to be your best ally, along with a plan to ensure that you never stray again. I wish you the best of outcomes.

@Regretfullyadult You have earned my respect for your honesty and accountability. She deserves to know the truth and keeping that in mind would help you talk to her. But before that, make a promise to yourself to never stray again, and to be true to your vows. Best of luck :)

@Regretfullyadult

your right, should not have done it. can't change that now.

- don't tell her, unless you plan to seperate or leave.

- don't do it again... duh....

Get/Stay focused on other goals in life, and let your spouse join you in those. This is important, to avoid future of the same and or her following your example...

I would have different advice if it was her asking and had cheated. Men and women think/feel/process this stuff differently.

This is tough and I wish you the best if you decide to be honest with her. Being honest is the way to go. However, just know that it is going to hurt her deeply. Is it something you really did just once and won't do it again if at some point you're feeling depressed once again? This is to be taken into consideration. If you are truly not going to do it ever again then consider not telling her. Not to help you but to avoid causing her pain. I sugges you get with a counselor and examine further why you cheated on her.

@Regretfullyadult

There are two ways that this could go. If you tell her, you should know that you are basically taking the guilt you are feeling from having to keep it a secret, and converting it into her pain and trauma, the kind that makes you feel like you’re constantly walking on needles. She’s gonna imagine how you did it and it’s gonna replay in her head, uncontrollably, over and over again. She will carry this with her for the rest of her life, and it’s going to affect every aspect of it. This will change her, and it will especially change how she sees you and your relationship. But, if you choose not to tell her, you are essentially trying to hide her own scars and humiliation, which will delay her chance to heal sooner.

So if you do choose to tell her, here is what I would do (and what I wish my ex did when he told me of his affair). Note that just because this would work for me, doesn’t mean it would work for your partner. You know her better so maybe think about how she, as a person, would prefer being told bad news.

So, first, find a private space and make sure she is absolutely comfortable. Before your confession, make sure she is aware that you're about to discuss something very serious, so she can prepare herself. Tell her how much you appreciate her for everything she’s done for you. Humble yourself. Express how much you love her in words. Ask her to please love you as hard as she can for the next few minutes, and then tell her what you wrote above, that you were depressed and one day, sought mindless body connection. Then, tell her how much you regret it. Make sure that you are genuinely remorseful. Tell her it was a moment of selfishness and it meant nothing. She means everything to you, and you were careless, impulsive and stupid. Apologise profusely. Express how you’re afraid of losing her.

And then let her express herself. Let her scream, throw, be angry, but try to be as loving, patient and understanding as possible throughout this part because it's gonna be HARD. It’s also important that you figure out why you’re depressed, because unless you find the root cause, you could go down that road again, and it’s hard to help someone heal when you are still healing yourself.

If she takes you back, know that your previous relationship is dead and it’s now on you to take the lead in rebuilding a new one. Make sure you give her a lot of space, but still try to remind her how much she means to you and that you're just here, every now and then. Answer every question she has. If she wants to be left alone, leave her alone. Follow whatever she says because people heal differently after betrayal and it’s just her process of healing. And most importantly, do whatever you can to prove she can trust you again, no matter how long it takes.

@Regretfullyadult- I agree with those who state- don't tell her. If you are hoping to get over your guilt- it won't work. The end result with be an extremely hurt and traumatized partner. Your relationship will always have your admission hanging over it. What do you hope to gain by 'confessing" this transgression. Her pain is not worth it- believe me. Been there. Now you need to work on your own depression and anxiety- counseling etc. Communication in your relationship on other issues is also the key. Good luck.

You cannot change what happened, but you can change the way you handle things from now on. I think keeping this kind of secret is bad for both of you. You will always carry this 'black cloud' over your head and not be able to be yourself around her. And maybe even sabotage your own relationship if you are feeling guilty. Guilt is a poison too. And for your wife I think it would be better to know as soon as possible. Everyone deserves the right to decide if you want to stay or leave in a relationship. I know i would have preferred to know about my ex affair sooner. He just stayed with me for 2 more years, in which i knew there was something wrong because he changed because of the guilt. 2 more years of suffering because either way the relationship was not the same. When he finally came clean the shock for me was bigger because it felt like the past 2 years where a complete lie. I think i would have been able to forgive him if he was honest from the start. Best of luck and courage to you!

I wouldn't tell her.

I read somewhere that people admit to cheating to relieve themselves of the guilt burden. So in a sense, you'd feel better but you'd ruin her. Bear the weight, take the guilt, and keep your lips closed.

If you don't tell her she could still find out and be even more hurt. That's what happened to me, I was even more angry at the fact he didn't have the guts to be honest with me and now I'm angry that he's a liar and a cheater your call. Truth hurts but in my opinion better to be honest and get the weight off your chest

THis thread popped up again on my notices. Hoping you have worked through the situation- either way. ANd a reminder that we are here to support you.