Admitting cheating without losing your spouse
I stepped out on my 16-year relationship and I am terrified to admit it. It came at a very low point in depression and anxiety, when I was looking for mindless body connection with someone as long as they were a stranger. I regretted it immediately.
now I have to tell my wife and I am 90% sure she will leave. Has anyone ever experienced this and might have tips. And please. Save the "you fucked up/you deserve it" stuff. I know I did and do, I just want to fix it.
Hi @Regretfullyadult,
I'm struggling with the same question myself.
I'm not sure what's "right". I'm a bookish person, so I found reading/listening to Esther Perel helpful. She's a couple's therapist who wrote a book on infidelity. She's got a podcast too if you're not into reading.
Even if you don't find her helpful, you can hear real life examples of WHY other people have "stepped out", as you put it, and also hear couples talk to each other about it. Some come out stronger, some realize it's a symptom of other things that need work in the relationship. Some realize it's not about the relationship at all, as weird as that sounds.
This doesn't necessarily spell the end for you and your wife. Maybe explore what it meant for you? One note, If you do tell her, you will be needing different things. Ex. she may need reassurance rebuilding trust. and you may not want to talk about it and put it behind you. Stuff like that.
All the best.
@impartialLychee7110
This is good advice....... when this happens there often is a lot more to it ..........and can be a reason to fix items that were not going right in the relationship. The core can be something both sides did not see happening causing issues. we may think it is us but most who step out are unhappy deep down in relationship.
i was cheated on many years ago .... we discussed and solved some deep issues we had ........things went well and we saved our situation ....but NOW due to some other things....... we are falling into a pattern but i am in the other shoes NOW and thought about it..... funny partner saw my pushing them away years ago and the hurt it caused them.......... but do NOT recognize they are now doing the same to me now.........
Keeping it a secret is one way to go but telling her can open a conversation you have not had before and perhaps need to. IF you say anything you need to know yourself deep down the things that you decided were worth losing to do this....
Be honest. Hiding it might work. Or blow up in your face if the person you stepped out with decides to do it for you. That's what happened to me. The woman tracked me down with pictures and video. Honesty would have saved me from feeling like he had zero respect for me or our vows. Hearing from him before seeing those images that he had made a mistake and was sorry would have made it easier to belive that me ment it. If he had simply been honest. If you hide it then when the truth comes out it will be even worse. Do you really want to be a lier on top of a cheat? Do you have no respect for your wife at all as a person? I mean if she Cheated on you. If this was reserved how would you want her to treat you? It's that simple.
I think being honest and telling your wife would be the best move. If you don’t and she does found out she might feel more frustrated and angry at you. Being honest and being sorry about what you did if definitely the best move.
Just leave her
I think you should tell her. My bf cheated on me 2 years ago and barely told me last month. He told me it was a one time thing and that he very much regrets it. Yes I am HURT and I am ANGRY and I have been heavily thinking about whether or not I should stay. I think I will stay though because I love him and I really believe he won’t do it again. He was very remorseful when he told me and very understating of how I felt. I asked for everything that happened with the girl in detail in everything leading up to the event and everything after. He wrote me a 5 page letter explaining EVERYTHING including pictures, videos, and texts. He’s 100% okay with waiting for me to be okay and to forgive him but he’s also understanding if I want to leave. I was angry not just because he cheated but because he LIED and HID it from me. I was mad that he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to lose me because that is SELFISH of him. If you don’t tell her, you are SELFISH. Your wife deserves to know, and whatever she decides is up to her. If you don’t, your relationship will never be truthful and something will always be missing. I’m sure she has her suspicions, as I had always thought he had some sort of relationship with her. Please be honest with her, show remorse, be patient, and don’t make promises you won’t be able to keep. Ultimately this was a decision you made and you have to own up to it, even if the outcome is not what you want.