Communication: The Role of Reciprocity in a Relationship

Once more springing from the platform of my own experiences I bring to you some food for thought regarding your words and behaviors within romantic relationships.

As I grew increasingly unhappy in my marriage I began to shut down. I quickly grew sad, angry, and resentful that my husband simply had not held up his end of the bargain. I looked at the fact that he hadn't worked in 18 months with no motivation for change, I observed that he had gained a significant amount of weight while I was adopting a healthier life style in the opposite direction, I noticed that while I was working my tail off at a very difficult job- he was at his Dad's playing video games, drinking, and getting high. Further, I began to catch him in lies about attending his college classes and regarding where he was and what he was doing. As if these things were not enough, the sex was terrible

- I mean -

really awful. And eventually non-existent. Somewhere we had seriously disconnected.

Next came a strong learning experience for me. I sought counsel from numerous friends over the course of 6-10 days. I stayed out of my home as much as was feasible and slept elsewhere. I used this time to find the language that I needed to communicate what I was going through in my head. One of these friends reminded me that it is our responsibility to inform those who hurt us how we feel. People are not mind readers, and even my ex told me to give him a verbal warning because he was shocked when our relationship had ended having received zero communication from me.

So, I held myself accountable. After spending the entire evening telling yet another friend of my scenario, and yet another shrug of the shoulders from a man who also couldn't understand my husband's foolish behavior, I went home. I started with the infamous: "We need to talk." Which most people dread on principle. I took a deep breath, stared at the ceiling, and let all these words fall out of my mouth. I need my equal, or someone who is above my strength and ambition. At the end I told him that most importantly I wanted him to understand that if I don't see meaningful change by the end of our lease, I will file for divorce. I was done nagging. I just wanted him to grasp the gravity of my unhappiness.

It has been seven days since that discussion and still nothing has changed. I don't trust him, and I don't respect him. I feel ignored in my greatest efforts to make things clear. He knows all of this and yet it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. He tries to walk around the apartment pretending everything is fine, attempting to engage me with dinner, tv, or affection, but I jus't can't allow it. I am guarded again and the stress of worrying about how my life, my son's life, will change if my husband doesn't reciprocate my needs is disheartening.

Please share example of successful and unsuccessful communication in your relationship(s).

Are your efforts being reciprocated (or responded to -a gesture or action- by making a similar one.) ?

Have any of you been through a divorce? How did it end? What was it like?

What kind of needs do you have when entering a relationship? Are they being met?

Additional Reading: Relationships and the Importance of Reciprocity, GoodTherapy.org

"For intimate relationships to grow and become healthy, lasting, and committed, reciprocity is vital. This type of reciprocity differs from the reciprocity that occurs in other types of relationships. Couples getting ready to commit to a relationship should engage in deep, intimate discussions with each other about how they define love and how they plan to develop reciprocity with each other and keep it growing.

Knowing that change is a consistent process in life will help people recognize the value of preparing the soil for a relationship from the beginning. The thrill of the adrenaline rush that comes from attraction is never enough. That ends—often quickly. It is easy to delude ourselves into believing that a partner can and will be able to build the kind of loving, committed relationship that most of us want. Talking openly, honestly, and deeply with our partners can help us make a better decision about whether or not we are genuinely capable of building a healthy reciprocal relationship."