Here again

I came to this forum 5 months ago, when my boyfriend and I broke up. I was devastated. We broke up because ultimately, he never had time for me and everything and everyone else came first, and he thought he couldn’t give me what I wanted. I know he couldn’t, but I kept lying to myself that I would be okay with what he had to offer. We ultimately got back together, because we cared about each other, and missed each other, but I still wanted more, but tried to tell myself I only needed a little more, then everything would be okay. I still only saw him every few weeks, small increments of time, asking him to introduce me to friends in his life after 2.5 years of dating. Still begging, and got nothin in return. Fast forward to last week. I was alone out to eat because I was seeing him the next day, decided to treat myself to a hotel because we live 90 miles away and I wanted to be relaxed and well slept instead of exhausted after a very long week. I ended up in the hospital because I went into anaphylactic shock for the first time in my life.

I was alone, no one knew where I was, and I had to go to the hospital terrified and scared alone. I know it’s not his fault it happened but I was- and still am very angry he wasn’t there with me. He has an 11 year old daughter, and I understand that he couldn’t exactly get her out of bed to be at my side, but he had time that week to make me a priority. He did see me the next day, but I got to see him for a few hours and then he needed to go and I just begged him to stay because I was scared, scared to eat and felt utterly alone. Then where I live every town had no power, and I couldn’t even get home, and had to stay in hotels for the next few days. The next few days after the hospital he had a “work”event, which was essentially a huge nightclub party, and then that weekend he went to his friends lake house for a low key Halloween party. We walked everyday, per dual on the phone and text, and he even offered to send money for the hotel so I could be warm and have power, but I just wanted him to be there, not his money him. The morning of the party he called me and I was having a panic attack because I needed to work, in a restaurant for the next 13 hours and couldn’t get home to make my own food, and was standing in the grocery store having a nervous break down crying because I was terrified of eating something but knew I had to get through the day, and he’s telling me to “focus on the positive outcome of the day I wanted to have” and then got off the phone to go drink all day and night with his friends. It hurt and I’m mad, because all I wanted was for him to be around. I knew I was feeling off and told him how upset I was, i scheduled 2 emergency appointments with my therapist to help cope, but continued to tell him I wanted him to be with me because I was scared. But he still close not to be and to continue on.

Probably not a surprise, but he never choose to be there for me, and then was cold and short with me the following day even though I had just made sure to leave him alone because I was emotionally exhausted. And he still, didn’t care, kept saying I wish I could do something, but all I wanted was his company, and not even this made him choose to spend time with me. I told him when he got home “ you always have time for everything and everyone but me because you’re too tired or something is always more important and it’s sucks” and I stand by that. And yea now again we are broken up, and yea I want to be with someone who loves me and chooses me and doesn’t have to be nagged and begged and guilted into it. I want someone in my life to show up and want to be there. But this hurts so bad, that after everything and all of it, I still wasn’t enough. And now I’m just so sad and feel even more alone than I did before. I don’t want to miss him or think of him or anything, but I do, but it just makes me sad I still love someone who was never ever going to

choose me.

I wish I could press fast forward to when I feel better, and I have no idea when that will be and that is making everything even harder to feel okay.