How much fighting is too much fighting?

@purpleGlobe5130

If the same general issue is the root cause then the fights are never finished but put on hold .....

when people no longer even attempt to really listen to their partner then the end is near....IMO

you will seek someone else who does listen and if you find that no exercise in "trying harder "will be enough........... i am facing that myself ...... works for a while then it comes right back to a question taht clearly says ....

" i know you sort of told me this before but i did the obligatory head nods and never gave a darn NOW i need to know........" that is the final straw IMO

I think that you and your bf need couple counseling, they need to see the root for everything, and yes, sometimes fighting a lot in a relationship is ok, you and your boyfriend really need to see if they are really interested in being better for each other, other thing is that arguing is not toxic if really helps both of you to understand the wrong doing and be better for each other, and yes, is healthy to work each other's problems with arguments, the main point is that you both really need to work hard, they might repeat the problems, but at the end of the day, we are humans and changing is a process thay takes time and effort, you and your boyfriend can do it!!

I don’t think that fighting that much is normal. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to break up, but you need to seriously consider ways to mitigate the fighting. You need to consider each others feelings, and if your partner won’t be the first to do that, step up and be the bigger person and make your partner feel heard. If you cannot do this, then the problem will persist. Consider taking a break from seeing each other for a week or two if you need space. Next time you find yourself getting heated in an argument, find a way to remove yourself from the situation: for example, tell your partner that you need a minute to calm down and come back to the discussion when you feel calm. From there, you’ll need to put in effort to heal your communication and trust (try therapy). I’m not a professional but I’ve done my own research on this topic so take my advice with a grain of salt!!!

@purpleGlobe5130

“Fighting” suggests animosity, negative feelings, conflict, defensiveness, a mindset/perception of opposition (instead of co-operation).

So if couples are fighting all the time, it usually indicates a number of [possible] things:

1) The partners may have compatibility issues. If you are constantly arguing and everything seems to be an issue, it might be because in terms of your values, principles, personalities, likes and dislikes, goals, attitudes, there may just be too many differences that make getting along with each other more difficult than pleasurable. When people are just too different from each other, then navigating a relationship daily will feel like an insufferable chore, compromising will feel like a constant struggle rather than something that is done with joy and love.

2) The partners individually might have poor conflict resolution skills, or might have learned unhealthy interpersonal communication or toxic behaviors from childhood trauma, or damaging past relationships. This leads them to having poor control over emotions, they always seem to be agitated in general, not just in their relationships specifically and not only with their partners. Certain things might trigger them, and rather than having healthy discussions about their feelings and de-escalating the issues in rational ways, they might respond instead with aggression, outbursts, frustration, or they might just shut down and repress their feelings.

3) Maybe there’s a degree of disrespect between the partners. When you fight, you mentioned you do try to resolve it but then the end result is both of you still don’t feel heard by each other. So it’s possible that you are both just going through the motions of resolving the argument but deep down you don’t actually respect each other enough to want to change your behaviors and attitudes. You both might agree with the other person out of a sense of obligation or to “get it over with” but in your hearts you feel dissatisfied with the outcome, and you might resent that the other person doesn’t really seem to have genuinely taken your feelings and point of view on board. Additionally each time it happens this way you both might start to lose faith in each other because it never seems like anything changes with each argument and it feels like you’re both going in circles. So there might be a growing feeling of futility to explaining your feelings when nothing is changing.

I think you need to reflect on those things for yourself. You are half the relationship. Take some time to reflect inwardly and first of all take responsibility for yourself. What might you have done differently in the past? How could you have communicated things better to improve the situation previously? What initiatives could you have taken sometimes to de-escalate the situation from becoming a fight? What behaviors of yours do you think might be problematic for your relationship? Just be brutally honest with yourself. If you genuinely want your relationship to improve then it starts with considering for yourself all the things that you could do better! This is not the same as saying “You are the problem!”. But rather it is a structured way of approaching the situation that ensures everything is being done to reach a solution without fault finding and placing blame. Because ideally he will also be doing this, for himself too.

And then when you’re ready it might be an idea to share what you think with each other. At the very least you will both hopefully find out something about yourselves, and about each other.

CatsInTheCradle