How to break out of desperation?
The more time that passes in this state of loneliness, the more desperate I feel. The more desperate I get, the less likely I am to actually find a healthy relationship (because no decent person wants to be with someone so desperate, right?)
I feel like Im doing all of the right things: I moved and started pursuing different interests, Im building new friendships, Im going to therapy. But none of this satisfies the deep desire that I have for love and affection. I feel more and more pessimistic about ever finding someone special.
I dont know how to break out of this desperation. I feel panicky at the thought of having to spend the rest of my life like this. Friends are nice, but I dont know how to convince myself that Im ok without a really deep, loving relationship. Im desperate to stop feeling desperate. Its like Im supposed to trick myself into thinking that I dont need anybody else before Im allowed to have anybody else. I dont get it. I honestly dont get how anyone finds a healthy relationship. Probably most relationships arent healthy. Probably Im better off alone. I wish I could erase all desire from my heart.
@Happyturtles
Start looking for friends who want to have a deeper friendship. Not necessarily romantically, but for emotional support, to challenge or motivate you, to look out for you. These are all necessary qualities of a good long-term romantic relationship, so take all the practice you can get at figuring out how to communicate your needs and respond to others' needs, as well as set necessary boundaries when a friends' needs are incompatible with yours.
A romantic relationship may grow out of one of these friendships, but even if it doesn't you'll build your emotional support network so that any future romantic relationships don't have to be your only source of support. I feel like I did this backwards--it was only after I realized that I relied too heavily on my (now failed) marriage that I developed those friendships, since I finally realized how important they are. I don't think having those friendships earlier would have saved my marriage, but it might have made the process of leaving a lot less painful.
@peacefulforest75 hey its great to hear about the progress youre making since the split super happy for you! I am kind of in a middle with my ex wife of 5 years. We dated had dinners as a family and more but we still have not gotten back together and as of last week she went cold and havent talked much we had dinner but still distant. Im at a cross roads with mine not sure next steps and knowing how your ex was I was him before, and even though Im not now and we have a great time I still get the she doesnt want anything or is still shocked when I do certain things nice and communicate. Peaceful youve been in her shoes and I love her dearly know that I caused damage even though shes hurt I want her to heal and be better just like I had the opportunity too. I really want to know what shes feeling and I kinda get her to vent and I kind dont so, Forrest I ask you just getting out of a relationship with a man who didnt really open up or show attention etc. how did you feel and what do you think she feels as well as things I could do to comfort her and reassure her that these changes are real and ease her doubt and just take away some of that inner turmoil and doubt that this can work again?
@ivoryCamp2081
Hey, glad to hear she's at least joining you for family dinners. That's progress!
Based on my feelings/thoughts...My guess is she's not sure about trusting you and wonders if you've really changed. She hoped you would change for so long and (maybe) has finally gotten to accepting that you never would. She's afraid to let her guard down around you. I don't know if there was any history of emotional abuse (there was in mine), but that is something else I am very wary of and that prevents me from wanting any kind of relationship--even friendship--with him. I'm not even sure there is anything he could say/do to convince me at this point, but certainly I would need a commitment to counseling and seriously working on communication and conflict resolution skills. Also a sincerce apology, not something like "I'm sorry that you felt hurt."
Something interesting in mine...there was an insurance mix-up and me and the kids all got dropped from his insurance. He has been communicating very well and not accusing/attacking throughout. Which is progress, as before that would definitely have happened. At this point, all I want is minimal conflict throughout the divorce process and coparenting our son.
@peacefulforest75 youre feelings and interpretation of this is so spot on that Im actually astonished. Thats amazing. Theres was definitely emotional abuse(I was cold and distant and held all of my feelings inside and never gave her the warmth and love she deserved). It does feel exactly like she doesnt believe that how I have been for the last four months is real she says its too good to be true. Weve gone on dates and dinners but still she doesnt believe that how I am now is real and. Even though I know it is I want to give her that reassurance. At this moment I know you just want to keep things peaceful for comparenting and Im kind of in that middle where I dont want to get there. She has gone colder this week, Forest I have come this far lol Ive been patient and will continue to work on me and be patient with her, but what are some ways that helped you and ways that you think that I can do to soothe her and put some of those doubts at ease. I want to say I have in a way since were able to go on dates etc. but I want her to feel that level of comfort and availability everyday and Im not working and trying for because shes worth it in every way. What are some ways that would ease your mind since were opposite ends of the same relationship. We also have a kid and been doing family trips. But I want reassure her this way is here to stay. I want to take away all of that doubt and again thank You Forrest.
@ivoryCamp2081
I think I mentioned earlier that I was sort of seeing someone I had dated 10 years ago and had remained friends with. He's been extremely patient in helping me process this (not just telling me what I want to hear) and giving me space yet also telling me that he hopes there might be more between us when I'm ready--and that he'd want to be friends if that's all I wanted.
Something I've noticed is that him being vulnerable about how he's feeling, his challenges, etc. makes me feel more secure and comfortable being vulnerable with him. For example, we had a miscommunication once about meeting up. I lost track of time and didn't contact him until much later than I had earlier said. He felt rejected since he didn't hear from me when he thought I was available. He made other plans (which made me feel rejected) and we didn't get together after all. This could have turned into an argument (and would have with my ex), but instead we were both able to share our own insecurities and grew closer as a result.
So that tells me that you sharing your feelings, your insecurities, etc. would probably help reassure her. Owning up that your previous behavior was abusive helps too. My ex denies it and simply claims I am overreacting. "The problem is that you're upset about this" is actually something he said to me once.
@peacefulforest75 wow that is actually insane, from what I have learned is it wasn
@ivoryCamp2081
Aw, thanks.
I wouldn't say it's never her fault, just like I wouldn't say my split was all his fault. I also overreacted at times took things too personally. This whole process taught me a huge amount about myself, communication in a relationship, and conflict resolution skills. I honestly can say I'm a better person for it, and for that I am grateful. (Ariana Grande's song "thank you" plays in my head here). We had some good moments to be sure, but I definitely could have/should have set better boundaries in the beginning about how I was treated and how it made me feel. I also should have defined what I wanted and he wanted out of a relationship much earlier, and had that conversation over the years as our needs changed. I feel sad for my ex bc I don't think he's gotten to that place yet. He seems angry and resentful still. He doesn't understand what happened and why I can't just love him the way he is and be happy.
@peacefulforest75 thank you so much you
@ivoryCamp2081
I just don't know...
Part of me STILL wants him to say he wants to try again to make things work, even though I would also dread him saying that bc I don't know if it's even possible for him. For myself, I'm wrestling with whether I loved the "real" him or just who I thought he was. If it's the latter, neither of us will be happy.
Are you both talking through this? Figuring out what things you must have in a relationship, and whether or not you can provide them to each other? That was kind of the dealbreaker for me--that we couldn't talk openly about this. Giving each other some space from the day-to-day things that set you off could be a good thing, especially if you both take the time to figure out what you need and what you can give.
@peacefulforest75
@peacefulforest75 Well we haven
