How to trust my partner again
Hi all, I’ll try to keep it short.
About 6 months ago I caught my partner watching other women online. I caught him looking up his ex while I visited him (we’re long distance) and when I came back to my home town, I caught messages between him and his brother saying he “caught a vibe” with a coworker and found her attractive. It’s been soul crushing ever since and I love my boyfriend so much and I know, so many people would say “let go” it’s not that easy and trust me I wish it was. See, I found him right after my brother passed and I was in deep depression. He was the one to bring back light in my life. He’s the only one I have and all the good memories keep me with him. Yea he sounds like a terrible person but besides this he does treat me so good. He claims to change and stop all of that now, and he’s been clean ever since I’ve found out so based off what he tells me, he is trying to stop. But we get into so many arguments because of my overthinking and anger from the hurt.
Its my decision to stay so please respect that, if I need to move on, I’ll do it on my own pace and on my own decision.
So what I’m asking is if someone can explain ways to be able to trust him again, ways to help cope moving on from his mistakes to stay in the relationship, stop overthinking, communication, etc. Even any advice you might have (as long as it’s respectful to me and my decision).
@powerfulPlum3916
What a great username. Powerful Plum.
Here's a few things that helped me (in no particular order).
For processing anger:
Love letters technique from the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" John Gray. "I'm angry because... I'm disappointed because... I'm sad because... I'm afraid of...I need...."
Patrick Tehan's 123 process for being triggered.
Mindfulness.
For spiralling thoughts:
The pink elephant paradox.
the AWARE approach for anxiety.
And for day to day:
Spoon theory.
Self validation. "This feeling is valid and I'm going to experience it." Eliot.
For communication:
7 cups listening skills courses
Using "I" phrases instead of "you" phrases.
They may, or may not be useful for you.
I've also been in the position of being told my partner is not good for me. Its not helpful. You are right, it is up to you to decide.
What I did, was decide to take a step back and work on me while staying in the relationship. My idea was that me learning how to communicate better and self validate would either help the relationship if it worked out or would help me in future relationships if it didn't. So I could only gain. And hope that my partner might gain too. Its been difficult at times, but there's some promising things coming about....
Best wishes for whatever your future brings.
@powerfulPlum3916 Beloved he came to you during a time of vulnerability. When we are vulnerable to alot of things. What he is doing isn't loving or healthy? Ask yourself, " Do you deserve this?' Whatever your answer is, love yourself enough to one day find the courage to walk away. You must have love of self before anything else.
@powerfulPlum3916
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging situation in your relationship. Rebuilding trust after infidelity or breaches of trust can be a difficult and complex process. It's important to remember that every individual and relationship is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another. However, you can try to foster open and honest communication with your partner. Share your feelings, concerns, and expectations with each other. Create a safe space where both of you can express yourselves without judgment or defensiveness. Effective communication can help build understanding and strengthen the connection between you. Consider engaging the support of a couples therapist or counselor who specializes in relationships and infidelity. They can provide guidance, facilitate healthy communication, and offer specific tools and strategies to help you rebuild trust. Set clear boundaries and expectations: Discuss and establish clear boundaries and expectations regarding fidelity, transparency, and privacy within the relationship. Make sure both of you are on the same page regarding what is acceptable and what is not. This can help rebuild a sense of security and trust. Rebuilding trust takes time and patience. It's a gradual process that requires consistent effort from both partners. Be prepared for ups and downs along the way and understand that healing won't happen overnight. Allow yourself the time and space to heal, and be patient with your partner as they work towards earning your trust back. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Engage in self-care activities that promote your well-being and help you cope with the emotional challenges you're facing. Prioritize your own healing and make sure to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you navigate through this difficult time. Keep an eye on your partner's actions and their consistency in rebuilding trust. Look for signs of effort, transparency, and change. If you notice a lack of progress or if your trust is continuously being violated, it may be necessary to reassess the relationship and consider whether it's truly healthy and fulfilling for you. Ultimately, rebuilding trust is a personal decision, and it's important to do what feels right for you. While some relationships can heal and rebuild trust, others may not be able to recover from such breaches. Trust your instincts, take your time, and prioritize your own well-being as you navigate this process.
