People pleaser by nature, gentle constructive advice welcome
I work away on cruise ships, work colleagues become your source of friendship.
Made friends with someone, not my type of person. Can be sweet person, but equally it can lead to people telling me what to do etc. Not necessarily negative, but it's not what I ultimately want.
Made a friend with someone who has a very grounding influence of me, and is a loyal friend.
However very uninspired, dislike her conversations as she talks about others not necessarily in a mean way, it's just not my most thrilling idea of conversation, infact talking about people I generally find very dull. And we have very different interests and outlook on life, she is into make up and clothes, fashion.
I know for her she enjoys it, yet for me maybes it's superficial or maybe find it very dull.
Anyway, I can be a social person, yet when she is around she talks about everyone and I feel restricted. She got angry at me yesterday, and in turn I got angry at the one of the other staff members.
And as a second point of advice, I feel very ashamed about that. Attempted to apologise to her, but it insincere.
So if anyone has any advice on how to deal with the shame I felt,
And secondly any thoughts on how to move away from this friendship. She is soon moving in to my accommodation. And in honesty, she's not someone I really enjoy myself around. If you know what I mean.
Anyway, hope to hear back. It's really troubling me. Hannah
@comfortingName3849
Regarding "shame", I find it helps me if I apologize asap after any mistakes I make.
Here's a generic resource on shame and guilt
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/201812/how-stop-feeling-shame
Regarding being a "people pleaser", maybe you're getting stuck in "drama triangle" situations and "drama triangle" roles.
The Dreaded Drama Triangle concept was created by a psychiatrist named Dr. Stephen B. Karpman.
This video explains the roles people often take on and how to take on different roles instead:
Drama
Triangle
https://nicertube.com/q80ns0
So MAYBE for your situation, IF YOU THINK IT IS APPROPRIATE, you could use the drama triangle concept and solutions to prevent getting sucked into the drama the other person is creating. It could be a good learning opportunity. You could use being stuck with them as practice if there's no way out otherwise. MAYBE practice using the alternative roles rather than get sucked into the drama triangle roles.
@comfortingName3849
Hello, I am sorry to hear about what has happened and how it is making you uncomfortable to be around this associate.
I resonate well with you on your feelings. In my experience with a similar person, what worked was me being upfront with her by saying I will not engage in listening to you talk about people but if you want to have a conversation that does not involve talking about people we can. That stopped her from dumping her garbage on me. My suggestions would be to begin to set some boundaries with this person and as you practice enforcing these boundaries it will become easier and easier to do. We will never be able to please people all the time but you can lose your self in trying to please people
There is a course in the self-help section or in the Listener training section that talks about setting boundaries that may be helpful.
Thanks for reaching out for support with your question. I hope I have been gentle enough that it helps and not hurts you