Withdraw Pursuit circle

My boyfriend (withdrawer) and I (pursuer) are in this vicious cycle. We both want the same things but can’t find the right way to communicate. When I calmly try to explain my feelings, regardless of what it is he tells me I am picking a fight, thinks I am mad and then withdraws. I pursue as he’s not picking up what I am putting down and the cycle continues. How do I break this pattern as when I have let him be, he gets angry at me for not reaching out and when I withdraw he withdraws even more. It’s almost as if this rat race validates something for him. How do I become a better communicator? I’ve tried the I feel statements, I don’t name call and talk as calm as I can. He puts blame and name calls and I ask him not to and he turns it into me trying to be more superior and intelligent than him. I need a strategy to not make him feel like I am treating him like a patient or an employee as he would say.