Anxiety, fear of losing him
Hello ! So uh, first of all I'm a girl who's in a relationship with a guy and we've been chatting since March, and since then, it's pure love, he told me he has that feeling with no one else. We flirted for a long time and only this month I accepted to get into a relationship with him, and he was happy. Only since Friday (first day of holidays though..), we argued every night because of my fault because I'm negative, I didn't understand why he loves me, why me, I'm horrible, he might end loving me less etc.. in short.
I doubted his sincerity and his seriousness, his feelings, and he repeated to me that well no, he loves me and nothing will change, and a few days before he even said he wanted me and needed me because he loves me, he found me positive in general and, he wants to be in a relationship with me. Except that my problems are starting to annoy him...
So last night in the middle of the night, he told me he wanted to take some distance because he considers that with all of these it's useless to chat, he wants to enjoy his holidays, play videogames (whereas before he said he wanted to enjoy with me too ..) and I told him it doesn't make me happy because, in my opinion, it was necessary to make some attentions to catch back the flame and so on... Except that he says that it's tense, he doesn't want to try to stay or rekindle the flame due to the circumstances etc..
I sent him a message of my sadness about it, because that's really sad it happens and, that suddenly gave the impression that he loves me less... But I'm afraid that it is the case and that he doesn't come back, that he doesn't want me anymore in the end and that I screwed up too much.. imagine taking that distance just to calm things down and be alone, turns into : "I don't want you anymore, I realize I can't ?" ;-; Im so scared.. and I don't know what to think.. I'm scared he realizes that I don't make him happy in the end ;-;'
He tried to comfort me before by telling me he dont see anyone else, he loves me, we have a good feeling together, we have our own story etc...but yeah, what if my behavior was too much, and it's too late ? I'm scared to wait and then see his message telling me it's over... .-.
(note : I tried to copy past my situation so well, if some check there, I just copy past because that's faster to explain ^^')
Hi I understand exactly how you are feeling because this is exactly what I was going through you feel like you have to fix things even if there isn’t a problem or if something suddenly feels wrong in the relationship you start to blame yourself
I just want to let you know that it’s okay you did nothing wrong don’t worry about the future live in the moment because when it’s over you’ll hate that you were so caught up overthinking about everything take some time reflect on why you feel these emotions when certain things happen find positive ways to deal with them
This is so complicated to stop being an overthinker in a relationship, especially that I have a low-esteem of myself... I try my best, but I feel like it catches me all the time and because of my previous breakups, I'm scared that things happen the same way with him ;-;
You need to see a counselor, they have good advises in this type of situation, i understand you, i was overthinking my relationship too much, to the point in which i lose her, because i didn't pay attention to her, yeah is really difficult to overthink the relationship, but, in the end of the day, you have to truly trust in him, he said that he loves you, you need to see it as something objective, an reality, because it is, when you overthink your relationship, try to remember that your boyfriend really loves you and he will never do a bad thing to you, yeah, you have to work hard in you slelf esteem, because hey, you have someone that really likes you for who you are, you migth see yourself ugly or something like that, but at the end of the day, there is someone that sees you as the most beautiful person in the world and wants to be with you because the fact that he is happy when he is with you is a sign that he loves you, but you need to work in your self-esteem, because to really love someone, you need to love yourself, i hope this helped you someway, good luck!
Aww, you're so kind ! I can't afford a counselor that's the point tbh... And the thing is, my boyfriend is right now distant because he wants to play videogames, enjoy his holidays on his side and I'm just left out...and when he explains to me his situation, that's not clear and I feel like there's something wrong... That's very hard to focus properly well on the good things in the relationship, when there are up and down that I can't control because he decided to take a break .-. I'm just like : "Am I worth it to his eyes ? Will he come back even ? Isn't he happy without me ? What if he realizes stuff?" Etc... That's complicated when he starts from "I love you, I need you in my life" to "I need a break because we argued too much and I'm bad at balancing my videogames and my relationship because I'm not used of it" so he just stops talking to me.. :/
Is understand you completely, you feel left out, like there is something more important to your partner than you, my ex was like that, she was very busy with college and sometimes she didn't talked to me in a whole day, i was getting very anxious about it, and well, to be honest, negativity is not a bad thing if is controlled like almost everything in the world but well, going to the main point, if his focus on you changes suddenly, and doesn't talk to you is a bad attitude, you have a partner, you have to give them attention and love, but if he just want to play videogames alone then is ok, the thing is that, he doesn't talks r
to you suddenly, well you are worth of his eyes, how?, well, he is with you, he told you he loves you wholeheartedly, and he sees you as someone important, how?, he told you that, the fact that he told you about his focus in videogames is an action that you do to someone who is very important to you, you dont have to question if he will come back because relationships take a lot of trust, you need to trust him and have the confidence that he will talk to you when he is done playing videogames, i hope that he showed you how important you are in his life, i really hope, well, the most healthy thing to do is to have different resources to be happy, the idea that you can be happy only when you are with your partner is very toxic, because creates an emotional dependency and that is very bad, trust me, i hope that your partner showed you that being with you makes him happy, but hey, here is a coute, love have to be used to be there for the one you love, love, enhances happiness and can be used as a resource to be happy, but that resource has to be used in very specific situations (be there for the one you love when they are going for a bad moments in their life), because the word love is one of the most powerful words, you know your partner and i hope you lived moments were he showed you that he is genuinely happy with you, the fact that he is playing videogames is no bad, because that can make him happy, yes, he might me bad balancing things in his life, yeah, that type of behavior is very bad, but you need to see that he is really working that problem and that he is improving, because the act of be better takes time, but you really, really need to see him working to be better, yeah, that problem migth take a long tome to fix, but at the end of the day, you have to see if you can endure his failures and see how long you are willing to endure, because he is doing damage to you, yeah, he might manage it in a bad way, the thing is that he is really working to be better,
I really sorry for my bad English, really, but well, for you, i can advice you that you can try to talk about the games he plays, that might help, other thing is to find your own resources to be more happy, doing your things you like and that, i really hope that your boyfriend finds a balance that can be healthy to you, good luck
Yeah, but Im scared that he loses interest in the end and forgets about me..
@CheesAnxiety
OK. Let’s look at it from his perspective.
For many months, since march, he likes you. You are both flirting back and forth, it seems like you like him too so he feels positive and encouraged. At this time, you’re not dating each other, but he sees this girl that enjoys his company, who laughs and smiles a lot when she’s around him. He thinks ‘This girl is fun and laughs at my jokes! She makes me feel good about myself! Things are so easy and natural when I’m with her!’ He knows other girls don’t get him this excited, he doesn’t feel this way for anyone but you!
Then one day you agree to be his partner. He’s over the moon with joy! Everything he hoped for the past few months is suddenly within reach. He tells himself he will be a great partner, that he will care for you and that he will love only you.
But suddenly since you both became official - you are filled with doubt. Suddenly there’s so much pressure on you that wasn’t there before. Now there’s so much fear that you are not good enough to deserve him, that he could find someone better, that he should be with someone else instead, that this won’t last, that he made a mistake!
He at first is not aware that you feel this way. At first you communicate these fears and doubts to him. He doesn’t think too much of it. OK he thinks… my GF seems to be nervous about the relationship. I understand that, and love and care about her so I’ll reassure her! She shouldn’t worry about anything. I only want her! I am happy about this relationship and excited to be with her. It’s OK if she’s a little nervous about things changing. I’m sure in time when she is more comfortable with the idea of our relationship she will feel more secure and this nervousness will probably pass.
But instead it seemed to get worse. Suddenly every conversation seemed to be you insisting that this whole relationship was a mistake, that you didn’t deserve him, that you’re not good enough, that he should be with someone else! He would try to reason with you and reassure you and show his love and care for you. He knew in his heart that he wanted you only, that all your fears and doubts were unfounded because he was committed to you and wanted a relationship with you! But now every day seemed to be a constant battle, always the same issue, always the same argument. Why was his GF constantly questioning his commitment now this early in the relationship? Why was she constantly being so negative suddenly? What happened to the fun positive girl that was showing so much interest in him those 8 months before? That girl who flirted and laughed a lot and made everything fun and easy? This person instead seems to not want this relationship at all. This person just seems to want to contradict everything I say even if what I’m saying is that I care for her and want to be with her! How did my affection for her turn into the subject of an argument?! Why do I have to fight about this every single day?! Why does it feel like I have to fight with her to convince her of my feelings? 😕
You were filled with fears because the idea of having someone to lose probably terrifies you. Someone that actually matters, someone that will fight for you, someone that could love you - maybe that idea fills you with dread as much as it fills you with longing. And so as much as you pursued it initially and agreed to it at the start, you’ve also been actively pushing it away, wanting constant reassurance that it’s real, prodding and poking it every moment, fighting about it even because [maybe] part of you rejects the possibility that someone could love you and want to be with you. And so you turned someone who wanted to fight for you into someone who only fights with you.
And this is how it happens sometimes, that we get self fulfilling prophecies. We want love and to be loved, we yearn for it so desperately. But at the same time we are filled with fear and doubt and insecurity. So that when love comes, instead of feeling joy and happiness, we instead feel terror and anxiety. Instead of drawing that person close we feel like pushing them away, like abandoning everything even though we told that person for months that this [relationship/connection] is what we wanted!
It’s OK. We are all complicated like this. But for relationships to work we need closeness and connection. If we keep pushing people away, all that happens is they become distant. First and foremost you need to stop rejecting yourself. Have faith that you deserve love! Accept yourself - Yes, with all your flaws and doubts and insecurities. You’re still a wonderful beautiful person. No one is perfect and that’s OK! Someone still chose you - not by mistake, not by accident. Someone still noticed you and was charmed by you! And maybe you struggle to believe it, but he believes it, he feels it, and he has been trying to show you his feelings. Trust him. Fight for him instead of against him. Surrender yourself to connection and attraction! Choose love instead of fear. 💕
Wishing you all the best with this exciting journey!
CatsInTheCradle
Thanks a lot for your message...
Well, that's so hard, I kept being rejected in my past relationships, they were in love then left me and I'm scared it happens the same... Moreover, I feel inferior since he got a girl bestfriend since like 17 years, and I feel sad that we dont have the same funny alchemy as them, and I feel like I can't "beat" her... I feel like she is better, they have more together, and I don't know why he choses me than someone else... I'm usually negative and very complicated, even this night we had a huge fight about my jealousy and his bestfriend, he is very upset at me rn, and I just feel like Im ruining things more and more, and even if I try to cheer up myself, it's so hard... I just feel like I'm not enough worth it in his life..