Balancing self-worth and being forgiving
Hi everyone, my boyfriend has a friend with who he shares common interests.
They met 5 months ago and started texting and sending voice messages daily throughout the day. Then she started sending gifts by mail. These included coins for his collection and books on relationships and dating, as well as many greeting cards. I brought up the topic initially when I felt he was not replying to me as fast even though I could tell he was on whatsapp. He stated he was a friend and they shared a lot in common. He said she was having relationship issues and wanted his advice. He said he was helping her. Later she sent a gift to his mother. More recently we have an argument. We were both angry and he said "she opens up to me which you don't really do". That was the very first time he even said that, I am an open book and often asked him how come he doesn't ask me questions about my past or what I did when I was younger. I love him and want him in my life but there is a disconnect now, and I loss of trust. From my perspective it looks like an emotional affair/long distance thing. She lives in another states which allows for distance.
His approach was to initially stop talking to her as much. Then switched to *** and they have continued to talk though less often than before. When he texted her about stopping or decreasing I asked what he ended up telling her and he said just trust me, I can't tell you what I told her, but if us talking mKes you uncomfortable im going to stop it.
I like to respect boundaries so I don't ask him to show me anything. I go by his word, which has lost some value.
He is a great man but made a mistake somewhere. I am distrustful by nature and thats my default. I can try to salvage but can't help feeling stupid and naive. We both put effort into the relationship and I am so, so , so hurt it has come down to distrust, hiding, distance. Needless to say in terms of depression I have been spiraling down for several weeks. I feel my affect is totally different and gathered the strength to reach out to people here thanks to a friend.
Please share your thoughts. I really appreciate it.
@brightLemon1722
when people want or need someone to be open with or share in a way they feel they cannot with others in their life .......it is easy to be angry or confused as to ........why not you for example
.... that takes a deep dive....... how many things do you do that are NO interest to him .. do gf/ bf fake an interest for sake of our partners.... most do..... leaving a void of their true interests.
you mentioned you want HIM to ask more questions about your past etc .... what are you sharing to trying to communicate.or fill the void he will have when he stops talking to his friend? .....
i think it is a fallacy that somehow in a gf/ bf or even sometimes spouses can be ALL to the other person and they never should be opening up to another person.........this has been a recipe for a fight every time.
Online friendships IMO provide a outlet to find a person you can do this......
While we may feel we are an open book........ maybe their partner does not see that or FEEL it ......
or he may have trust issues in sharing with you..... we seem to make this a him issue instead of IF there is an opportunity to find a way to provide him the support or vent space this person does.
Your Bf seems to be willing to cut down or stop his communication with her.... yet you feel finding a person who shares interests and he can be open with is a "mistake" if i am reading your post correctly.....
How is being able to share even if it is NOT with you a bad thing ?
Would you rather he bottle up his interests or thoughts?