Communication in a relationship
My boyfriend claims I don't have any communication. BUT! The only thing he wants to know from me is about my ex. I feel he is a retroactive jealousy boyfriend. He claims I am a treasure and such a good person but then when I tell him things about my past relationship (he ask me to) he gets angry and after that he would bring it up and get mad at me about it. Now that I said to him I'm not comfortable talking about my past with him anymore, he claims I don't have communication at all. I have told him how I felt about the things he said to me but he pretty much shush me up and say what he want to say. He said I'm hiding my past and it's somewhat unfair to him because he had nothing to hid about his past (I'm his first relationship even though he had one night stands) and that my actions are unjust to him. I've told him "I don't want to talk to you about it because next time you're going to bring it up and get even more mad at me. Why would I tell you just to add more problems to what we have right now."
Am I wrong in not wanting to talk anymore about my past relationship? It's gone to the point where we have been arguing for 1 year straight.
@resourcefulApricot962
The way I see it, you're right to put the past in the past. Sounds more like his own insecurities, is it? If it is, what's he's insecure about?
@ouiCherie
He's mad that I've given myself to my ex who wasn't worth it. That I deserved more and how I can be so dumb. I was married to my ex and have two kids with my ex. He can't seem to understand where I am coming from when I tell him why I stayed in the marriage for so long. All he say is "If it was me" type of thing. Yes, he can say that because he knows the story, the outcome, from an outside perspective. He wasn't me, he didn't live in my shoes, he didn't know what I went through, yet there is always that "if it was me".
@resourcefulApricot962
He's questioning a past marriage? That stunned me. Doesn't he ever heard stories how tough a marriage can be? how people usually will try to find every ways to survive it and not give up so easily more over when kids involve?
I read your reply below as well... sounds like he loves you but he doesn't realize how the actions and words can ruin someone's self-esteem... What do you think?
@ouiCherie
I believe he does realize how my self esteem and the way I usually am is different after saying things to me. He feels bad about it the next day and says he sorry but when he loses it he still does it.
I feel like he is not doing this with the intention of hurting you...and if it's continuing for 1 year straight i feel like arguing is not the solution. So maybe what u can do is that when you say something about your ex... anything... immediately after that say how your present bf is better than your ex in that thing. For example: "My ex rarely listened to me but you listen so patiently...thank you"
@weirdpotato3913
I will try it. But trust me, I am scared to even mention anything about my ex. He's going to immediately say "Well then why did you do this and that?" It always turn into a fight and argument. I know he isn't intentionally hurting me because he speaks his mind and is a straight forward person with no filters. But what hurts me is all the name calling, shaming me, putting me down only because "he wants to say things to hurt me" and end up regretting it later on. Also I am trying so hard to show him how much i love and appreciate him and he goes and say i don't love him enough, i don't care about him enough, and why i didn't try this hard for my ex. Everything is my ex this, my ex that. It's frustrating.
@resourcefulApricot962,
I could be wrong but seems to me that he is very insecure, might feel threatened. If this has been going on for quite some time, it likely has created a pattern. A pattern that's doing harm. May be you could sit down with your friend, show understanding, express how his reactions make you feel. And suggest counseling.
Well, for me it seems like he is really insecure about everything, because you were married, but everyone makes mistakes and some things we can't go back in time to fix them, how old are you and how old is he? I ask since he says that you are his first relationship, he has to do some self work because the past is in the past, he doesn't need to know a lot about your ex , what for? To compare himself? To feel bad about you having a serious relationship before him? There's no use in that
@Gabilu
I am almost 28 and he is 27. I have mentioned it multiple of times that he keep mentioning my past like he want me to fix but it's not possible. Also, he says that life is about comparing and how can he not compare. I've explained to him that the past is in the past, I don't want to get hung up on it. I want to move on with my life. I want to focus on us. But all I get is getting turned down and told "You can't just move on with your life and not think about what you did in the past. That's a loser's way of thinking. How can I know so much more common sense than you, you're older than me."
@resourcefulApricot962 It´s one thing to lear from the past but it´s another to learn from it, you can perfectly learn from the past without torturing yourself by remembering it and comparing everyday, I think he needs to clarify his ideas, a relationship is to be happy, to have your significant other by your side to grow together, notby comparing ex partners that don´t bring up anything to present relationships, you can only learn from the past and move on, and ask yourself if you are willng to go through this dynamic every single day
@Gabilu
That's what I told him. I'm not the type of person to keep thinking about the past and feel bad for myself. I messed up, I learned and I'm going to move on with my life. I want to work on us and talking about the past isn't going to benefit us at all. I can't handle this but at the same time he'll say "Oh so it's so easy for you to walk away right? Why didn't you do that to your ex who didn't do anything for you. You don't know when someone truly love you. You don't love me that's why it's easy for you to walk out the door. I have changed for you and loved you. I get mad because I love you."
@resourcefulApricot962 well , then you do demonstrate you learn from the past by walking away from him in case he doesnt change for good, you want to talk about your ex..it´s better doing it with a profesional therapist, not your current boyfriend
@resourcefulApricot962,
yup, very insecure and I guess very afraid of losing you.
This is really a nasty pattern. If you want to make this work (which might be a challenge and requires his commitment for 200 percent, apart from being a challenge due to all the damage done), I only see one way.
You give him a choice, either he agrees on counseling AND commits or he's history. No compromises.