Confused on what to do?
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. Hes very hot and cold.
One day he'll say something like "there's no reason I wouldn't marry you" and then a month later when we get into an argument or it gets more serious (eg, our parents meet), he gets cold feet and says stuff like "im not sure if we are compatible".
He also says he's committed but actions say otherwise. He's not willing to get engaged. And I try talking about it but he says he feels pushed even thou I give him so much space and time.
I was very clear in the start and told him that I date to marry and that I'm only interested in a serious relationship and I made it clear that I don't want anyone wasting my time.
Hes very confusing. He has baggage too since he dated his ex for 7 years and treated her like a queen. And because it didn't work out with her, he prioritizes me after his work and family. And doesn't factor me into decisions.
He started his business 2 years ago and it really gets in the way of us meeting but I think if he wanted to, he would.
He says cryptic things like "just know if this ends....it's not because you were never enough", "I'm here now" or "I'll marry you tomorrow if that's what this is about" and it just messes with my head because this person is so confused. I sometimes think he's with me but open to new girls and that's the worst feeling in the world.
I get so much anxiety from all of this and I've paused everything in my life since he came into it because I always prioritized and he didn't. It hurts like he'll knowing that someone can be be nice for a second and then rude and unsure. I don't like the unclarity. And I feel used. I lost my virginity to him too so it hurts and I'm afraid.
Hes also an avoided so he gets mad when I bring serious convos up which is not cool because how else can one resolve issues.
What should I do? I still want it to be him.
If a man is unsure, then it's a NO. Men usually like taking decisions and not having things unanswered. This seems very me mentally tiring honestly and I can feel that. We always want to convince ourselves that if we stay with them, it will eventually work out, so we put more effort into the relationship. And never EVER put someone on a pedestal, and losing your virginity to him can be something special to you, but think about people who lose their virginity when they get married thinking that they've lost it to someone they love, but then they get a divorce because it didn't work out. For that reason, don't let this make you feel that he's prince Charming and the one because you lost his virginity to him, men couldn't give a crap as long as he's having sex with you. I sometimes feel the same thing, and I eventually get too attached to the man and think that he's the one. What I do to feel empowered is to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I'm worthy and deserve the love I give to someone else. Tell yourself that you're the b**#$ and NEVER lower your standards. Treat him the way he treats you, put yourself first, and see that he will try to chase you again if he cares about you. Don't be too available for him, and make it clear that if he doesn't see this relationship going anywhere, then LEAVE. This relationship won't work out if both sides don't want to end up in the same page.
It’s a rough sitch. Some of what you say reminds me of my partner other parts remind me of me. My partner is the date to marry time very traditional and. I think has like that masculine desire to be able to take care of a woman. Me on the other hand marriage always scared me I’m not sure why, not like scared per se but the thought of it made me feel suffocated. I took a lot of pride in I guess not doing that. I feel the longer I go without saying I’m married like there’s a prize waiting for me or something like oh congrats you put yourself first. I have no idea why I feel that way. My partner comes from a broken home whereas my parents are married. It sounds like he maybe is fearful of marriage or the thought or claustrophobia of it but wants you. When he first met he probably agreed with you for fear he’d lose you. I think I did that with my partner or went along with it instead of objecting to the idea of marriage.
It’s worth knowing why his 7 year relationship ended? Did she too want marriage and he wouldn’t give it to her? It sounds like from his comments like if this ends just know it isn’t your fault that he is like scared of commitment but more scared of losing you. He cares about your feelings but his pride keeps pulling him back.
your situation reminds me of a family acquaintance who was in an almost decade long relationship. They lived together and she loved him a lot. Suddenly it ended and within a couple years she was married to someone with a baby. When asked what happened she said he would never call their house our house it was always his house like he has some issues with commitment and didn’t want to be dependent on a wife or whatnot. It reminds me of this
Have you read about anxious and avoidant attachment? I think your relationship is that dynamic. This hot and cold behavior usually because of the guy is not sure about what he wants. Basically he is not sure to take you as his wife. Why? I don’t know. You can ask him. Maybe because he scared of the future. Maybe because he still not ready to be a husband. Maybe he still want to focus on his career. Maybe he doesn’t love you. You never know. Possibly he also don’t know because seems like he doesn’t know if he wants you or not based on how he treated you.
It’s painful, it’s confusing, it’s mentally torturing. I know because I’ve been there. He decided to leave me and it’s been countless times that I’ve begged him
to stay before this and he did stay, but this time I just gave him a simple question- does he still wants me? Just yes or no. He said no. I said may karma gets him because it’s freaking hurt when someone choose to leave after all the things that you’ve done for him, all the sacrifices, all the crazy things you do just to show him how much you love him. I wish someday he feels what I feel. And I blocked him
on everything. Heck, I asked that question through email btw bcz we’ve blocked each other on everything. That was the end for our 3 years relationship, my parents know him (and doesn’t like him much because they said I’m not myself when I’m with him) and he also the first guy that ever saw me naked. So yea, I feel you. I really feel you.
This is what I tell myself after the break up- I can live by myself. I deserve much better. I deserve a guy who doesn’t hesitated at all about me. I want a guy who love me more than I love him. Yes I cried, I cried a lot. I remember him all the time, I allow myself to miss him, I look at his pictures and smile, I wrote letters to him that I never send, my journals full about him and also my dreams. It’s been months since and I still dream of him some nights.
I feel better when I’m alone. I don’t feel confused, anxious, I’m calm and at peace. I tried dating apps and I met someone new. We talk for a week, and he straightly said he wanted to marry me. It was funny because I don’t love him much but I can see how much he wants me. So we agree to try our luck together.
Believe me, you deserve better. Don’t stay with a guy that can’t see your worth. He’s right that it’s not you that problematic in the relationship. It’s him. Before this I always questioned my worth because of that ex of mine. Like what’s lacking in me? Why he can’t love me the way I love him, why he doesn’t treat me like the queen I am when I treated him like he’s everything to me. And now I know that you may be the sweetest peach in the world, but not everyone like peach. It’s not your fault. They just don’t like it.
Tldr- ask him to clarify about the relationship. Would he marry you, and when. Because you don’t want to waste your time over someone that is not sure about you. If he still wants you, ask him what is his next plan. If he said he’s not sure, tell him that you need the clarification bcz it’s messing with your head, your future plan, your mental health. If he loves you then he doesn’t want to do bad things to you. If he said he wants to focus on his career, you can wait for him and you focus on yourself. If he said he wants to marry you but he doesn’t know when, plan the future together. Maybe he needs guidance. Maybe he needs to know that even if he take a long time, you’d still be patient with him and waiting him.
If he just being dismissive and get annoyed when you raise up this issue, I think he isn’t mature enough to talk about future and feelings.