Feeling Violated in My Marriage
I am feeling so torn in my marriage. This past summer I found a hidden phone in my closet that my husband hid to record me. When I found it, I was obviously horrified and called him out on it. His reason was “I was just trying to see what you were doing”.
So a little backstory. 6 years ago I cheated emotionally by texting another guy. It never went anywhere but regardless I betrayed my husband. Cheating is cheating.
Well he chose to stay and work things out. But in this time I have found him going through my watch, hiding a phone in my car and having the voice memo thing on record, and now secretly recording me in the bathroom. I’m not sure what else he may have done that I haven’t caught. When he gets insecure this is what he does. I used to apologize to him for making him feel that way. He’s a terrible communicator. Very non confrontational. So he does this. After the bathroom recording I said ok I’m done carrying this burden, this guilt. What he did crossed the line and I told him if he is going to punish me the rest of our marriage then to leave.
So now I walk around my house, and other places, feeling watched. Always looking for hidden cameras somewhere. He has told me he would never disrespect me like that again, but I can’t just shut it off. It has really affected me. I turned off my shared location on my phone with him because I’m trying to find any peace. But I still find myself checking my car. I have nothing to hide but I’m just so unsettled all the time.
How do I come back from this? It has given me an ick towards him.
@agreeableEyes3270
You are right to feel the ick. I am sorry that he is invading your privacy like this. You are right, if he cannot learn to trust you, then he is better off walking away. I can understand that your cheating affected him and he is worried about you doing it again but it does not excuse him recording you like that. It borders on controlling. You mention that he is not the best communicator. How do you feel about suggesting couples therapy to him?
He was previously married and unfortunately she cheated on him and is now married to that man. Well he moved onto me pretty shortly after they split so I don’t think he really dealt either the effect it had on him.
He has been to a few therapy sessions after the recording incident.
He has also had an issue with road rage. Like even is previous marriage. Like to the point of crawling into someone’s else’s passenger seat because he was mad. He also doesn’t care whether me and the kids are in the car when he gets aggressive. Recently I happened to catch him in road rage. He cut off 3 lane of traffic and pulled off hwy because another guy told him to….was a little over a month ago. That moment really upset me because he had been doing better I thought. He said I don’t do it with you guys….i said oh only when you think nobody is looking??
He’s the nicest guy. The good dude. He’s never mean to me, doesn’t say mean things hurt me does whatever I need. But it’s like he can’t control his emotions when he gets upset.
With him being non confrontational also means no boundaries. Especially with ex wife. They do have kids. We all get along great. Like great great. But he won’t stand up to her for so many different reasons. He let her ride with him on a 3 hour drive to watch their son play soccer. She has a car and a husband to get there. But he hid it from me…..he would rather upset me than just tell her no not appropriate or ask me…..I just don’t feel very emotionally protected by him and now I feel uncomfortable in my own home.
Sorry that was a lot
All of that sounds so frustrating! And It sounds like he never truly healed old wounds but that’s not on you! His lack of boundaries is dangerous. It’s not fair that he hides things from you that he does with his ex wife while also wanting to record you because he “doesn’t trust you” to tell the truth. Talk about hypocrisy?
And that road rage and anger? That’s scary and dangerous. Getting into people’s cars? Oh dear. Is he on any medication?
Also you mentioned He has had a few therapy sessions. How many is a few? Also it would be a good idea to have couples therapy since the issue is a system issue and not just individual.
Forgot to mention when he found out she cheated, he threw a device in her car to follow her to other guys place and then ended up hitting the guy.
He has been to 3 maybe 4 sessions. Did go to the dr and got on lexapro. Maybe it will help the impulse?
I probably need my own personal sessions. Between this marriage and childhood stuff, I would probably benefit.
But also together wouldn’t be bad.
@agreeableEyes3270
So he has a history of stalking and violence? That is scary. It sounds like he needs more therapy. I hope the medication helps his impulses. I definitely agree with you about your own individual counseling. You need someone to help you process this.
@agreeableEyes3270
i would suggest counseling. frankly the I am a bad communicator is the go-to excuse of far too many.
Communication is a skill that needs to be practiced and learned. Like riding a bike. people who say they cannot, IMO just not sure of themselves or what they want to say. We cannot change others only ourselves, but his behavior is feeling ick and will drive a wedge into a relationship still healing
