Guilt from not quite being unfaithful? 35m (gf 32f)
A couple of weeks ago I ended up at a house party and got chatting to a girl - nothing sinister, just talking and laughing about shared interests. Did sit a little close than I should and had my arm around her for a short while but didn't push or try to initate anything. Even asked if it was ok to have my arm there. Nothing else happened at all, we both starting talking about our respective relationships and being supportive.
I am in a relationship which is fairly new, only about 3/4 months in and my current gf has already tried to break it off a couple of weeks prior to this incident but then changed her mind and wants to work things out with me.
Whilst I didn't cross any boundaries, I am awash with guilt for even being in that situation. I know for sure alcohol was a major factor in allowing me to even getting that close physically to someone else and not moving away quickly, but I am also dealing with the reasons behind to why (namely not feeling good enough as my gf had already tried to end it). Absolutley not condoning my behaviour here, just trying to add context.
This is not me, this is not a situation I want to repeat and this is definitely not something I want to blow out of proportion and ruin what has been for the most part a really good relationship with my current gf - I see it lasting.
I don't want to burden her with my guilt if I am just overthinking this into something more than it was. I understand I crossed a boundary I wouldn't be happy to have heard happen if the situation was flipped. I haven't spoken to the girl again, have zero intentions of doing so in any context other than a hello if we see each other at another social event and have no interest in pursuing anyone else outside of my relationship whilst I am in it.
I'm so confused as to what to do. I am seeing a therapist but cannot get an appointment for a few days and I'm running myself in circles with worry.
If she’s willing to work on it with you, then she understands maybe there was a little bit of guilt that came with your response.
This is a easy thing to take for granted though. She needs some security reassurance. Try small things to reassure her she’s yours and you don’t want anyone else.
Many women fear other women because, unfortunately, most women don’t get stopped by that little ring on their finger. (The wrong kind of women) Many just enjoy whatever attention they can get.
So if you reassure your girlfriend and maybe try to control your actions upon drinking, it’ll help her understand you made a mistake. We’re people. We make them often. So long as you didn’t go further and she knows the whole truth, it’s a communication thing. Try to take her to these parties, or just be aware of what you’re doing when you’re there alone.
@kat9900I haven't told my gf about this - really that was part of what I was looking for advice on, to tell her or not.
This is absolutely nothing that will ever happen again.
@PJSY I feel your conscience will ultimately determine whether or not you tell your gf. The lesson that I, you and many others have learned is not to put ourselves in a situation that could become compromising, no matter how innocent it may seem. Alcohol or drugs can definitely lead us to poor, regretful decisions.
@Brightlook57 my conscious is torn, I know in my heart nothing would have happened and that nothing will ever happen now (this is a very sobering wake up call).
I don’t want to cause a void that we can’t recover from, my guilt was my doing and part of me feels that presenting this information would only hurt her more as now it’s actually a thing when at the moment; it’s my thing I should process and have learnt from in the most painful way. My mind has been a mess.
hi,
I honestly don't know, it depends on you if you want to tell her; if you tell her and she is receptive to it, then maybe you will grow closer. However, she could end up wondering why you would mention something so innocent to her, and then she might end up being very dubious about it, and even possibly hold it against you, and especially since you mentioned that she almost broke things off with you.
It depends what the reason is for telling her. What would be the reason for telling her
@reliableWest8997 Very well said.
p.s. My apologies, forgot to add depends also on her personality how she will react, you also did not tell us the reason why she wanted to break it off.
@reliableWest8997 She would not be receiptive to it at all, would take it very badly and would likely bail.
She has her own self esteem issues, but she bailed on things because she is a self confessed 'committment phobe', displays strong avoidant tendencies and felt overwhelmed in a moment/angry and called things off.
When I didn't fight it and just let her be, she got angry towards me and started trying to get me to react which I didn't.
@Satori44
Thank you for your input - some good thinking points.
That's what I have been trying to get my head around during this situation, and through some writing last night (just letting out thoughts as they came), what I arrived at was that I have been so up and down with my gf the last 3 weeks, it was nice to just talk to someone who was giving me some attention without the stress or emotional rollercoaster of trying to please them, which is what I've been having to do in my current relationship a bit too much. Something which I know I will need to address.
And yes this guilt is self-inflicted, I've even written to myself as if I was giving my friend advice in the same situation, and it's always landed at 'you didn't do anything wrong, and it's not surprising you'd entertain a conversation where someone was being genuinely nice to you and giving you attention you've not been having where you'd expect it'
My first question is this: Do you base your self worth solely on your girlfriend's opinion of you? It's great to be in a happy relationship and to work for something that is good. The insecurity (harsh word, sorry) that your question stemmed from makes it sound as though you feel inferior to her. It seems you do not trust your connection with her. Again, I am 100% speculating, but a relationship will never work if one partner is insecure and asks, "what do you see in me?" either to themselves or aloud. After a while, if your partner hears it (or something along that vein) repeatedly, the. They begin to wonder, "Wow. What DO I see in you?" Watch out for the self-fulfilling prophecies!
@PestoPasta8973
My self esteem is quite low to be honest from ongoing issues and something I am trying to work on. I have had to ask for those reassurances in the past but also recognise that it's not productive for either of us and that assurance has to start with me.
The insecurity recently is that she has not been consistent, has actually broken up with me and then changed her mind, but before that been quite hot and cold on her affection toward me. I think there is some serious work to be done there, but this might be the wake up call to take some action and communnicate the issues and see if it is worth pursuing - I don't like feeling like attention elsewhere is warranted as I would hate that for myself, but I give a lot more than she does so that could also be part of the problem. I feel like I'm confusing a friendly chat and banter with another female as something I should feel massively guilty about when I really don't have any kind of feeling for this other person beyond 'that was a chat this evening'.
Yikes! I recently got out of a situation with someone who is avoidant. Personally, I like to talk things out. He likes to pretend nothing ever happened—about ANY conflict—no matter how big or small. It's been almost six months since he and I parted ways and I 100% still love him, but my mental health has improved DRASTICALLY since I'm not constantly wondering if/what I did wrong and what I need to do to be "worthy" of his attention. I feel like I should take my own advice here, but please understand there is nothing wrong with you.
Being in a hot-and-cold relationship really takes its toll after a while. It is perfectly understandable to me why you were subliminally seeking emotional attachment elsewhere. Take a step back from how you think you "should" act (my spiritual director once told me to "stop should-ing" all over myself) and consider whether or not this relationship is healthy. Take it from someone who has been there. Feeling like you constantly need to walk on eggshells to keep her happy will eventually destroy you.
@PestoPasta8973 I'm glad you understand and yes this has been part of the issue, I'm a 'talk it out and fix it now' person, she doesn't want conflict and anything at all that is less than positive is taken as an attack and like I'm just throwning out criticisms (which is not, it's just communicating my needs).
Totally agree on the eggshells and I've said this to her as well - I can't live having to edit everything I say beyond it's intended meaning just so as no to upset her or set her off. I guess the other night was just nice to have some attention/connect with no stress involved and it was just surface level nice conversation. I have no attachment at all to this other person and we even talked about our own personal situations so there was no interest of more from either side.
@PJSY,
you didn't do anything wrong.
Stop worrying and overthinking about nothing.
And a girlfriend who wants to break up after just a couple of months and then wants to work things out (what would there be to work out after a few months) doesn't sound like someone who is committed and really in love. Sounds more like a calculated love from her side.
@dukeofdearham Thank you - I'm going to try and curb that overthink.
She's avoidant for sure and hasn't been consistent. I guess I will need to find out from her if this is what she actually wants or not because I haven't felt safe the last few weeks, which I suppose is why outside nice attention was so easily received because it felt good to be noticed.
@PJSY i'm 35f. i can relate to your situation a bit, even though my experience was different than yours.
my situation was a long-term relationship that i pretty much knew wasn't going to last. i developed feelings for a guy just from chatting with him, no flirtation or anything. it never amounted to anything but i felt so bad i told my bf and we broke up. which was good in the end. but we tried to stay friends and he began verbally abusing me, kept calling me a cheater, and blamed me as the cause of our relationship not working out, when in reality he was the main problem in the relationship, etc.
of course, do what you feel is best for you. my advice would be, if you think speaking to your therapist would help at all, try waiting to speak to them before making a decision. my only fear would be telling your gf and then she holds it over your head for the rest of the relationship or it becomes a big issue when it really doesn't need to be. i recommend thinking it through, weighing the possibilities of how she'll react. and i think you're on the right track with looking at your interaction with this other girl and seeing what you can learn from it.
@fearlessWriter78
Thanks for sharing your experience and for your input. For my situation, there's no developed attraction to anyone else or a desire to cheat. I think on reflection I feel guilty for being in a situation where that could have happened but at the same time don't want to ruin what I have.
Truth be told, my current gf is very avoidant, has been hot and cold recently and after pulling away a couple of times, I do not feel safety/consistency from her to be able to feel secure. This would only serve to push things way beyond any kind of repair, and whilst I have had a difficult time trying to get to a good stage, I do care for her and want to offer the patience and understanding and do what I can from my to make it work. I wouldn't want it to end wondering 'what if' - hope that makes sense.
PJSY,
Before you decide whether you did anything wrong or not ask yourself this, “Would you like to see your gf doing just what you did?”
You were playing with fire. What you were doing is exactly the way cheating starts. I hope you will stop minimizing it.
The question is whether or not to tell your gf what you did. So, I ask you this, what are your reasons for telling her? So that you can alleviate your guilt? So that you will feel better? How do you think she will feel? Do you think she will trust you once she knows?
What if you don’t tell her? What if you learned a huge lesson and you promise to never put yourself in that kind of situation again and you stick to that promise? If you had cheated on her I would say you must tell her. However, given the situation it seems like if you learned the lesson then it’s possible to just let it go.
To be honest, you’re still in a much better place. I can imagine how much worse you’d feel if you would have ended up cheating on her. But I guess you’re right at keeping this from her because it’s your guilt, and your emotions that you need to deal with. As much as I would say if I was in her place I’d like for you to be honest, but definitely that is absolutely not practical as once the trust is broken, there is absolutely nothing left in the relationship to fix. So you should rather continue withholding your emotions about what happened in the party. As for your own confusion, I guess you should think whether its her you want to be with or is it that you just don’t want to be alone and hence are with her. And do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her with all her flaws. If the answer to this is yes, relax and live freely, you didn’t do anything wrong. But if your answer is no, I guess its self explanatory what needs to be done. Good luck!
If I were her, I feel like I would want you to be honest. To me, putting your arm around someone is not platonic. But it sounds like this is stemming from your relationship with gf not being healthy. I feel like in a healthy relationship, you could communicate something like this openly without the other person blowing up. Maybe it's a matter of trying to communicate with your gf more and maybe you could even ask if she would come to a therapy appointment with you... or you may decide with your counselor that the relationship is too unhealthy for you as she is doing things like breaking up and changing her mind.
