How to get an apology
My boyfriend and I have been together 3.5 years long distance. We are in our 30’s. The relationship started out great but I quickly began to take notice of his anger. In the beginning, he was open with me about his anger issues but basically said that the solution was to not *** him off…
A couple months ago, he made the comment that I need to “straighten up”. It very much felt like a father scolding his child. I replied by saying “don’t say that, you’re not my dad.” To which he responded, “well maybe you need a dad to straighten you the *** up.” A little backstory…my dad died 7.5 years ago and my boyfriend is aware.
Recently, after taking a few months break, he’s back to hanging out with his friend who is a terrible influence on him. I’ve been around him and he’s always pushing my boyfriend to drink hard liquor. In return, my boyfriend will treat me like crap afterwards. A few days ago, we hadn’t spoken the whole entire day, which was odd. After my boyfriend got off work, he went straight to the friends house and didn’t say anything to me. I called and texted but received no response. Whenever this friend is involved, my boyfriend suddenly forgets all about me. It’s so bizarre.
He finally called. I told him I was upset that he hadn’t texted all day to which he responded, “can you shut up for 2 seconds so I can put eye drops in?!” I said “no, I don’t need to stop talking for you to put eye drops in.” I continued by saying, “you should have let me know you were going to his house. This is honestly why I don’t like him.”
His response was absolutely disgusting. He yelled “*** YOU!” to me.
I asked him, “did you really just say that to me?”
He proudly and arrogantly responded, “yep, I suuure did!”
I hung up and blocked him for a bit, as I knew he would repeatedly keep calling to argue if I didn’t.
The next morning I woke up to a text: “good morning. I love you.”
However, he didn’t apologize. I didn’t respond, and that text was sent on Wednesday. We haven’t talked since then. I think he definitely owes me an apology but whenever I ask for one (in other situations), he’s gets very angry and says he will apologize on his own terms if he feels the need to…which he never does…
So it’s just upsetting and hurtful. I finally texted him today and said he needed to call me today. He responded “oh so now you want to talk? You haven’t said anything to me since Tuesday. I’ll call tonight, I’m not gonna fight at work.”
When he does call…how can I gently request an apology without him getting angry?
@forcefulVillage1767
I feel an asked for apology especially if you asked for more then once is NOT a real apology if finally given. A real apology is worth more then a million fake ones IMO.
It is just to appease you til the same thing happens again. Some people want the words but if empty what would be the point. same with apologies that blaming drinking. How many times do you want to repeat. I get it that that one bad "friend" that will pull someone into bad things again Until he sees it and breaks contact himself your warnings about "friend" or complaints will only strengthen his resolve to hang with that guy.
@forcefulvillage1767
The fact that he so casually blew off his anger issues and told you not to *** him off? You can be open about your issues, but you also need to be working on them, because you know what his response is going to be when you say why are you so angry? He’s going to say that he told you about it, so it’s not his fault.
You should not be reaching back out to him unless you get an apology. And screw “gently requesting” an apology. He has a drinking problem or an anger while drinking problem. Both are red flags. The stuff he said about your dad? Unacceptable. Cursing at you? Unacceptable. And then bragging about cursing at you? It’s a h*ll no for me. That’s a narcissist if I ever saw one.
I worry about your relationship because what if one of you guys moves in with the other? Who’s to say that’s where his verbal abuse ends? And why would you even want to be around someone who acts like that when they’re drinking? You’d have to set a hard boundary that he would never drink. And how do you think he’ll take that? You can’t tiptoe around it. He needs a come to Jesus moment and you need to demand an apology or block him, because it will never stop and it will be the same thing for years and years. You deserve a man, not an insolent child.
