I'm really confused and struggling to be okay.
Me and my boyfriend it's fairly new of 4 months have been going so well, we've just been away together and had a fab time he said it himself, he always tells me he likes me and I'm pretty etc, last weekend I spent the weekend at his and we had a good time, just relaxed together and had a dinner date it was lovely, we didn't argue or have any bad interactions, he even said how glad he was I'd put up with him for 4 months, I left his pretty happy.
He messaged me to check I was home and it was still all fine. The get to Monday he doesn't message me all day this is odd I asked if he was okai? He said he was sorry he was just really busy. Okai that's fine, next day doesn't speak to me again, I leave it thinking he's busy and message him in the morning to which he replies to me late in the evening 2 messages and that's it. The following day I decide I should ask if something going on between us and if I've done something wrong. He said I haven't done anything wrong he's just feeling a little down ATM. I offered my support and love and told him I'd leave him to it.
Gets to Saturday and I haven't heard much feeling really sad like something is wrong. So I ask again telling him it's causing me to be anxious about our relationship and upsetting me we are a official couple, he said he's sorry he's been off he's just feels like he needs some space.
I asked what has brought this on and he said he doesn't know he just been feeling a little down.
I said I understand and I'll give him some space I'm just worried bout him cuz he won't talk to me. He appologise for not talking much and said he knows he's been a bit rude towards me.
Next day does talk to me, which ok I said I'd give him space but it's hard. We now on today. I wished him a good day and said I hope he is ok nothing else and he said he hopes I'm ok too.
Any idea what's going on? I know it's impossible for stranger to know but I'm going insane I need to talk it out, i really like him and I know he likes me, we've been going well for the last few months no issues, he tells me how much he likes me, how glad he is we made it to 4 months, how pretty I am how happy he is! It makes no sense! he tells me nothing has gone wrong, I havent done anything when I asked just he needs some space for a little bit he's been feeling a bit down.
Could he be overwhelmed with his feelings? Maybe he thinks we see each other too much which I get we all need time to ourselves 🤷 I don't know how to be myself when I feel so down and am being left in the dark with what's going on.. any advice is great. Please don't tell me to just leave him, my mind been there I am thinking about a lot, but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt we are quite new maybe he has mental health issues I am yet to learn.. thanks in advance.
Sorry this is long 🙄
@pinkSkies9590
Sometimes when relationships get closer and real although in the moment seems all good ... he could be questioning or overwhelmed like you suggested. maybe scared of what is next or what you might expect....
Often in relationship no one did something or is to blame................. but a person needs time to really see where they are emotionally ........ have you ever been in the moment ...said things that on second thought may have been premature etc.....
I know we get anxious why has someone not responded ASAP etc..... most of that we are building in our head and creates tension for when texts or calls happen.....
I get that, I'm a really anxious person and am my own worst enemy at times, I've been hurt really bad before and I just don't want to go through all this to be hurt again.
How long is exceptable when your a couple? How long do I realistically give him untill it becomes unfair on me as a part of this couple.
@pinkSkies9590 There is a point where you have to stop asking him. He said he needs space and maybe that means what he said or something else. You can’t know. But if you keep asking it might not feel like space to him. Hold on to this relationship, but loosely.
Maybe he is having doubts about the relationship - Not because it’s NOT going well, but because it IS going well and that terrifies him! Some people with damaged self esteem who experienced last betrayal and trauma are constantly waiting for every good thing in their lives to turn into a disaster. And when everything seems to be going wonderful in their relationship, instead of celebrating and being grateful about it, they start to panic and spend their time wondering if it’s not better to just abort the relationship right now while it’s going good before it has a chance to go bad.
Self deprecating comments are indicators of low self esteem -"Im surprised youre still with me after four months!" "Thanks for putting up with me for four months!" They inevitably make statments such as "I dont deserve you.. You're too good for me!"
You might wonder if he believes these things, then why get in a relationship at all ? if hes just planning on cutting contact, not talking to his partner, why be with someone to begin with?! isnt that cruel and frustrating and unfair to the other person ? Yes. it is. But due to their damaged self esteem (and often depression/ anxiety that usually accompanies it) they are constantly "lonely" and very often seek others to validate them, seek company that makes them feel good about themselves. So they tend to gravitate towards positive intimate relationships in which mutual positive regard and validation is the norm; but at the same time in their minds they will retreat and rebel against affection and intimacy and any love that they receive and will constantly fear abandonment.
I am just speculating of course without knowing him at all. But if I had to make a guess I would think it is that. And if it is that, then what he needs right now is reassurance. Dont call him out on his flaws - Like "Why didnt you answer my texts?!" "Why arent you talking to me?! why are you acting different?!" etc … While you are entitled to think and feel those things in the circumstances, if he is feeling vulnerable and fearful they will merely enflame his self loathing and self doubt. Rather what he needs is someone to tell him everything is going to be OK. Focus on the positive. Tell him you miss him. That youre there for him. That you enjoy his company. That you want him. That hes funny and charming and he makes you happy. Talk to him like everything is normal - EVEN if he doesnt reply. Hes subconsciously testing you to see if youll leave if he doesnt talk to you for days at a time. Because in his mind "Everyone always leaves, because thats what I deserve!"
And what is most reassuring for people is consistency. When you stay by there side and show them with your actions and your efforts that you're faithful, that youll fight for them, that you want to make it work together, no matter the fear and the doubt that YES it might not work out and might be difficult! But you choose them REGARDLESS.
I hope that was helpful to you in some way! All the best to you both with your situation!
CatsInTheCradle