I want to stop being toxic - please help?
my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me on friday. i'm hopeful it won't be forever because we believe we are soulmates but i understand we need a break because i have some issues to work on. our relationship is great but i have toxic behaviours sometimes and i want to fix it. i acknowledge i was the issue in our relationship and not him. he's been nothing but wonderful to me and i think the way i can be is a result of childhood trauma and my own issues, but i don't want to make excuses and i want to fix this because he doesn't deserve it. i have written down the main issues that i was doing. some are more minor than others but they're all still important. 1 - insecurities, i struggle with EDs and think because of my rocky relationship with myself this may have effected the relationship, he always wanted to help me and i think it effected him that he couldn't help me (even though it wasn't his fault) 2 - manipulation, i'm guilty of being manipulative at times because we were so close and i was jealous when he was doing things that didn't revolve around me. 3 - anger issues, i also would sometimes take my anger out on him when what i was annoyed at wasnt his fault. 4 - selfishness, sometimes i would be selfish too, and only think about myself and not his feelings and i wouldn't think before i spoke 5 - clingyness, he was the only person i felt safe enough to talk to about my problems so i think this made me too dependent on him does anyone have any advice? i feel like an awful person and i have been at times but i want to help myself. i don't want to be this way. i want to be better and be better for him because i don't want to lose him permanently. he said he loves me so much and wants us to work. i've tried speaking to my friends about it and although i've told them i'm in the wrong, they can't really help much because they are trying to be nice and they only see the good side of me if that makes sense. any tips would be helpful :(
@cherrycherry01
One thing that's a little inconvenient here is that I can't see your post while writing about it. Becauase you have so much thoughtful to say, I made a copy to look at.
Thank you so much for being so open and reflective here. Openness is so valuable and I appreciate it.
I believe I am not nice, but I am kind. I agree that being too nice sometimes causes problems. I hope to be on the better-for-you side of that divide.
I think it might not be helpful to label yourself as "toxic" and may do more hard than good to attack yourself. But, your itemised list does seem thoughtful and healthy without overdosing on self-blame.
1. I think this one isn't you fault, but there is a window of opportunity here. You wrote "He always wanted to help me", and that sounds good and it probably is, but I expect it's entirely reasonable that he didn't know how to help. Unfortunately this is typical. Now, it may be that you don't know how he can help you either, but I imagine if you talk to either a physician or a therapist they could suggest ways that those who care about you can be more supportive. It's great when someone wants to help - the next step is finding and describing ways that this can be done.
2. / 5. I think from what you say these are the same. They both are centred on you not having other outlets. I know it can be difficult to find others you trust. You've taken a very good first step. You're here. And you're sharing now. Keep doing this so that you do not need to solely rely on one person. And I do hope and believe that the more that you diversify the support you get in your life, the more you will support and understand the value of the same in your partner. They need to get support from others just as you do. It is good, healthy, and valuable.
3. and 4. perhaps range in how significant they are, for that matter, everything you have said does. I can think of things that would be fitting of an "awful person", but I can also see that what you do is likely to be more minor than how you describe it. Be careful to not go to another extreme and not care for yourself at all. That is definitely not good. There are plenty of resources for anger management that will have better suggestions than I do.
Overall, I think admitting these at the times that they happen is probably going to be valuable. You have an excellent sense of self-awareness and you can use it to your benefit.
I'm wary of saying more without knowing particulars - because it could be more serious than it sounds, or more likely it could be that you are blaming yourself for minor things and need to be more accepting of you being you and therefore not always doing what is convenient for others.
I am glad you are here. Thank you for sharing.
I loved your answer, so thoughtful, i was wondering if you can read my thread and answer mine? 🙏
@Gabilu
I will look for it. I appreciate your request.
I agree with mathetmess, if you can afford therapy go for it, you are very lucky to have someone that is willing to help you , so yeah, i think working on yourself is really important to move forward, and also I'm going to recommend a youtube channel called the dating guy, he won't be like all those scammers that says give me 1000 dollars and I'll get your ex back, no, they tell you to focus on yourself so you can get them back
I related so much to this thread. I’m also in a two year relationship where I feel like I present a lot of those same problems. Feel like we’re on the same boat, please feel free to let me know how this goes for you
Hi there I felt everything you wrote, I’m having the same problems and yesterday I told my boyfriend that I’m done! because he lied to me after he promised he will not lie again, he said “you don’t make easy to talk , i did it because I want to protect you”. Now I very confused I now I’m can be hard sometimes but I’m trying to change , Also I feel that he is wrong for laying to me and use my bad attitude as an excuse. I don’t know what to do Want to stay with him, at the same I wonder will I be able to fully trust him ? I didn’t talk to him neither he did Please If anyone have some advice for me.
@faithfulPine8722
Thank you for sharing. I know these are always difficult situations. From what you write it sounds as if there are three issues:
1. His lying. 2. your "being hard", 3. you want to stay for some reason.
I agree you and I think it is important that you explain to him that part of being in a serious relationship is being honest when it is difficult. Your "attitude" is not a reason for him not being honest with you. The real question here seems to be what is most important to you. My instinct is to say that you deserve honesty, but I realise that I'm putting my own preferences on the situation. What seems most needed is you to think carefully about what is most important to you. Is staying more important to you than him being honest? Is it more important to you that you are not "hard"? That is sincerely up to you. You get to decide what you need most. Probably when you do make this decision, be responsible and tell him directly, and then follow through with it.
Remember you get to set your own priorities - not him, and surely not me. You have agency and you decide what you will do. I believe in you and know you can find good for you as you decide what that is.
Thank you for replying . The reason that I’m considering staying with his that I’ve been really mean with him every time he mention a girl’s name , so he hide some small details from me because he is trying to avoid fighting, this is the only thing we fought about “girls”! And he always come and tell me that he hid something and he wishes that he can be honest with my and about ability to see anything without me getting angry or upset .I ‘m confused honestly I’m not sure what to do , also as I said I didn’t talk to him and he didn’t tried to reach me ,I’m not sure how he feels about what happened . And I don’t want to reach him first.
@faithfulPine8722
It seems the single best and most important thing, as I was saying above, is to consider about what you do want. Take this time to think yourself, to feel, to be completely honest. Maybe write it down. Think and reflect about what you want and need, and then share as honestly and openly as you can. Those seem like good next steps.
-Do you think I should not stay with him and try? - is okay to forgive the small lies that he always eventually tell me everything later? Of course I want this attitude to change as I’m willing to work on my self. Tell me your honest opinion 🙏🏻
@faithfulPine8722
My honest opinion, that I feel very strongly about, is that there is no "should". You need to think carefully about what you honestly want, and what is truly important to you. I cannot tell you what is important to you. Decide on your priorities and then follow through with your decisions.
It is up to you. You get to do what is good for you.
Oh God, you made me feel like there is no chance for our relationship to survive, thank you very much for your replies I really appreciate it
@faithfulPine8722
Probably anything can "survive", but the question that is more important is if it is good for you. And that is only up to you to decide.
@faithfulPine8722,
adding a bit to mathetmess' previous reply, question for your true self is, what is more important for you, your principle that he should be honest? Or a genuine unconditional love you might feel. He seems to admit that he is not being honest (I personally wouldn't call it lying). To me that means that he can admit that he was indeed not honest. That is something to build on, and work on. Talk with him, ask him what would make it easier for him to be honest from the start. Tell him how it feels to you, and think on how you deal with your feeling that he is not honest. There is something behind that.
I have been in a situation that I caught my partner lying. When confronted, she denied. When confronted during counseling, she admitted. Now, there are more things she was not honest about. Hurtful things. She denied. I understood the hurtful things, her denying made me, let's put it mildly, not exactly feel comfortable. It took me a lot of effort to step out, look at the situation and go like "I love her unconditionally, what matters most in the end, you being right that she is not honest, or your true self? If she chooses to be not totally honest, that is her problem, don't make it yours".
Can be easier said then done, it can be like walking a thin line, your emotions trying to tell you "he's a liar, again, he is not to be trusted, ditch him!". And then there's boundaries, now, is a boundary really that important? Your call.
Take care.
@dukeofdearham
Eloqiuent and thoughtful. Same bottom line. In the end, I do think that's the one and only true answer.
Thank you for your reply I’m between two options staying with the possibility (hope not) to get hurt, or leaving without trying.
@faithfulPine8722,
you don't know what's gonna happen so why worry about possibly getting hurt? It eats at you. Just be present, here and now, take some deep slow breathes to ease down. By worrying about what might or might not happening you create a story, a bad advise to true self.
May I ask about what happened with your partner? Did you leave?
@faithfulPine8722,
I didn't leave. I did some stupid things, driven by emotion, violated her privacy by going through personal files. I wasn't kicked out. This happened because, to be honest, I still had suspicions, I had found files that confirmed my suspicions.
Anyway, trust has been pretty much damaged. We're still doing joint counseling though. And I have dived deep into my self to work on my self, hard. So, the need for honesty can do serious harm. Any need can, if it turns into "it's justified, I am so right, I knwe it". I decided to stay with myself in the end, and take responsibility for my actions, and work on my self.
@all,
here's an email I scheduled to be sent to me every day. It helps me to remind me what it all comes down to.
Hi <your name>,
here's your reminder for today.
You can do it, I have faith in you!
Whatever <partner's name> does, or doesn't, <he/she/how you address your partner> loves you.
Whatever <partner's name>asks, or not asks, respect. You love <partner's name>.
Give <partner's name>space, and create your own space. It will make love stronger.
Feel the love for self.
Let <her/his/how you address your partner> love in.
Feel, don't think. Step out, breathe, breathe again.
Peace and stillness, unconditional love.
<partner's name> loves you.
You love <her/him/how you address your partner>.
It's all there.
Love you,
<your name>
Thank you for sharing , I’m sorry for your struggle.So you tried therapy ,you tried to work on your self , you stayed ! I hope this is the right thing for you both ❤️. In my case the lie was about seeing a friend that i asked not to see anymore ( now i understand that’s immature) I know I’m a bit controlling here but I’m so hurt he kept it from me. Reviewing our relationship for the past two years we are really great together the only thing we fought about is girls because I was jealous. That’s why I feel I don’t to leave without trying,I see couples who been through real problems and they managed to stay happy together . At the same time i feel i want to end and relax my mind from any potential danger in the future :(
