Should I attempt being friends or let it all go...
I've (28F) been in a very toxic, unhealthy, and at times abusive relationship. We split up (I initiated the breakup) again hopefully for the last time but I left the option of friends on the table. He (30M) said he wanted to at least be friends but constantly crosses boundaries. Expects me to check in and let him know where I'm going and when, call and text all the time, see him regularly throughout the week, didn't respect when I ask him not to touch me/grab at me, still wants to be very touchy feely, always questions where I am, who I'm with, who I'm talking to, if I'm talking about him, says I'm not allowed to talk to his friends (who I have become close with after a year and a half). Overall, it's just a lot and very controlling (at least i feel like it's controlling, he says it's all concern).
Well a lot of this came to a head Saturday night and we got into a massive fight and he ended up telling me he can't respect my boundaries because he still loves me and misses me. He got very erratic and made me feel very unsafe (I'm glossing over details because there was a lot that happened). I Sunday I did not speak to him at all because I was still highly upset at everything that happened on Saturday.
On a normal day to day basis, I do enjoy talking to him the majority of the time we talk. We agree on a lot of things, have similar viewpoints, and usually the conversations are good. We both like watching our shows together and going to dinner and seeing new movies. There's a lot that is good from a friendship standpoint, but the rest puts a heavy strain on me and causes a lot of stress. And at this point I don't know if it's even worth trying to patch things up to be friends. As of this post, we are not speaking and he has not responded to my message. I really do not know what the best move is from here and would really appreciate anyone who is willing to talk through some of this with me.
@BabyBlueFox
Truth is some cannot be friends after a relationship sounds like he thinks hanging out as friends etc will end up back in a relationship and he is working that angle...
@BabyBlueFox,
someone who does not respect your boundaries and invades your space and keeps on doing that is someone you don't want in your life.
Choose you.
Simple as that.
You’ll miss him but you need a clean break … no friends or contact break up. It’s seems like you can’t do it but you can and your 30yold self will thank you for cutting him off to make room for someone who treats you right. Don’t wast time for comfort or convenience believe me it not worth it.
try to make platonic girlfriends that you can hangout with and talk to in the meantime. you got this! Good luck 🙏🏾
@BabyBlueFox
From what you describe, no matter what he agrees to, friendship is not on offer. We can't force friendship on someone who doesn't understand, value or want it.
He is using “Friends” as a gateway to “more than friends”, which he has already admitted to you is what he wants. He already told you he does not see you as a friend.
That means any friendship with him, he will immediately disrespect because he does not respect your boundaries to begin with and has demonstrated at every opportunity that when it comes to just doing whatever he wants that is what’s always going to happen.
Part of you seems to want to believe in the best of him. Part of you seems to want to ignore all that other horrible stuff (physical violence, him trying to control every aspect of your life, his constant disrespecting of you as a human being) and seems to be trying to convince yourself that a friendship could still work somehow because you enjoy the same shows and have great conversations. It doesn’t work that way. Respect is the foundation for EVERY relationship. It doesn’t matter how brilliant every other aspect of the relationship is, without a foundation of basic mutual respect, it’s like building a mansion on a swamp - it’s guaranteed to SINK and FAIL in a toxic ugly mess.
As long as he sees you as a possession, as long as he thinks love is about control, as long as he can’t respect your own autonomy and cannot accept you as an independent human being with boundaries and feelings - then NO, you are only harming and degrading yourself thinking any kind of friendship with him will be good for you.
In these kinds of situations, you can only rely on YOURSELF to have the strength to do what’s right for you. Waiting for him to change or improve or be better is just going to be harmful and emotionally draining (and almost always futile in the end). Please don’t put yourself through that! You deserve better.
CatsInTheCradle
