Should I stay or should I go?
I recently found out after 7 1/2 years of being married to my husband he has been having an online affair with several women. Most of them are just validation type things, like them sending a selfie picture of themselves and he would tell them they look pretty. There is one however that went beyond that particular fantasy, and they had a Master Slave type thing going on where he would tell her what to do and she would do it. He never sent her any pictures, just instructions mainly. There were several pictures of nudity mostly her chests, and also some video of her ***, but most of the pictures 70% are her wearing fully clothes, but it shows her cleavage. You can tell there wasn't any intimacy between the two of them and she was very aware of me. In fact all of them knew about me and he even told some of them that he was happily married to me and just adores me. However he still continued this Behavior under the stipulation that was only online. He told me himself he didn't think he did anything wrong and he didn't feel that it was considered cheating because I didn't find him in a hotel room. Now of course he sees my side of it he says and he feels very sorry that all of this has happened and he did this to hurt me . He also was contacting his ex-wife and trying to get her to meet up with him, and she would decline every time mentioning that she was aware of the others. That probably also hurt my pride too. So here we are 3 months later and I've decided to do my best to try to stay, for the reasons of Love sure, for the reasons that we have a child together sure, for the reason that does appear it was just online and there's a lot of evidence of that and nothing does show that he physically had met up with them. I'm struggling though. I'm struggling to stay, because no matter how many times he tells me he's sorry or how much he loves me or how willing he is to go to counseling I have this overwhelming feeling that this probably isn't over with. I have checked in his phone over and over again and I do know all the secret spots to look that he doesn't even know, which I'm fully aware of because when I first did find out that he was cheating, it was very obvious where all of these things are and he just didn't even delete things correctly or isn't aware I would have to say. So these are all the excuses I've been using to stay, all the reasons above are the reasons I want to leave and I have been suffering with this decision for 3 months because I'm just still in the middle of all of it. Although I haven't found anything new I do keep on finding old things. I know I've been told to stop looking, but I guess at the same time do you ever really stop. I know you're down the line I will have to look as a check-in at least that's what I keep telling myself. I reached out to my second counselor on here and I've been doing my best to work through this I would love to hear what others feel.
@Lucyinthesky76
Well , i am not sure if this can really be considered as affair maybe friendships without boundaries. They knew that your husband was happy with you and adores you . Staying is a good option if you can just leave the matter and stop checking his phone and trust him on it. I dont believe talking to girls can be considered cheating but its possible that cheating or not it makes you sad . When you said that your husband felt sorry when he realised your perspective , there is a slight difference in his and your perspective thst cannot fulfilled by logic alone . If you were to talk to a man and you would have your emotions attached to the man , you would subconciously compare your husband to the man and maybe in anger tell him to but that wont happen with your husband .
@Lucyinthesky76
So it was all online....... he told them he was married and happy with you .yet he was seeking out validation or something from these chats......... did he explain to you what need or want he was fulfilling with this?
Many articles/and discussion about cheating always speak of most of cause was a need or want NOT being filled. It sounds from reading here and other forum i belong to Many seek some sort of validation that they still got it or whatever ..... both sexes. can you be sure it won't happen again maybe not....because he was getting a thrill of having these women send photos etc.
i think the internet and cell phones have created a whole other issue in this area that many did not have to deal with before.
i think the lines are blurry and easy to step over.....people all over looking for friend really a person to talk to and sometimes it goes farther ...... those doing it do not see it as cheating maybe until plans or discussions to meet...... they think of it more as a fantasy or a game..... while others it seems feel very strong that this was a scandal or something ........
TRUTH lies in the middle IMO ........ you have clearly defined your line to him ?
he did say he was sorry but to be really sorry. Did you clearly understand what was the payoff to him in these chats more then cleavage photos......
do you have a plan to work on your relationship moving forward, if you stay , other then just monitoring his phone...?
those who think "i will just go thru your phone i know how to track you"..... does not sound like a partner but a warden ....... NO one can RE-gain Trust if it is CLEAR you do not trust at all...... looking for more does what upset you and if you bring that up to him do you believe that makes him feel good about himself and provide validation he was looking for in these chats to begin with.
i hope your counseling helps and you find peace in your choices.
Tiger, I thank you for your insightful post. You asked a lot of questions that were needed to be spoken. Responding to the last part, if I stay I have to release the urges of going through his phone, yes of course. And i am getting from ot what I'm guessing my husband was getting from contacting women online. He will have to release those urges.
Most of the activity happened just before he turn 50. I'm quite sure that it is validation sean. Even some of the women who reached out to me had all said that they thought it was also validation just the way he presented himself. There is the one woman however that he actually had a fantasy relationship with. She clearly was the submissive and he clearly was the master. That is the one with the cleavage shots but also keep in mind there was nudity breasts and videos of her ***. The conversations between both of them were not very intimate there was no promise of Love or meet me at the hotel room yes that is clear. This particular relationship was purely mental sexually. As far as I can tell. All of the women he had new before we got married and was actually involved with the activity already. He brought that into our marriage. Then the ex-wife is well he was contacting but she wasn't receptive when he was inappropriate. Yes I understand that most of the seems very inappropriate and not really considered cheating and that's been my dilemma of trying to work out my decision. But also he still won't behind my back with secrets and lies makes it probably more devastating, especially since a few times before in the previous years when I sent something wasn't quite right and asked him of course he lied about it he only confessed until I actually showed him the proof about it. One thing that he did actually mention was if I didn't look I would never find out but the only reason why I found out was he accidentally text me the text that was meant for his ex. A sexual experience that they did while they were married. So yes I do know that I can go back to the behavior of not looking at his phone and of course I don't trust him yet because of how big the situation is it's not just one woman it's many. And of course I'm trying to find ways to work through it with him that's counseling and other things like not talking about it until counseling comes up but that's why I found myself here because obviously I need to help myself move forward and talk about it since he has asked me not to tell any of our friends or associate Etc. My close friends do know. Speaking of his payoff he told me it was purely fantasy and that he wanted to control her that's what he got from her. We do not have that relationship where I would be a submissive. He said that it was drying out before I caught him and it does seem like that's the case cuz there wasn't as much correspondence between them. He never wanted these actions from me he said he didn't respect her and he respects me but that also makes my heart hurt. Because you should respect all women and that behavior probably should have happened. I digress thank you for your insightfulness and bluntness. One thing that he has said and that I do know is I did nothing wrong. We have a sexually active relationship, we only argue when we're talking about our son, we go on beautiful trips we like the same things, and I'm the type of laid-back person who's up for everything. I just got to work on the worry.
@Lucyinthesky76
Your welcome i have been told bluntness is a blessing and a curse.
the answer could be there in your post ...... turning 50 .....midlife crisis ? at a certain age many want to fill attractive and validated by someone other then their partner
As we age all of us we wonder about things we have not done.......... we might have wanted to try etc. Very few doing this type of thing online ........... think of it as cheating but in a way i can see the other points..... no it is not something he expected from you but he wanted to experience and it does fizzle out as only so many photos or role play can happen in text or email etc.
I am glad you have opened up with him about it etc and hope it can be resolved .
@Lucyinthesky76
It must be very upsetting and scary to learn that your husband has been interacting with other woman online. Some thoughts - Sounds like he always spoke of you and in a positive way. Doesn't sound like he really wanted a relationship with any of these women. It sounds more like he went down a slippery slope and rationalized what he was doing since it was just online it was more like watching pornography - interactive pornography. Not sure your feelings about pornography and masturbation but interacting online directly with other women is crossing a line and you let him know this. A big part of him already knew which is why he hid his actions. Sounds like part of him wants to act like a teenager again and fantasize sexually and he really wants to be with you. Sounds like this is something that you two can and will work out. You have so many good things - sexually active relationship, hardly ever argue, go on beautiful trips, like the same things, etc...