Struggle with Trust
This may not seem like a huge deal and maybe it isn't but I am still seriously thrown by it and not too sure how to process it. I found out that my boyfriend vapes occasionally and he has hid it from me for over a year.
A little back story..
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now, we started as friends and the relationship just started to develop as we spent more time together. He is in AA, over 2 years now and he told me before we got serious that he was because he wanted everything on the table. From then on when it comes to talking about his past, I have let him come to me with his story and experience when he is ready and he has been sharing more and more with me over the time we have been together.
Farther into my backstory I was with a guy for over 8 years and he kept things from me often and anytime I found out or a friend slipped he shamed me for being nosey. I never felt like I could fully trust him. He was unfortunately very manipulative and had a lot of qualities that lean toward being a narcissist. So from my past I have a hard hard time trusting and opening up..
Back to present, this guy has made me feel so safe over our times together and he has always been so open and encouraging for me to find myself again.. He talks about honesty and openness from being in the program.. He has been a huge part of building my trust again and now, I know that this is a small thing, but I feel lied to because he hid this from me for so long.
Am I wrong? Anyone have some insight for me?
@goldenSkies1957
So This new BF has been slowing opening up about his past with alcohol and such and did not divulge his occasional vaping thing. I can understand you are sensitive to someone holding back or not telling you something based on past but is this a deal breaker for you?
Is it about the did not tell you or a dislike of vaping in general? It is obvious he has learned about opening up in the program because few people with alcohol abuse did not hide things from others in their life.... have you asked or talked with him about why he did not tell you.....
Some will not tell things they are not proud of or something they may be working to quit. if you tell someone and they feel no big deal some may find a reason to keep doing it or perhaps he felt you would not approve.... there is a reason.
Thank you for your post, it really honestly helped me take a step back, breath and focus my thoughts and process my emotions better. Honestly I was worried it was going to be a deal breaker, but the more I think about it, the vaping itself is not what bothered me. It was him hiding it from me the way he did when he talked about being open and honest about things and speaking about how he doesn’t get how people can stop drinking but choose another addictive substance, which he was technically doing..
It took me a little to step back and try to see the other side of things, how he could feel about it and why it started. I do think there was a lot of shame around it and that is why he kept it to himself. We talked a bit once he got home from work and he did say he has shame around a bunch of his choices and that part of his life and it’s a crutch he’s been using when things get really stressful.
I am still hurt about the lying but I understand now why he kept it to himself and I appreciate him sharing more with me about his story. I try to learn more about the program when I can because I want to have a better understanding of that part of his life. I think he was worried I wouldn’t be okay with it because I did have issues with my ex hiding smoking from me when I was with him.