Toxic relationship or am I just overreacting?
Me (20M) and my girlfriend (18F) started dating last summer and things were great at first. Lately, there have been ongoing issues involving my close relationship with my cousin (20F), who is basically like a sibling to me.
My girlfriend often feels uncomfortable about how close we are. She calls it “weird,” makes incest jokes, and gets jealous in situations involving her. For example, my cousin once invited me to a movie, and my girlfriend said she felt like a “second option.” I offered for her to come, but she refused, so I canceled the plans with my cousin to avoid conflict.
She has brought up breaking up over this before, saying my relationship with my cousin is too stressful for her and that she can’t focus on school because of it.
She has also insulted me because I acted “goofy” in front of MY family, saying I act “like an autistic” and that I don’t “use my brain cells,” though she later says she’s joking. She’s also compared me to her brother, saying he is more hardworking and I’m lazy, also ending it with “I’m joking, I love you don’t be mad”
She did meet my cousin once and they seemed fine at first, but afterward she criticized her personality and called her fat. Even after I asked her to stop, she still brings up the movie situation about once a month and says nasty stuff about my cousin and asking me how can I be so close to her
We do have fun and good moments together, she cares about me and always says that she loves me but I can’t forget her hurtful comments and I’m starting to feel stuck and unsure whether this is something I should continue trying to fix or if it’s better to end the relationship :/
@littlePineapple6138
It's a dubious situation. While she may be joking about your cousin, their has to be some truth in her jokes.. you'll have to decide what you value most and press forward with your life.
Take care🌟
@littlePineapple6138 From what you described, it sounds like the biggest issue isn't your cousin, it's the lack of trust and respect in the relationship. It's okay for a partner to have insecurities, but repeatedly insulting you, making jokes at your expense, and speaking badly about your family after you've asked her to stop isn't healthy. The good moments matter, but so do the hurtful ones. If you've already tried to reassure her and the same problems keep coming up, it may be worth asking yourself whether this relationship is bringing you more happiness or more stress.
@littlePineapple6138
I think her "Joking " is petty and cruel. when people show you who they are believe them. She is very young so most likely very immature but why waste your time with someone who hides her real opinions by claiming all she says was a joke...
jokes are supposed to be funny if you're not laughing it is not OK.
@littlePineapple6138,
she is overreacting. The way she treats you doesn't show confidence, respect and emotional maturity on her side . You should ask yourself whether this is what you want.
Her words sound like they've been very hurtful. I'm glad you're noticing these patterns before they can grow into something worse. When we hear negative things over and over, they can start to change our perspectives and beliefs. I caution you from allowing your girlfriend to keep speaking to you and about your cousin so rudely. It can later become issues with self-worth for you and distance/isolation from your cousin/family.
It sounds like she has already come between you and your cousin in several situations. I encourage you to ask yourself: is having my girlfriend worth losing/becoming distant from family I care about? Up front, your girlfriend is out of line with her jealousy and rudeness, but the right answer for you is ultimately yours to discover.
At the very least, I encourage you to have a conversation woth your girlfriend and place/enforce sturdy boundaries in your relationship. Things such as "I am no longer going to stand for you talking down to me or my family or asking me to distance myself from my cousin." These boundaries must come with consequences that make sense for you. When she crosses those lines, how do you feel? What do you need? If you need space/time, then that's the consequence: "If/when you cross this boundary, I'll need space from you to process how I feel."
If you choose to do this, ask yourself: how many times am I willing to let my girlfriend cross these boundaries before I decide this relationship isn't right for me? And once you decide on a number, honor it.
Please take care of yourself. There are a lot of toxic people out here who influence and manipulate good people, ultimately wounding them to the point where they develop their own toxic traits. A healthy partner does not isolate you from family or insult you.
Wishing you the best,
M
I agree with everyone else's sentiments. It is amazing how many people directly insult and mean it and hide behind "just joking" to avoid a severe backlash furious response.
If you did it to her, she'd be incredibly upset, so why is it acceptable for her to disrespect you?
Relationships are full of ups and downs but the one thing that should not be happening on an ongoing level is to be made to feel bad and upset.
Be strong and know you deserve support, not criticisms.
@littlePineapple6138 You're confused, yes, it's understandable. Girls' world is different than boys'. Really hard to connect both. What did she treat you before and after your cousin became involved in your relationship?
She was fine at first but when she saw that we actually are really close she became jealous and stressed. When I set boundaries about how she talks about my cousin she can get quite mad and will continue to insult. The situation is a bit on a cooldown now and hasn’t been any jealous lately but I fear she will start again.
