Trying to rebuild trust after cheating — how do you have the hard conversations?
So, me and my girfriend were together for nearly five years, and the last year was really tough on us. I feel like we both got too comfortable, and our relationship suffered because of it. The intimacy between us kind of faded, and we were both unable to communicate about it.
But then I started noticing that she was acting differently. I had been cheated on before, and it left some scars on me. I did something I’m very ashamed of — I looked through her phone and found out she had been *** with an older man. I confronted her immediately, and she told me it had been going on for about a month. After a short discussion, I left our apartment.
I came back the next day, and we had a long talk about everything. We agreed that we didn’t want things to end and that we wanted to try to salvage our relationship. We both admitted that we had felt more like roommates than a couple and that we had let things slide instead of communicating.
It’s been a month now since we agreed to try to save our relationship. We’ve talked about the issue several times, and at moments it feels like our relationship is actually getting better. I can sense that she feels guilty and that she doesn’t really want to talk about what happened, but I feel like I need those conversations in order to get some kind of closure.
I think she believes she doesn’t deserve the way I’m treating her. I never went through a phase where I was angry at her, resentful, or gave her the silent treatment. I feel like I’m trying to resolve the situation as quickly as possible — not intentionally, but simply because I love her. Paradoxically, she’s both the person who hurt me and the person who makes me feel better.
I could really use some advice on how to properly lead conversations like this, because every time I try, I later realize that I left out a lot of things I wanted to say and that I’d like to continue the conversation. At the same time, I don’t want to pressure her.
She has started going to therapy, which is a good sign for me and shows that she’s taking this seriously. What troubles me, though, is that she doesn’t really share any of it with me. I understand that she won’t tell me everything they talk about in therapy, but I would appreciate at least some basic information — for example, whether she feels the therapy is helping her, or whether she feels better overall.
@affableKitten3959
She needs to be honest and give you something.
Yes, the relationship was taken for granted.
But that wasn't any reason for her to cheat.
If she wants this to work, she needs to put in the effort and allow you to be heard and to feel reassured.
💖
@affableKitten3959
Learning to really communicate is hard I think you are aware that the feel like roommates and not addressing it was a big issue. When some couples talk, we pick our words carefully and do not say right out "I am NOT ok with things" or worse we assume they will catch a clue we are unhappy. So many bad outcomes by a partner assuming how the other person feels or thinks.
It takes real and total honesty to recover IMO. Some things may be uncomfortable to either say or hear about.
Therapy may help her understand how she feels but only if she is honest about it with herself. many people rationalize their behavior instead of owning it. I think she owes you an explanation too.
My partner made assumptions and did something stupid instead of communicating. when they were honest, I know it was something we could have prevented if we had been communicating but at the time we were not good at it. Communication skills have to be learned and developed.
@affableKitten3959,
her therapy is hers and what's being said between her and her therapist is her business.
If you're saying you want to keep bringing up what happened between her and that other person, it doesn't help her to heal and neither does it help you.
What could help is both bringing to the table what you need, what help to come closer and what doesn't help. She's willing to put in effort, while she's juggling multiple balls at the same time. If I were you, that would mean a lot to me and I'd say that too.
So just my opinion from personal experience...you are gonna have to decide what is more important, having her or your processing the infidelity, there are much worse things than your partner cheating on you, please trust me on that one....she has responsibilities in this but ultimately your acceptance and forgiveness along with more importantly your ability to put this in the past and move forward with out ever bringing it up in the future, both of you might have neglected the relationship, she cheated but you have to be able to get over it and the ability to freely trust again is the hardest part...if you can't repair yourself and truly trust her again easily your future in this relationship and any one in the future is going to be doomed with the fear of it happening again, not being harsh or cruel, im speaking from personal experience, this is a life altering event and a hard one
So just my opinion from personal experience...you are gonna have to decide what is more important, having her or your processing the infidelity, there are much worse things than your partner cheating on you, please trust me on that one....she has responsibilities in this but ultimately your acceptance and forgiveness along with more importantly your ability to put this in the past and move forward with out ever bringing it up in the future, both of you might have neglected the relationship, she cheated but you have to be able to get over it and the ability to freely trust again is the hardest part...if you can't repair yourself and truly trust her again easily your future in this relationship and any one in the future is going to be doomed with the fear of it happening again, not being harsh or cruel, im speaking from personal experience, this is a life altering event and a hard one