Why can’t I let go? Please I really need help

As the guy in the relationship, I experienced this once before. From my perspective at that time, the whole reason I had a friends with benefits [arrangement] was specifically because I didn’t want to be obligated to anyone, I didn’t want to have emotional attachment and emotional considerations to deal with, I didn’t want to have to think about relationship “issues”. It was explicitly understood between us what the situation was (as in we literally sat down and defined boundaries and I made it clear I don’t want a relationship, there would be no dates or romantic gestures, it wouldn’t be sexually exclusive, if either wanted to sleep with other partners we could totally go ahead and do that etc) and how we both felt about it. Eventually she became attached and wanted all those other things, more than just casual sex. She wanted an exclusive relationship. She was becoming emotionally attached, and it became clear to us both that it wasn’t going to be the same and could no longer work the way it had, not without her getting hurt, so we ended things. I still didn’t want a relationship, I didn’t see her as a future partner or someone “special” that I wanted to commit to. I still didnt want all those obligations that came with relationships.

So I can’t exactly speak on behalf of your partner because I don’t know exactly what is the understood arrangement between you both. You said initially that it’s “Friends with benefits” but that you both never “defined” the relationship.

It seems to me like you feel more attached to him than he is to you. That is you have expectations for his behaviour (such as emotional communication) whereas he behaves with more indifference. Your feelings are getting hurt while he seems to be more aloof and less emotionally involved. And maybe from his perspective he doesn’t consider you as his “girlfriend” exactly so he doesn’t feel he is obligated to treat you special or doesn’t feel like he owes you an explanation when you argue, because you might be coming from different places emotionally.

And you said it would be considered a “long distance relationship” if you travelled which tells me that you already do actually consider your partnership with him a “RELATIONSHIP” officially, at least in your own heart and mind. I wonder if he would actually think the same thing though?

I think you could both benefit from actually discussing the nature of your “relationship” and what your actual expectations are, in relation to how you communicate to each other, how you feel about each other, what the boundaries are, if he’s going to be seeing other people/having sex with others etc when you travel and so on. I think a lot of people make the mistake of leaving everything in a kind of vague undetermined state with their partners by “not putting a label on it” and then their feelings get hurt when unspoken boundaries are crossed, but yet no conversation was ever had about what the boundaries are.

If you think, feel, and behave like you are in an official [exclusive] relationship with him, but this whole time he just considers you only a friends with benefits f* buddy… then you both essentially see your “relationship” differently and that always leads to treating each other differently, with different expectations, and it might explain some of the arguments you have. I think your travelling just brought some of it into sharper focus.

CatsInTheCradle

Hi Mercy

I see the person who already responded to you already gave you a lot of answers. I was going to respond as an "older lady" (in my 40s) who has already been through something like this but not really advertently. Or let's say, I thought for some reason I would be ok with such an arrangement.

It turns out I was not for various reasons and the guy who I got involved with ended up playing with a lot of my emotions or feelings, and let's just say that in the end things kept happening because I wanted to keep playing and seeing where it would end, or I felt that I wanted some answer or confirmation that he would finally choose me as his partner or friend or I guess I needed some validation or even payback for the way that things went. I feel that when things are not clear, vague or spelled out it automatically ends up in an unequal situation, and of course there are people who purposely keep it that way to get what they want from you.

I am not sure, but I really feel like telling you to just let this one go

@Mercy1996

I agree with what catz has described. The whole purpose of a friends with benefits arrangement is to specifically avoid the feelings, obligations, responsibilities, emotions and expectations of a relationship.

We cannot control or change other people's choices, with time, we just learn to understand them more to make better informed decisions for ourselves.

Much strength to you.

I am sure you are a beautiful and generous loving person. You deserve so much more than this. Don't let anyone make the decision for you if you are not ok with the arrangement, you can walk away. You are getting hurt and this is not working for you. It's better to be on your own. You can find happiness elsewhere. You don't need to find happiness in a relationship that was just based on that from the start. Please think about this because I am pretty sure he sees things differently unless he does have feelings for you. But it's not fair to you if you are not ok with it. You can choose to love yourself and walk away