i need relationship advice (basically just need to know whos the toxic one in this relationship)
TW ABUSE AND SEXUAL ABUSE
so basically i just realized my partner of over a year is abusive. which obviously isn’t good and i’m planning on leaving them soon. the thing is, i’ve done some awful things, i cheated once (on their DID alter), i talked shit about them to their best friend behind their back, threatened to commit suicide or stalk them if they left, and once i had phone sex with them while they were drunk because i felt pressured into it.
every time i try and bring up how my partner makes me feel bad *gently* they blow up and list off every bad thing i’ve ever done. i’ve apologized countless times and take full responsibilty for my actions, i understand they don’t have to forgive me and that they’re allowed to be mad at me.
the thing is that they never ever apologize for the bad things they’ve done to me, and today they told me straight up that they won’t apologize because the abuse and anger they give me ‘is justified’.
i guess i’m just confused, i don’t know if theyre the abuser or if i’m the abuser or we both are.
TLDR: me and my partner have both done awful, even abusive things fo each other. i can admit all the things i’ve done wrong, apologize, and genuinely try to change for the better. they won’t admit their mistakes, they invalidate my feelings, and shift all the blame on me.
also they have BPD and ive been told theres a small chance i may too, which makes everything more complicated lol
I want some one to talk with
@Athonio47
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@angelite999
Hi, thanks for sharing and I'm sorry that you're in that situation. 💜
From what you've said, you've done some things to your partner in the past that you definitely aren't proud of (e.g. cheating, talking about them behind their back, threatening suicide/stalking if they leave, pressuring them into phone sex while they were drunk). You're aware that these weren't good things to do, you've apologized for them, and you're understanding of the fact that your partner might still feel hurt/angry about those actions.
At the same time though, they've been pretty abusive to you as well. A difference is that they haven't stopped doing it, taken responsibility for the fact that they are doing it, apologized for it, or indicated that they have any intention of stopping. On the contrary, they seem to feel like they are justified in doing it or have a right to do it -- as a sort of vengeance or payback for your actions.
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It sounds like both of you have done things that aren't very helpful: past behavior in your case, and present behavior in their case. Regardless of who is at fault, the current situation sounds really unhappy and unhealthy for both of you. It hurts you to be on the receiving end of abusive behavior. And i imagine it hurts them a lot to constantly be around someone who makes them angry and triggers these bursts of rage.
My personal reaction is that regardless of your past actions, you have a right to be in a relationship where you can feel reasonably safe and have your boundaries respected. You've committed to changing your own behaviors in ways that will minimize the harm you're doing, which is great. You aren't obligated to put yourself into a situation where you're going to be repeatedly abused. If the conflict between the two of you is so significant or he has such a grudge that it can't be worked through and resolved in a healthy way that will eventually allow the two of you to have a mutually supportive relationship, then perhaps it may end up being for the best for one of you to end the relationship.