is it selfish to stay with my bf so that I'm not alone and that I have someone to do things with?
I used to not have anyone reliable in my life. I DO have friends but they're too busy with their partners, careers, or graduate programs to commit and hang out with me. My now bf who started out as my friend and I have been dating for 3 weeks now, and he's VERY reliable, which I like. He's very thoughtful and always wants to hang out with me and he initiates plans/dates (which is refreshing to me since I'm usually the planner in all my friend groups). It's been nice in these ways, but at the same time, there are some things about him I'm not sure about.
He's pretty clingy, has lovebombing tendencies, and has a low self-esteem. He asks me to hang out WAY more often than I ask him, and he gives me gifts frequently. He asked me once "are you okay with dating me even though I don't have any dreams or passions?" I reluctantly said "yea" even though I'd prefer to date someone with passions as I am a very passionate person myself. Only ONE WEEK into dating, he asked me if we could be together forever, and in response, I told him I was thinking of "long-term" more than "forever." I told him later that him asking me if we could be together FOREVER stressed me out and made me feel pressured to stay in the relationship with him, which he understand and said he wouldn't say again. He makes himself out to be a "loser" which I don't believe is true, and he says and does things sometimes that make me feel "trapped" in the relationship. I do feel comfortable talking about things like this that bother me and he DOES listen and put in effort to change, but it's very frequent that we have these conversations (though maybe it's because we haven't been dating for very long). He's also been going to therapy and told me he's been talking to his therapist about relationship stuff. I think one reason why he acts like the way he does is because the last relationship he was in was over 10 years ago and it was incredibly abusive and toxic. Thus, by comparison, I am the healthiest person he's ever dated so i think he feels overly attached and likes me WAY more than I like him as a result.
Part of me feels like something is missing and wants to end things, part of me wants to see things through as he's demonstrated that he listens and is open to change, but I'd like some insight and outside perspectives on my situation.
@lavenderApricot7156,
in a healthy relationship, you give one another space. You don't cling to the other. You should feel comfortable, safe, able to be YOU, accepted.
I think quite a few people enter a relationship because they don't want to be alone. And sell out. Sooner or later the relationship will end.
You can't fill someone's else's holes and needs and wishes, neither can you yours by entering a relationship.
@lavenderApricot7156
I think several people do this and find sooner or later the something missing will become something you can no longer ignore....
it will be the thing that makes you respond to what should be tiny minor things but they bother you like nails on a chalkboard.... ending it before you get too deep is better then pretending then haveing to explain you just wanted and like the comfort level.
Yes, it is very selfish to be with someone who you genuinely do not want to be with…. Because you definitely sound like you don’t want to be him. He sounds like he overwhelms you but has fnice qualities. You settle because he’s convenient, consistent and available but on the other hand…he’s clingy, lacks confidence and annoys you. Write down your pros and cons and take it from there.
P.S. He doesn’t trap you…you choose to stay.