Accepting that she manipulated me
After 8 years of having what appeared to be a close "Friendship," she broke things off with me abruptly by kicking me while I was down. When I mean down, I was looking for work at the time. After trying to meet with her a year and a half later, we said some ugly things to me. This included letting me know that she was just "Using me" because she was lonely while lying to me about who she was. Further on, she revealed to me in so many that she didn't really like me.
Flash forward, it's been nearly 4 years since I met with her and saw her true colors which left me in tears post our meeting and lots of anger since. I am learning to accept it that she was not a true friend. In fact, she was not a friend at all because there were problems during our friendship
1. She insecure and was very jealous of me. Then when she got what she wanted, she would do her best to make me covet those things. It was also not okay for me to be jealous of her
2. She was hurting in her past and liked to play the victim.
3. She isolated me from her friends and family by insisting that they had this or that problem with me
4. She did humiliating things
5. The friendship was one-sided
6. She didn't appreciate the parties that I invited her to though she put on a fake smile
7. She fake smiled in just about every picture I took of her. There were several pictures that also proved she was jealous of me
8.I had to walk on eggshells around her
9. She stabbed me in the back more than once
So I have to accept it that she not only manipulated me by pretending to be my friend until she got married but that she was toxic. It's hard because she looked sweet and innocent. Believe me, I am angry with her for this.
@Summershy all you can do is move on and try to find better friends
@kitkat34567 Like learning to accept that she offered me a toxic friendship, I have learned to accept that she has not been a part of my life for the last 5 years. Rather, I have been reaching out and talking to people in my life today. That said, I am still haunted and maybe a little traumatized by the stunts that she did pull on me. Sometimes, I am fine that she is not there and enjoy my own space. While others, I feel angry. What I have learned is that these feelings come in waves. On top of that, I am still grieving over that relationship because we were together for a long time along with being very close.
What am I doing to better myself?
1. Keeping a journal
2. Talking to my counselor about this
3. I am trying a thing called mirror therapy where I ask myself in the mirror "You want to be friends?" I got this from aTED talk called 8 signs of a toxic friendship
4. When I get angry I use meditation and mindfulness
5. Sometimes, I write letters that never get sent.
@Summershy i am sure you will be ok over time
@kitkat34567 It's getting better but sometimes I am haunted by this toxic friendship. However, I listened to an excellent TED talk about toxic relationships and the speaker said that being in a relationship like that is like taking a bullet to your brain. Yet, if it is not removed right away, there can be problems later on. So, I have a bullet in my brain that I am trying to get out so I don't have issues later on.
@Summershy i know the feeling ive had to let go of friendship i was best friends with this person for like 8 years or so and i just out grew that friendship she wasn't really that good of a friend i just out grew her
@kitkat34567 some people say we just outgrew each other and maybe that's the truth. Though I felt like she dumped me out of the blue, really, I started seeing signs of our friendship breaking up. While I am mad at her for rejecting me and treating me like that, I am angry with her which often comes in waves. I am honestly trying to keep myself from lashing out at her and harassing her about how she is such a jerk who hurt my really bad. Instead I am...
1, Using a stress ball or two that I squeeze when I am angry
2. Mindfulness and meditation
3. Keeping a journal
4. Talking to my counselor about her
5. Using mirror therapy
6. Using positive affirmations
@Summershy its so hard not having friends but if you're ever in Ireland hit me up 😂👏👏
@kitkat34567 I have an update on this "Friend" and she finally sent me a card and a letter 3 months later. She sent a sympathy card and talked about my aunt. She also said how "Sorry" for was for mistreating me and just because she had a bad childhood it was no excuse for what she did. Then she poured out how she had been living in self-pity and decided to help people by pursuing a dream to create this center for disabled people. This was before touching on how she found out that I ended up in a job where I want to be and hopes I continue to pursue that. That said, she put it in the letter that she doesn't look to be friends again due to the feeling that the relationship is unhealthy. Yet, she said that she is willing to make peace with me by being polite to each other in public.
I don't feel her letter is sincere and nor do I really think she is sorry. Rather I think she just wants to one-up me with her grandiose and arrogant idea.
@Summershy i would move on then
I can relate to you. I too lost many friends in my life. Thing is I was vulnerable and people either took advantage of it or offered sympathy as friendship when they really don't care. People don't realise how much hurt they are causing others and what effect it has on them . And most likely they won't realize it until they themselves go through the same. It takes people an experience through the pain to realize what pain does to a person and appreciate the value of empathy and true friendship.
@courteousLand
She was phony for sure because when we were friends, my late aunt reached out and spent a lot of money on her clothes because she needed them. Come 5 years after our falling out, I reached out and told her and it didn't phase her. Yet, if one of her other family members died, she would have been screaming for support. Anyway, I confronted her recently and asking why she could not have sent me a card and for an apology while giving her my phone number. Yet she didn't bother responding. She responded by electing to either block my email or elect to change her email so I can't bother her anymore.
I know this because I am still working through the rejection because what she did and how she did was painful. I wrote her another email today about how I seemed to be the brunt of her rejection. That's when they bounced back. So I have decided that if she is going to act cowardly like that then I am not interested.
@Summershy she seems pretty rude. Why do you have to put up with it? Let her go as she doesn't deserve you. Spare yourself further pain by holding on to this friendship. I hope you find good friends from now on.
@courteousLand
Correction, she's a snob a phony and no, I had no desire to rekindle that friendship really because she doesn't have anything that I want. Rather, I was reaching out to let her know that my aunt had died by leaving the ball in her court. When I saw her lack of consideration, it showed me how much she really cared about me and her. We had not spoken in nearly 4 years which was why she cut me from her life in which she said some pretty mean things that I have not been able to forget which were hurtful.
I had a chance to work through this last wave of anger and get through it pretty much got through it in a few days. What I found is that I was able to work through the anger and dig some other things up.
1. My anger towards her didn't start when I was rejected, it began prior to that when I kept getting upset with her for not being a supportive friend and repeatedly pushing my buttons.
2. I was the brunt of some personal issues that she faced growing up because I reminded her of her past.
3. She hates me because for the following reasons that make her feel insecure
A. I am sure of myself
B. I have talents that she lacks
C. I am also thin and attractive while she has battled with obesity
D. I have high self-esteem
However, I have to realize that it's her problem and something that she probably would be better handled by a trained professional. At the same time, she needs to take responsibility and realize that she has a problem. Until then, she is going to continue hating me.
Meanwhile, me too. However, I am going to be more picky about who I choose for friends and maybe make more observations of how they treat others before I commit.
@courteousLand
She is very insecure and jealous of me and whenever she gets anything, she enjoys using them as trophies to bonk me over the head with. She is a very self-absorbed person.
@Summershy
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
After 8 years of having what appeared to be a close "Friendship," she broke things off with me abruptly by kicking me while I was down. (Thats awful of her to do, this indicates the kind of person she is) When I mean down, I was looking for work at the time. After trying to meet with her a year and a half later, we said some ugly things to me. This included letting me know that she was just "Using me" because she was lonely while lying to me about who she was. (This definetly must had come as shock to know all the things she told you, i would have definetly feel really hurt hearing these words from someone whos important. This does shows she only cares about herself, and has insecurities about who she is as a person) Further on, she revealed to me in so many that she didn't really like me.
Flash forward, it's been nearly 4 years since I met with her and saw her true colors which left me in tears post our meeting and lots of anger since. (This is actually normal to go through, its like the truth being uncovered before your eyes after all this time. Its never easy to go through this, specially when you believed she was a great friend at first. Its okay you felt anger and other emotions at the time) I am learning to accept it that she was not a true friend. (its okay, this is a process. Everyone's healing is different, so through reflection and understanding you made the first step) In fact, she was not a friend at all because there were problems during our friendship
1. She insecure and was very jealous of me. Then when she got what she wanted, she would do her best to make me covet those things. It was also not okay for me to be jealous of her. (This sounds like uncompromising rules or unreasonable expectation she had of you. This is where she could feel all emotions and for her they were okay, but they were minimized if you felt them. Its really stressful being around people like this)
2. She was hurting in her past and liked to play the victim. (Hurt people hurt other people, so often she would blame you for things, project on you, distort reality, minimize how you felt and other things. You definetly didn't deserve to go through any of this)
3. She isolated me from her friends and family by insisting that they had this or that problem with me. (This probably means she kept you at bay from her inner circle for whatever reason)
4. She did humiliating things
5. The friendship was one-sided. (This is one of the most draining and hurtful things to go through, where the other person is so focus on themeselves and not paying attention to how other feels)
6. She didn't appreciate the parties that I invited her to though she put on a fake smile. (Thats awful...you invinited her to make her feel welcome and spend time with her while she behave in that manner. Its just not fair on you, and it must had really hurt you)
7. She fake smiled in just about every picture I took of her. There were several pictures that also proved she was jealous of me
8.I had to walk on eggshells around her. (This is also one of the most scary and hurtful things to go through as well, this uncomfortable feelings in the chest where in taking actions feels like you are in danger. You must had go through so much pain and sadness with her, im glad shes not a part of your life)
9. She stabbed me in the back more than once. (This is really hurtful, you were there for her and you didn't deserve the way she stabbed you like this)
So I have to accept it that she not only manipulated me by pretending to be my friend until she got married but that she was toxic. (Acceptance will free you at some point, but to get to that points it involves hurt, anger and sadness because you used to hold her dear to you, and its definetly heartbreaking finding out she actually toxic) It's hard because she looked sweet and innocent. (It's definetly confusing because looking back she was different, and now it shows her real identity. Its definetly hard, and they are moments where everything feels so off and confusing, but remember her behavior its not a reflection of you as a person, but rather her as a person) Believe me, I am angry with her for this. (It's okay to feel angry, hurt, sadness and other emotions after what you experienced with her. It's awful what she put you through, and honestly it wasn't fair on you. I did read your recent thread, and theres a high chance she is trying to hoover you back with sweet words. I read it and it just felt off to me because of how she worded everything. You have to choose whats best for you, what will you do?)
@freshLight64
When I first read the letter, I thought "Maybe she wants to be friends again but I am not ready." Then I read further down and I realize that she was just teasing me by using the apology and the card as bait so she could hook me in. Especially when she said that she wrote at the end that it's not a good idea to be friends due to things being unhealthy. I shared her letter with a good friend and she was honestly fooled too until I read the whole letter to her.
She thinks that this woman wants to use me make connections because of some of the important people who I know so she can climb up the social latter with her community rec center. As for what I did, I called her and left a couple of voice mails and called her out. I also sent her a message via Facebook,.I said, "Nice try but I don't think that was a real apology and that she is a selfish, arrogant and narcissistic woman. I am staying away from him and not going to even be polite to her. She's a snake
@Summershy
When I first read the letter, I thought "Maybe she wants to be friends again but I am not ready." Then I read further down and I realize that she was just teasing me by using the apology and the card as bait so she could hook me in. (There's a high chance she was doing something like this, the whole letter felt way off to me when i read it. I couldn't explain it, but something wasn't right) Especially when she said that she wrote at the end that it's not a good idea to be friends due to things being unhealthy. (You didn't even respond before this, or even asked to be friends and she voluntarily tells you "Its not a good idea to be friends"...This behavior is entittled and very self-centered...its almost as she thought so highly of her that you would ask her to be friends) I shared her letter with a good friend and she was honestly fooled too until I read the whole letter to her.
She thinks that this woman wants to use me make connections because of some of the important people who I know so she can climb up the social latter with her community rec center. (There's a high chance is like that, she comes across as narcissistic) As for what I did, I called her and left a couple of voice mails and called her out. I also sent her a message via Facebook,.I said, "Nice try but I don't think that was a real apology and that she is a selfish, arrogant and narcissistic woman. (If thats what you told her then thats okay, what I'm really concern is how the anger and hurt is still there. I was able to sense your hurt and anger when you sent her, its important to work on that for the meantime, but im proud of you for staying away from her for good) I am staying away from him and not going to even be polite to her. She's a snake
@freshLight64
First of all, she had the nerve to contact me three months after I confronted her, which is only 4 months since my aunt's death. Second, she thought she could pull the wool over my eyes by making it seem like she was sorry for what she did to me and sad that my aunt had passed. Then I find out she was just dangling our friendship with a carrot on a string.
"I'm sorry this time really do mean it and I want to your friend?(Pulls carrot away). Psych, ha ha I fooled you. Not going to happen, you know this relationship is really bad for us. But you are welcome to be cordial with me and vice versa. Have a nice life."
It also reminds me of someone who would appear to give a person a ballon by saying nice things while holding the ballon. Yet, they have a needle or a thumb tack which they are hiding. "Want it? (Pops balloon in person's face). Too bad.:
I personally think this woman is a sociopath because she is very manipulative, she is grandiose, she lies all the time.
@Summershy
I'm on your side, it's definetly valid and normal how you feel about this situation. She did not deserve to treat you this way, and then comeback as if nothing ever happened the two of you. The anger you feel torwards her its normal, however this anger its definetly starting to do more harm than good on you. I'm not trying to dismiss how you feel in any way because I have been in your shoes before, and at times its tough what you are going through. She will never be a part of your life (its definetly the correct choice), but the question is, how are you going to forgive yourself from what happened? and how can the anger and hurt can subside where you can use this to learn from this experience?
@freshLight64
Yes, I feel angry but it's not the raging anger that it was before but rather righteous anger that she is making a fool out of herself by doing this.
Forgiving myself - I put the ball in her court by telling her about my aunt and also asking her to apologize in which I did my part. That said, I am accepting her for who she is in that she is a jerk and I don't think she is ever going to stop. What I can go now is focus on me,
@Summershy
Yes, I feel angry but it's not the raging anger that it was before but rather righteous anger that she is making a fool out of herself by doing this. (This could be true, and also theres a chance she is seeing it differently than you. I do feel she is not thinking how this would make you feel after what happened last time.)
Forgiving myself - I put the ball in her court by telling her about my aunt and also asking her to apologize in which I did my part. (Apology needs to come from her because if its being asked, then its not going to be a genuine apology. You definetly did good, and it probably feels like a weight off your shoulders after these past couple of months) That said, I am accepting her for who she is in that she is a jerk and I don't think she is ever going to stop. (This is a great first step in healing, you are admitting that her behavior its not a reflection of you or anything you did, but rather its how she is. I'm glad you have come into terms with this and not beating yourself up) What I can go now is focus on me, (This is in an indication they probably made you feel guilty or selfish for doing things you wanted or for wanting to to do certain, so now this makes you unsure on how to put focus on yourself. Based on what i read about the friend you had with her, I can tell you grew up with the pleaser mindset and now its tough to focus on your own needs. The most important things are; Acknowledging your feelings, Non judgemental about your feelings, Aceepting your feelings, Self compassion (such as what would you say to a friend who is going through what you are going through), and the others one are; Doing things you enjoy doing such as hobbies while always acknowleding how you feel etc and being self compassionate towards yourself)
@freshLight64 you need to remember first and foremost that you need to put your feelings first a lot of the things in your post sound uncomfortable and over time could really mentally damage you as the friendship isn't healthy believe me when I say the best thing to do is keep a distance look after you :)
@Skylerrosejulie93
I am now working through this with a counselor and doing what I can to distract myself, I was recently starting to let go when I got that letter and it got me upset.
@freshLight64
Actually, I don't feel any guilt at all and especially for every time I got mad at her because she's a brat. I am certainly not going to give into her demands regarding this rec center because she is being grandiose and arrogant.
@Summershy sorry my reply below was meant for you accidently just replied to the last personwho posted x