Did I do something wrong here? (Help)
So I met this woman about 5 months ago on Twitter (as part of a shared community that many people discuss baseball). I started following her account and commenting on some of her posts, she the same for mine. We kind of clicked due to us living in the same state and only being like 3 hours apart. We started talking almost every day which then turned into every day. Exchanged phone #'s so the convos left Twitter and went to text. Followed each other's ***. About 2 months ago, we met up once at baseball game and hung out. Continued talking pretty much every day about something. Convos were definitely getting deeper and much more personal. I felt like we were really vibing and admittedly started to catch some feelings. A few weeks ago, our shared favorite team was playing in the city she lives by. She already had tickets and was going to the games by herself. So I suggested that I'd come down for the weekend and hang out with her and she was all about it. I got myself a hotel room, I bought myself tickets for the Saturday-Sunday games. So we spent pretty much the entire weekend together. We sat next to each other at both games. Hung out, drank together, had so much fun, talked about so many different things. Saturday night we also hung out and went to a casino together. Before I left Sunday night, I mentioned to her that I really liked her. That I was glad we were friends but also wanted to find ways we could spend more time together hanging out and continuing to get to know each other, because I was definitely interested and thought she was great. We discussed hanging out again in a few weeks and made tentative plans to meet at another baseball game (which would have been this weekend). She was very receptive and expressed interest in everything. We also we both enjoyed the weekend and she said she had a lot of fun hanging out together
So I was quite excited about how everything went. While on my 3 hr drive home I decided I wanted to do something nice for her just to show her how I felt. I decided to send her flowers as a surprise the next day. Now....I *did* know her street/building address. She gave this to me over the weekend because we met at her place on Sunday before taking one car to the game together. I *did not* know her apartment #. However, knowing her full name and physical address all I did was go to White Pages to enter that info and got her apt #. Took me all of 5 seconds to do. Just no different then looking up someone in a phone book where you see their name/address/#. So I ordered the flowers and sent them. Got the delivery notification and waited for the response excitedly. She responded....and it was not good. Told me while she understands that was suppose to be a nice gesture, it made her feel uncomfortable. The fact that I got her apt # without asking her or her telling me was "scary" and that "this wasn't going to work for her". I explained myself and my thought process behind sending the flowers, that I got her full address from White Pages since I already knew her building/street address and apologized if I made her feel uncomfortable/scared. That it came from a place of good intentions and I would never do anything to hurt her that way. She pretty much came back with "I am no longer willing to hang out with you because of the lack of respect to my privacy" I texted back one more time apologizing again and asking her to reconsider the friendship and she came back one more time with "that is not an option for me because of the boundary thats been crossed. Thanks for your apology". And thats pretty much how it ended. There's been no contact since.
I've asked a bunch of friends and my therapist (both male and female) about this and all of them said pretty much the same thing....that I did nothing wrong but could understand why she might feel uncomfortable, but that even if she did it could at worst merit a discussion about boundaries. Not an immediate "friendship over" response. They all felt that was extremely harsh. Curious to get some opinions here? The way I see it, is that we had built up a very solid rapport over the last 3-4 months, a trust level, comfort level etc. At the very least I felt like we were becoming very good friends regardless of me also catching some feelings. We did just spend a whole weekend together. We vibed, had fun, I told her I liked her, she was receptive. Felt like to me we knew each other pretty well. Also I KNEW HER STREET AND BUILDING ADDRESS already since I met her at her building on Sunday already. So I really don't see looking up her apartment # on White Pages (which anybody can do in 5 seconds) as some huge violation of privacy. Just to send her a bouquet of flowers? Am I missing something here? It sucks I feel like I got punished here for simply trying to do something nice for someone I liked and cared about. I guess lesson learned going forward, I will never do this again. But it just bothers me a lot because I really feel like I did nothing inappropriate. I could understand this more if I was literally someone she just met or maybe talked to a few times over the span of a couple of weeks. For me though, talking as much as we had over a several month period, that we had gotten to know each other well enough that we exchanged many personal stories/info, that we just spent a whole weekend together, that I was physically at her apartment building....that simply looking up her apartment # seemed like no big deal. Like I would have thought she knew me well enough and built up enough comfort that this wouldnt be an issue. I mean to me you wouldnt hang out with a guy 1 on 1 for two whole days if you didnt trust him on some level. Nor ride in a car with him alone, nor give him your street address. I guess I completely misread this?
I'm trying to decide if I should reach out to her one more time to see if she'd be open to at least talking. With maybe the hope of possibly repairing the friendship. I have no closure and feel like I have things left unsaid. In the few weeks since its happened I still her miss her alot and think about her often. She had become such a daily presence in my life and now thats completely gone. And it was taken away it a very abrupt manner in which I kind of feel like my character and integrity were judged harshly.
@MLasowski81
I do not think you have done anything wrong .... perhaps she was freaked out that it was so easy just by street address and building to do that .... i think many people are NOT comfortable with how much info can be found on a simple search....
if someone was freaked perhaps she had a previous situation or person she is hiding from and your finding the apt # shattered her ( perhaps naive) sense of security. I think there are other factors to it.
You could reach out and again state your intention was pure and as you said i think she feels that way perhaps she will relax a bit or share why it freaked her out.
My guess is that she had a bad experience in the past. Sometimes the smallest things can trigger someone off if they've been through some seriously bad stuff. While I do believe the way it ended was harsh, at least she gave you some closure and didn't ghost you. Ghosters are the worst!
@MLasowski81,
like others said, you did not do anything wrong.
I recognize a lot in her reaction based on experiences I had with my soon to be ex wife.
You just came too close for her and might have opened old wounds in her. Unfortunately when that happens with someone that someone can't distinguish between you and previous experiences.
It also means that someone like that will always be cautious and be on guard.
It's not you, it's not her, it's likely what was done to her in the past.
I'm not gonna say you're better off without her as I do find that a shallow statement. But it saves you from a h e l l of a ride, trust me, I've been there and yes, my love for my wife has never wavered. Some people find a way to heal from past experienced (as in, live with it as trauma can't be fixed, reso1l1ved, dissolved). And some can't, for whatever reason.
She has made it clear she wants you to leave her alone. Respect that, is all you can do. And, she is missing out on a great guy, and that is not her fault, unfortunately.
Shes not for.you, theres someone better
I can see where she's coming from, while you did have her adress and street that was information she gave to you willingly and was comfortable sharing. When you looked up her apartment number it probably made her feel uncomfortable that her boundary was crossed. She also probably saw it as a red flag for a future relationship, like if this person can cross that boundary now they will probably do it again.
Also keep in mind To her you're still a stranger she met on the internet and the world is just so scary for women now a days it's hard to just let any kind of potential red flag go unnoticed.
I think you had the best of intentions, and it was sweet to send flowers, but she most likely felt it was a safety issue to continue the relationship. Hope that adds a new perspective
"If you are willing to look at another person's behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all" -Yogi Bhajan
@MLasowski81
I'm sorry that this situation occurred, however, she has a right to respond in any way that she seems appropriate and she has clearly stated her issue with what occurred and her wishes in moving forward.
While you may have good intentions, isn't it also right to consider that she is not punishing you but expressing her discomfort? Please respectfully leave her to her choice and move ahead.
What I'm guessing happened is that she was purposely keeping her apartment number private, since she wasn't ready to invite you into her apartment yet. And the fact that you managed to look it up anyway threw her off. That's my guess.
@MLasowski81 As a woman myself even if we like someone ( we ended up dating for 3 or 4 years) whom we may not have known a long time and then the guy does something that catches us off guard, sometimes it can be overwhelming and our minds freak out and come up with reasons as to why something can't go any further. I say this because I've been in a similar situation with someone that was a mutual friend, we met online over a game, feelings developed and then the second he made a move my guard went up cause I was like omg I dont know what to do. this isn't right. yada yada. so for me I can understand where she's coming from in terms of. I mean if she didn't want to hang out with you cause she felt uncomfortable since you're stranger...I honestly don't think she would've invited you for a whole weekend, gotten into your car ( I didn't even want to get into the same car with this guy that I liked lol). I say let her reach out to you if she wants to and if she doesn't and its been 2 or 3 months then I'd say leave the situation alone and find someone else. we can't make someone talk to us but we can give them space and give them the open door to reach out to us. the ball is in her court. if she wants to toss you that ball she will. if not. well at least you tried. idk hope that helps
@chipandale33 I can't edit what I wrote but the we dated for 3 or 4 years is in the wrong spot 🤦♀️
@MLasowski81
Hi, yeah i do believe you did nothing wrong. Your gesture was very sweet and sincere. I mean not many guys even send flowers anymore. Especially to a a friend.
And yes, she did trust you, she lets you in her house. She agreed to meet you in person and hang out over the weekend. Trust is definitely there.
Though she may have some trust issues at some point. Well for a woman's point of view, I'd say give her time time. Let things cool off even more.
But if you can't stand missing her, just a light text message will do. If she truly values you even just as a friend, she won't ignore your text message. :)
Good luck, hope everything works well. Your a very nice guy. :)
