Did I do something wrong here? (Help)
So I met this woman about 5 months ago on Twitter (as part of a shared community that many people discuss baseball). I started following her account and commenting on some of her posts, she the same for mine. We kind of clicked due to us living in the same state and only being like 3 hours apart. We started talking almost every day which then turned into every day. Exchanged phone #'s so the convos left Twitter and went to text. Followed each other's ***. About 2 months ago, we met up once at baseball game and hung out. Continued talking pretty much every day about something. Convos were definitely getting deeper and much more personal. I felt like we were really vibing and admittedly started to catch some feelings. A few weeks ago, our shared favorite team was playing in the city she lives by. She already had tickets and was going to the games by herself. So I suggested that I'd come down for the weekend and hang out with her and she was all about it. I got myself a hotel room, I bought myself tickets for the Saturday-Sunday games. So we spent pretty much the entire weekend together. We sat next to each other at both games. Hung out, drank together, had so much fun, talked about so many different things. Saturday night we also hung out and went to a casino together. Before I left Sunday night, I mentioned to her that I really liked her. That I was glad we were friends but also wanted to find ways we could spend more time together hanging out and continuing to get to know each other, because I was definitely interested and thought she was great. We discussed hanging out again in a few weeks and made tentative plans to meet at another baseball game (which would have been this weekend). She was very receptive and expressed interest in everything. We also we both enjoyed the weekend and she said she had a lot of fun hanging out together
So I was quite excited about how everything went. While on my 3 hr drive home I decided I wanted to do something nice for her just to show her how I felt. I decided to send her flowers as a surprise the next day. Now....I *did* know her street/building address. She gave this to me over the weekend because we met at her place on Sunday before taking one car to the game together. I *did not* know her apartment #. However, knowing her full name and physical address all I did was go to White Pages to enter that info and got her apt #. Took me all of 5 seconds to do. Just no different then looking up someone in a phone book where you see their name/address/#. So I ordered the flowers and sent them. Got the delivery notification and waited for the response excitedly. She responded....and it was not good. Told me while she understands that was suppose to be a nice gesture, it made her feel uncomfortable. The fact that I got her apt # without asking her or her telling me was "scary" and that "this wasn't going to work for her". I explained myself and my thought process behind sending the flowers, that I got her full address from White Pages since I already knew her building/street address and apologized if I made her feel uncomfortable/scared. That it came from a place of good intentions and I would never do anything to hurt her that way. She pretty much came back with "I am no longer willing to hang out with you because of the lack of respect to my privacy" I texted back one more time apologizing again and asking her to reconsider the friendship and she came back one more time with "that is not an option for me because of the boundary thats been crossed. Thanks for your apology". And thats pretty much how it ended. There's been no contact since.
I've asked a bunch of friends and my therapist (both male and female) about this and all of them said pretty much the same thing....that I did nothing wrong but could understand why she might feel uncomfortable, but that even if she did it could at worst merit a discussion about boundaries. Not an immediate "friendship over" response. They all felt that was extremely harsh. Curious to get some opinions here? The way I see it, is that we had built up a very solid rapport over the last 3-4 months, a trust level, comfort level etc. At the very least I felt like we were becoming very good friends regardless of me also catching some feelings. We did just spend a whole weekend together. We vibed, had fun, I told her I liked her, she was receptive. Felt like to me we knew each other pretty well. Also I KNEW HER STREET AND BUILDING ADDRESS already since I met her at her building on Sunday already. So I really don't see looking up her apartment # on White Pages (which anybody can do in 5 seconds) as some huge violation of privacy. Just to send her a bouquet of flowers? Am I missing something here? It sucks I feel like I got punished here for simply trying to do something nice for someone I liked and cared about. I guess lesson learned going forward, I will never do this again. But it just bothers me a lot because I really feel like I did nothing inappropriate. I could understand this more if I was literally someone she just met or maybe talked to a few times over the span of a couple of weeks. For me though, talking as much as we had over a several month period, that we had gotten to know each other well enough that we exchanged many personal stories/info, that we just spent a whole weekend together, that I was physically at her apartment building....that simply looking up her apartment # seemed like no big deal. Like I would have thought she knew me well enough and built up enough comfort that this wouldnt be an issue. I mean to me you wouldnt hang out with a guy 1 on 1 for two whole days if you didnt trust him on some level. Nor ride in a car with him alone, nor give him your street address. I guess I completely misread this?
I'm trying to decide if I should reach out to her one more time to see if she'd be open to at least talking. With maybe the hope of possibly repairing the friendship. I have no closure and feel like I have things left unsaid. In the few weeks since its happened I still her miss her alot and think about her often. She had become such a daily presence in my life and now thats completely gone. And it was taken away it a very abrupt manner in which I kind of feel like my character and integrity were judged harshly.
@MLasowski81
I had something like this happen to me once. I think what you did was stumble upon a scary incident in her past or a fear that she has. I accidentally did the same thing to a friend, stumbled upon some scary incident from her past or something that haunted her. I don't know. My friends also told me I didn't do anything wrong. It was completely innocent like your looking up your friend's apartment number on whitepages when she had already given you her street address. I never could change my friend's mind about my not meaning to cross any boundaries and how sorry I was for making her uncomfortable. I was devastated, because I knew my intentions and my heart were pure and if she could just see what was in my head and heart, she would know that. But... it turned out I couldn't do anything about how she felt. I tried. I really hope that your situation turns out differently... that your friend can separate you, and what you did, from her past or her fear, whatever the problem is, and realize there was no sneaking around or intentionally invading her privacy. Her apartment number was public information that you were able to get easily because she gave you her street address. You were just being sweet and sending her flowers after having a lovely weekend with her and sharing some feelings. Plain and simple. I really, really hope it works out for you. Hugs.
Jewels
I don't understand the comments indicating that she is some how irrational or that her action is illogical, or had past fears or any strange reason.
There seems a stronger possiblity that this woman reacted rationally and moved with her gut feeling after a culmination of interactions with the original poster.
The issue can be in things he has not said as this is only one side of a story.
@MLasowski81
Hi!
In my opinion, I do think that your lady friend reacted a little harshly. As you stated, the two of you had been chatting for a while, and she willingly gave you her address. It’s possible that even without WhitePages, you could have figured out which apartment was hers, or sent the flowers without specifying an apartment number, because as long as there isn’t anyone with a similar name in the area, chances are high that she would have still gotten them.
HOWEVER, despite this day and age making it easy to figure out a person’s exact address (amongst other things), everyone has their own degree of privacy. Some people shrug off having their address, social media and other things discovered by others so easily. Others would prefer to not be found with a few keywords and a website.
It’s entirely possible your lady friend had a bad experience with someone else, and believing that her apartment number wasn’t clockable could have given her a sense of security. Despite your pure intentions, sending her the flowers shattered that sense of security and shook her up by the sounds of it.
If the example helps, I left my abusive family a couple of years ago. I moved in with a friend, and then we moved again about a year later. I had no contact with my family whatsoever during this time period. Yet, my family found out the first address, and they’ve also discovered my current address. Back when I had first moved out and they figured out the first address, my mom gloated to my friend that “We could have taken Autumn back at any time we wanted to.” It made me feel very unsafe, and I was uncomfortable walking around alone in the neighborhood despite it being a very safe place. I’ve gotten back into contact with a few select family members only recently, and even though they know my current address, they know without me having to tell them that they are NOT welcome. I’ve received a few letters from some of them, and I’ve thrown them all in the trash. If they were to try sending me a gift, I may also throw it in the trash depending on what the gift is and who it’s from. Long story short, knowing that they know where I live isn’t a pleasant feeling for me, but not enough to warrant anything severe. I suppose I could issue a restraining order if I wanted to, but I don’t deem it necessary because all of my family members are terrified of my friend and are aware that he will unleash his wrath on them if they try to take me back by force.
Since you had a good relationship with your lady friend beforehand, I think trying to reach out one more time isn’t a bad idea. You want to amend things, and perhaps, if she’s willing to listen, the two of you can start afresh with a better understanding of each other’s boundaries. However, I would encourage you to not continuously try contacting her. Doing so could be perceived as you disrespecting her boundaries and push her away further. Perhaps in time she may realize that you had no intent to harm or scare her, and she’ll reach out to you.
Best of luck with your situation!
@TheAutumnWitch I appreciate the thorough response. I'm going to give it some more time before I consider reaching out again. I think perhaps that may increase the chance of her being open to at least talking. It may in a sense prove I respected her wish for space. If she doesnt respond then at least I know for sure and it gives me 100% closure. I think knowing I did something with pure intentions and it being construed completely differently is what continues to bother me. Its as if my character is questioned and I guess I am just having a hard time being able to process that. Especially since prior to her reaction everything had been going so well.
Even though her address was available publicly, I still think the act of looking it up was a boundary crosser, seeing as she had made it implicitly clear through her action of meeting you outside the building, that she wasn't willing or ready to share her personal details to that extent. I also see you were the one pushing all the meetups and talking about liking her. you never said if she expressed back that she also had feelings for you? I think she's clocked that you aren't able to sense her pace or need to privacy and that makes her uncomfortable. It's like you've gone in, all guns blazing, without thought to whether something would make her comfortable or not.
@missg I mean this is fair response and you could be 100% correct. Perhaps I moved too fast and sending her flowers just was too much for her. She always expressed interest in everything we did together so I never got the sense that it was just me pushing everything. It wasnt a one sided thing. I definitely felt like there was significant interest on her side. If I didn't I wouldn't have sent the flowers. Maybe I misread everything though.
@MLasowski81
No it's not your fault
@MLasowski81 I appreciate everyone's responses. This has been a super confusing situation for me so I have tried to gather so many opinions on it from different people. Getting as many perspectives as possible is extremely helpful. I think I've reached the conclusion that while I feel I don't really did anything "wrong" per se, I probably should have just asked her if I could have her full address so I could send her something. At least then the ball would have been in her court and she could have controlled what happened. Clearly I crossed a boundary of hers, albeit intentionally and without any ill intentions. I tend to think her reaction is probably the result of prior life experiences; some female friends I've told about this said they would love it if a guy did this for them, a few others have said it would bother them a bit due to prior issues with men harassing/stalking them. So the reactions very much seem to be based around an individuals past. It's just kind of a *** result I guess. Lesson learned...I won't ever do something like this again.
I may give it some more time and try to text her one more time just to see if anything could be salvaged. Perhaps with time and space she'll be open to at least talking. We'll see though. I'm still pretty upset about the whole thing but all I can do is treat it as a learning experience.
@MLasowski81
While someone expresses interest in mutually liked acts or hobbies etc this does not equate a romantic interest. Sending flowers is a romantic gesture and with romantic intentions.
Some may give you the advice that something is wrong with her and she had some past issues or whatever, but she has directly stated she doesn't want anything further with you. There are things in life to accept and respect...respect her decision.
No doubt she has given it thought and based on what you've said she responded to you directly and to the point without any outburst. If she wanted reconciliation then she would have reached out to you by now.