Fiance and my lack of friendships...

Also....I don't really have a family support system either...I dont' talk to them for reasons I don't want to go into here. So...I literally have NOONE.

@WSA29

Hey there, Thank you for posting your situation, I would like point out some things.

So, before my Fiance and I got together, I had a lot of friends. (This is great, remember you should be the same person and keep people important to you before and after the relationship). Some great for me...some not so great. He did a great job of helping me figure out which friends were "toxic," and I slowly let them out of my life. For the better. Well....he has a problem with me, or either of us, making friends OUTSIDE of our "couple" relationship. (This is starting to sounds like his fears and insecurities are taking over him regarding this). As in, he doesn't want me making friends, female or EXPECIALLY male, where he isn't a friend of them either. (This is starting to sound controlling and not being confident. His fear of losing its making him behave this way, so it makes him want to control things on order to gain certainty and soothe himself.) And he says he doesn't do the same because it's "not right." (It's more like it doesn't feel right for him because of the fears he has)So...needless to say I got rid of....most of my friends from prior to being in a relationship...and even lost some I miss bc I felt he controlled the situation. (It's definetly being controlling, and fearful, he wants you for himself, fear of loss and anxiety will trigger with the thoughts of you talking to other people so wants you to stop talking to them so he can feel safe, it's not fair he asks you to do this. He is not loving in such a way where you feel free)

He has friends. Has friends he sets up times of the week to chat with, and has a whole list in his phone of people, whether he calls them or not. I don't have anyone.(This is not fair that he gets to have his circle of friends, but you can't because he will get fearful and try to control your interactions with people). Unless you count number to my fav restaurants, my hair dresser or the lady who watched our daughter. (of whom we DO hang out with....but as a couple). Her and I (the babysitter) WOULD be great friends, we have similar interests, but he doesn't want me spending time with her alone, because we should be "cultivating our relationship togehter."(Cultivating a relationship has to do with trust, communication, taking you out to dates, romancing you properly, not on trying to control on which people you intereact with. He is disorting reality here) He has his ex brother-in-law to talk to sometimes, and even goes and hangs out with him! He says it's because "he doesn't have anybody else." Not true (He says he doesn't have anybody else...what about you? he should be asking you to hang out , spending time with you). He also says that he misses me whenever he is out with him and can't wait to come home. They go out maybe once a month tops.

Am I being ridiculous here? I feel guilty even THINKING of downloading a PLATONIC friendship app just to talk to people and make friends...even though I feel I could never let him know about it.(Well you are not, its just that he has contro every interaction thinking it'll work, however it's not going to work, it makes you feel like you can't really trust him with things because of how he might react) I feel so isolated (If you feel you want to interact with someone, make friends, then do it. You are not his property, he doesn't own you in anyway. Don't let his control isolate you, the more you let him control you, the more he will do it). And on TOP of that....he is recovering from porn/sex addiction...so he is in and out emotionally making me feel ever MORE alone. (It's understandable you would feel this way, but this also has to do with the way he has been showing up in the relationship. The whole addiction will cause him some negative aspects in intimacy and other things) I have met a great person on here, of whom makes me feel better when talking to him, and I feel so guilty for hiding it. (You'll hide it because you know he will make drama and not trust you, however if has been calm and confident then I'm 100% sure you would have tell him. I could see why you would hide it.) I talk to him about my emotions surrounding my Fiance's issues (another topic) and just when I need a pick-me-up...which lately has been often. I just don't know what to do...

Hi there! I just wanted to share a similar story and let you know that it is possible to overcome this in a relationship, but you need to be strong and stand up for yourself in order to do so. If you can't, then you need to be strong and find a way to leave because love is not isolation and you deserve so much better.

My boyfriend and I had a similar problem. On top of everything you described, he would delete friends from my social media and get upset with me for talking to people he didn't "approve" of. Mind you, he only approved of ONE of my friends who I hardly speak to anymore. If I went out with any friends he expected updates every ten minutes plus my location and pictures of me with them. If not, he would let his anger take control of him and act destructively. When I would get home, he'd "punish" me by making me delete social media apps or telling me I couldn't go out again (It's ridiculous that I put up with that, I know). Meanwhile, he was able to go out with all of his friends at any time. He also would get upset if I had genuine curiosity about where he went or who he went with.

I got tired of it and expressed to him how unfair it was that he expected so much of me but would never do the same in return. I told him about how I felt alone and like I had no one to talk to except for him and he was not always able to be there for me. I attempted this conversation several times but for whatever reason, he did not take me seriously until I asserted that in order for our relationship to work and for me to be happy and healthy, I needed to have connections to the outside world. He still is experiencing anxiety about me going out with friends, but we have been gradually working on it. I understand that he will not change immediately (though that would be ideal) and he understands this is a necessary step towards a healthy relationship. In my situation, we started by hanging out in group settings more often. First with his friends and then with mine. Then I began working on my connections with my friends individually and reintroducing them into my life. He and I have been much happier since.

I do understand this may not go as smoothly in all situations, so if he is still maintaining that you can't see anyone else despite it being something you need, then please, for your daughter and yourself, consider leaving this man. He does not treat you like a human being, but rather, as property. You are worth so much more than that. You are not being ridiculous at all my love. You have every right to be hurt by this and you feeling like you need to hide things from him is valid. It is possible (and arguably necessary) to have friendships outside of a relationship. Don't let him convince you otherwise. You both love each other, but this is not going to be healthy for you until he begins recognizing and respecting you as someone who exists outside of your relationship.