How do I stop being so...me
So, I have a decent group of friends.
Actually, they're more my husband's friends, we all got to know each other at the same time...but he's the genuinely happy, fun, kind and outgoing guy. Me, I'm the sarcastic, closed off and kinda mean person who just tells it like it is.
I'm struggling with life atm, and I know it's manifested in my personality.
I don't like being hugged although I crave contact with someone so much, I want someone to hold me and tell me I'll be ok.
I hate it if people tell me they love me. They shouldn't, I'm bad people.
I make sure I get a few snipey jokes in on other people's behalfs every time we hang.
I just....it's like I created this person and everyone is just like "Oh, that's Kirby. She keeps it real and that's why we love her"
These people, I would take a bullet for....but I can never let them know that.
Last weekend I went to a BBQ and I spent the day just pushing everyone away. I was miserable and tired and lonely. I just sat alone and drank and shut down every conversation people tried to start with me.
I don't know wtf is wrong with me.
I'm already alone as it is...dealing with an issue that affects me every moment of every day, but I decide to ruin myself some more by keeping every person I know at arm's length.
I wish I could change...but I know I can't.
@Kirbyyyy I was exactly the same till one day I decided it was not worth it...i only have one life, so if i keep pushing people away or shut down, it will be over...time flyies fast and I would hate to see you missing on your life...it is really easy, just let go, out of the dark pattern that is not who you really are...you deserve to live your live with warm human contact not in your self imposed corner...it will be worth it...i know, just like me youdo not like hugs or human contact or someone invading your bubble but for that reason i keep saying...hugs🤗
@Kirbyyyy I'm not sure if you're asking for advice (it seems like no? Happy to give but so want to respect your desire to just let this out so I apologize if I am misreading).
But I did want to say that I can relate. A lot. I know what it's like not to fit in, not to always want to socialize, not to understand. I've tried changing, thinking I'd fit in better but I can say that it really only goes so far. When I tried to do it, I was unhappy. AND it never really benefited me in any way.
I've accepted there are downsides to the fact that I often can't fit in the way others want me to but ultimately I'm happier with myself for it.
Good luck.
@Kirbyyyy
it sounds like you feel stuck in a self created persona and much of the persona doesnt reflect your genuine self but you feel that you cant change because because people are used to it and its fixed in the group you play the role of the person who keeps it real and youve created other personality characteristics for this persona in addition to that and your kind of getting tired of playing this role but everyone seems to like it and theyre used to it and maybe if you showed them more of your true self they wouldnt like it ... or it could be another reason thats just a very common reason why people feel they cant change a persona theyve created it would.be a good.idea to think about why you feel like you cannot change kirbys behavior why that shouldnt happen or cant happen
