How to stop this depression from taking away my love and best friend?
Im 18 and this is my first serious relationship. Ive had depression for as long as i can remember that started with my parents divorce and then an abusive step dad. Weve been dating for almost a year and a half.We went through a rough patch a while ago, and because of what I firmly believe was my depression turning into numbness and paranoia again I started blaming him for the reason it felt like I was losing feelings. I saw how other girls(that are friends) made him happy and I got extremely jealous and terrified he was leaving me because of past abandonment issues, so I took it out on him to a point that I couldnt even realize when he was doing the things I told him I needed in a relationship(my love language is physical touch for example) and we almost broke up twice. My mind kept telling me bc you dont feel sparks right now you dont love him even though its not true and he tries to understand what Im feeling and support me and get me to get it out when I can(I have a tendency to shut down and internalize everything). I love him and his personality with all my heart but it seems my mind is picking out what Im physically feeling right now as a deciding factor with my emotions. Around Valentines Day i felt it again for about two days. I actually finally feel In love with him and attracted to him and actually happy, and then i had a dream that I kissed another guy and I felt like I shut down again. Im not ready to say goodbye, what do I do
Hello
On a side note he
@Goatgirl21
The issue here is lack of self confidence and also unrealistic expectations.
Trust me, most relationships aren't lovey dovey. There's no such thing as "sparks" after a long time, is more of a companionship type of thing. Is a bond of love and friendship. So please take this in mind.
Now about self esteem, don't you think if he wanted to be with someone else he would? But he's not. he's with YOU. because he wants YOU. It's this easy.
I know traumatic events can poison our perspectives, but fight against this.
He's being honest and caring, last thing he needs is to have a finger pointed at him when he has done nothing wrong.
With this said is also important for you to do a self evaluation. If you aren't ready to trust, you shouldn't be in a relationship. Maybe you should be working on yourself to be at a happy and healthy state of mind. Because not a single relationship will work without trust and live off paranoia.
Is a matter of you realising if you can trust him or not. If not ,work on yourself.
@Booklover95
Ive come to realize this a lot now, and slowly Ive began to trust him more than i ever have. Many of the issues listed here occured almost a year ago or atleast 6 months. The guilt of what I have done overcomes me sometimes and is what causes me to worry.
@Goatgirl21
Guilt here isn't good of course. Realising what you did wrong is great, but you have to forgive yourself. Realise you act this way because of your past, but also realise it isn't an excuse to hurt others.
At least you're working in yourself which is lovely. I'm sure you'll have a good relationship if you keep working hard.
@Goatgirl21
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
Im 18 and this is my first serious relationship. Ive had depression for as long as i can remember that started with my parents divorce and then an abusive step dad. (It's really unfortunate you went through this. I think this will definetly make you fear abandonment and it probably made you feel as it is your fault that they divorce. From your dad side, I think it will lead to trust issues of men, make you feel as if you are not good enough and you'll internalize a negative view of the world and relationships in general). Weve been dating for almost a year and a half.We went through a rough patch a while ago, and because of what I firmly believe was my depression turning into numbness (Unfortunetly depression can cause this...it's like some sort of defense mechanism built to avoid getting further pain and hurt). and paranoia again I started blaming him for the reason it felt like I was losing feelings. (I don't know the full story, but you shouldn't blame other people for how you feel, you have to take responsability for your own feelings and actions). I saw how other girls(that are friends) made him happy and I got extremely jealous and terrified he was leaving me because of past abandonment issues (You have good awareness of what goes inside of you which its very important to have. I believe you felt something like "How come those girl make him happy, and he is not as happy with me? Am i not good enough?" and then yes it would trigger your abandonment and jealous feelings from the past)/, so I took it out on him to a point that I couldnt even realize when he was doing the things I told him I needed in a relationship(my love language is physical touch for example) (I don't quite understand this, but I'm taking it as "I didn't even realize he was doing the things as told him". Sometimes in a relationship people observe the other person is not doing what they want, so it's going to get them upset and not loved. They are other times where one partner has been doing something that makes the other feel loved, and all of the sudden they have not done it for a long time. They are also other times where one partner stopped putting the effort for a long time, etc. I don't know which one of those is your boyfriend) and we almost broke up twice. (Did you initiated the breakup when he didn't do what you want? or was it something else?). My mind kept telling me bc you dont feel sparks right now you dont love him (I'm not 100% sure about what i'll say on this sentence, but I believe there's a chance he might not be doing something that's not making you feel loved, and also there's some cynical voices that actually sabotage thoughts and feelings at play here), even though its not true and he tries to understand what Im feeling and support me and get me to get it out when I can(I have a tendency to shut down and internalize everything). (The shutting down I believe it has to do with being overwhelmed and afraid of being vulnerable. I think you didn't feel comfortable and safe in expressing yourself growing up, because it was related with pain, hurt and often dismissed, so yout end to shut down). I love him and his personality with all my heart but it seems my mind is picking out what Im physically feeling right now as a deciding factor with my emotions. (what you mean?) Around Valentines Day i felt it again for about two days. I actually finally feel In love with him and attracted to him and actually happy, (Did he took you out on a date and did something romantic?) and then i had a dream that I kissed another guy and I felt like I shut down again. (I believe your attraction and love goes up and down due to depression, but also the things he does in the relationship play a role as well). Im not ready to say goodbye, what do I do
@freshLight64
Youve nailed a lot of this to a T. Weve both hurt each other by our actions, not considering each others feelings before doing things sometimes and weve been working on overcoming that. It both of our first long term relationship and were still learning a lot. We got to a point where we were spending every day together, with very little time apart except to go home at night. Weve both realized now that we need something one apart and not around each other sometimes to make sure we dont get too annoyed at each other.
The breakup was initiated by him, bc of my issues of abandonment. He wasnt angry at me. But he felt like he was the one causing the hurt and didnt want to put me in anymore pain. Ive come to realize more now that its a combination of self worth and that fear that makes me feel like something is going to go wrong. I do have a lot of trust issues with especially with men because of the way I was treated with my stepdad until I moved out, and my other side of the family that I moved in with are perfectionists and if everything isnt in place Im a terrible person etc. which didnt help any of this. My father(who I live with now) would tell me to leave him if I so much as got frustrated or upset with something I didnt understand(Im a huge cry baby).
All of my worry and numbness b
@Goatgirl21
to continue at worry and numbness:
I believe it all started with that fear that he didnt really love me and was lying to me. Its taken months to get that out of my head that he cares about me more than anything else and he wouldnt be there for me like he has if not.
@Goatgirl21
Hey there, Thanks for the reply. There's a few things I would like to point out;
Weve both hurt each other by our actions, (I believe you both have certain insecurities and issues, so more than likely you both triggered each other past constantly, and then it lead to a lot of things) not considering each others feelings beforedoing things sometimes and weve been working on overcoming that. (One of you will be anxious and the other avoidant, which means one side will want more closeness and feel understood, while the other side will minimize the other person feelings and desire more space. I think the communication was not working properly at this point, because of how often you two triggered each other). It both of our first long term relationship and werestill learning a lot. (It's understandable, unfortunetly not many people grew with a good example on how a healthy and loving relationship looks like). We got to a point where we were spending every day together, with very little time apart except togo home at night. (At first it'll be okay, but then slowly it'll affect attraction if there's no space). Weve both realized now that we need something one apart and not around each other sometimes to makesure we dont get too annoyed at each other. (One of the things that is often overlooked in long term relationships and marriage is the lack of space. You two spend the day together everyday for awhile, so after awhile you two will become familiar with each other and it's going to affect the attraction you two have for each other. Women are more intuitive, and know how to nurture relationships more than men, so there's a chance you asked for space and perhaps he didn't like it. It's very important to have space every once in awhile so the relationship still feels new and exciting).
The breakup was initiated by him, bc of my issues of abandonment. He wasnt angry at me. But he felt like he was the onecausing the hurt and didnt want to put me in anymore pain. (I could see why he would feel this way, it's tough something handling this after awhile, and he also internalize that everything was his fault). Ive come to realize more now that its a combination of selfworth and that fear that makes me feel like something is going to go wrong. (What you fear, you attract. If you think something wrong is going to happen, then it'll actually happen. It's very important to focus on what you want to happen.) I do have a lot of trust issues withespecially with men because of the way I was treated with my stepdad until I moved out, (This would cause some sort of attachment trauma, so the mind won't be able to tell the difference between the past and the present, and then you'll get triggered in a way where you are re-living the past again) and my other side of the family that I moved in with are perfectionists and if everything isnt in place Im a terrible person etc. (This will often make you over-criticize yourself, and if something goes wrong then you'll feel like everything is your fault). which didnt help any of this. My father(who I live with now) would tell me to leave him if I so much as got frustrated or upset with something I didnt understand(Im a huge cry baby). (It's sad that he does this, it's not going to make you feel comfortable and safe around him). I believe it all started with that fear that he didnt really love me and way lying to me. (I believe you internalized this because it's how things went between your mom and step dad). Its taken months to get that out of my head that he cares about me more than anything else and he wouldnt be there for me like he has if not. (I could understand why it took a long time, its because love and care doesn't feel safe for you, it comes with a lot of hurt and pain, so it takes you a very long time to trust people).
Another note: until just recently i didnt know how to communicate with him at all. (It's understandable, it's hard to know how properly communicate when there was not a healthy and loving example on how communication should be) I never asked my parents questions growing up, (I believe they didn't learned this from his parents). I always kept my fear to myself about anything and i felt like i couldnt open up to anyone, (I understand why you would felt this fear, as a child you tried to express yourself, but it was often dismissed as "Stop crying", "Go to your room", "Why are you crying?", "Stop being sensitive", so this is going to make you feel afraid to communicate because you were afraid to lose their love and presence). and i turned tothe internet for answers once i was old enough to get on it for everything. (In my opinion, the best information is on Craig Kenneth youtube channel). Im just now learning how to communicate whatIm thinking openly which had a lot to do with what I would be hurting from.
@freshLight64
Another note: until just recently i didnt know how to communicate with him at all. I never asked my parents questions growing up, I always kept my fear to myself about anything and i felt like i couldnt open up to anyone, and i turned to the internet for answers once i was old enough to get on it for everything. Im just now learning how to communicate what Im thinking openly which had a lot to do with what I would be hurting from.