I seem to be a toxic friend

I just don't know what to do at the moment. I am afraid that I am making a mistake by thinking like this about our friendship. Lately, I find myself sitting for hours amd hours in my room and breaking my head over this..

@McWookie. trust me you are not toxic. im way worse than you and i think that im toxic so if u are toxic then i don't have an adjective for myself ;(. i haven't talked to a single soul for past 3 days. last week my friends ditched me on a vacation plan just because i was increasing the cost of the trip as a 9 member trip was comparatively cheaper than a 10 member trip. so i decide to go home instead. 2 days before i was supposed to leave for home my mom called me and told me not to come home. so i thought that my girlfriend would help as i desperately needed to go out of this place and hit a reset button, but as soon as i told my girlfriend that i want to go out on vacation with her, she broke up with me and that was 3 days back. you know i feel like im toxic and whomsoever life i touch i just poison it and make them eventually leave me for good.

@McWookie

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I am having big troubles with my best friend, and I guess that I've always had. I always had a hard time trusting her because I never felt that I was really important to her. (I believe this statement its something you carried since your childhood because of how others made you feel, so this is being carried on friendships/relationships). She always met with other friends, rarely invited me to hang out with her, and often ignored or left me on hold when I suggested that we could spent some time together. (It's definetly not nice how she left you on hold, it sounds rude the way she did it. I could tell this triggered your anxiety and abandonment issues when you saw how she invited others and not you, so it prompt you to ask her to hang out to see her and feel the validation that she cares about you. I think you also had certain thoughts such as "How come she is inviting them and not me? Am i not good enough?" so at times it caused a lot of anger and hurt). She often came up with the same excuses, saying that she was too busy and that she didn't have time for me. (A person who is secure will have social cue which means they will be able to read it as "It sounds like she doesn't want to see me, so ill wait for her to ask me", however a person who has anxiety and a hard time controlling their emotions will not have these social cues, so then they will keep asking the person, wanting more closeness as the other person keeps making excuses). Yet I often had the feeling that I was just getting too much for her again and demanding too much attention from her. (I believe it was hard for you to calm down your feelings anxiety, it made you feel afraid, so it prompt you to want more attention from her so those feelings reduce). Often when she said that she was busy, I saw her playing online games with some of her friend she is always hanging out with. (I don't know if you saw her by coincidence, or if you actually check if she was playing online games with them, but if your answer is that you checked then it was done as a way to soothe uncertainity and to find evidence that she either cares or not). Or when I asked her if we could make some plans for the near future, she said that she doesn't know if she could do that for me since she's got lots of things to do. (These are the social cues I was talking about, in here I can tell you felt a lot of anxiety, so you became very focus on the anxiety to the point it was hard for you to see that she wasn't as eager to spend time with you) But at the same time, I know that she made plans with other people. (This statement comes from anger and hurt such as "She always makes plans with other people and not me", so this will actually increase your anxiety, you might lash out and then you'll ask her again).

It's just that we were or maybe that we still are (I really don't know what's going on at the moment) very close friends. We used to talk every day to each other, making jokes, helping the other person with troubles and communicating the significance of the other person. (An important thing to remember is that this can't be sustain for long periods of times unless there's space involved, because talking everyday with each other will often make you two become familiar, so one or both will back away, which will make the other person go after the one who is backing away). And yet, when it came to spending time with each other, she often acted really withdrawn. (There's a chance she felt smothered when it comes to spending time with each other, was she acting distant before you ask her?. If you ask her more than two times while she gave an excuse it's going to make her act in a distant way)

So at some point, I always got really upset at her and jealous. (This was bound to happen sooner or later, it's tough for you to regulate your emotions. They are a lot of things she is doing that's actually triggering some of the things you went through in your past growing up). I used to tell her and she could calm me down for some time, (At times you have to do an inventory of your feelings such as; "Is she really causing me to feel this way?" or "Are my past issues the real reason im feeling this way") but now it's just that she feels helpless. (If it's "Are my past issues the real reason im feeling this way" and then you share them then after awhile it's going to make the other person feel like "I don't know what else to do...I tried everything, but she is still feeling like this..." ."She thinks that nothing she could ever say to me would make me feel better. (This is what I mentioned on my previous comment, it's going to make her feel trapped, and then she will make tons of excuse to not see you because of the negativity). But that's the point, we only chat on the phone, (I believe its because of some of the feelings you shared such as being jealous, upset about other people etc) but i rarely see her making actions torwards our friendship. (I believe what you are looking for is validation that she cares, so you want her to act and behave on a certain way that's going to make you feel safe.)

The thing is that I am not mad at her. Not anymore. I realized that I've been almost forcing her being friends with me, although she gave me many signals in the past that she needs her space. (The word "space" would terrify anyone, specially people who have anxiety and abandonment issues. It's very important to give other people space, knowing when its the right time to move forward and backing away, but for you it was tough because it was overwhelming the amount of feelings and emotions you went through). And everytime I tried to talk to her about that - I asked if she's fine, if she needs space, if things with both of us are alright, if I upset her and so on - she always said that everything is alright. (I believe she was not straight forward with you because she didn't want to hurt your feelings. I could tell you felt a lot of anxiety and fear when you asked her all of that, you went through emotional meltdown). I've been really toxic (You are not a toxic person) and manipulatice in order to get attention and validation from her (You were unaware of what was going on inside of you, it's difficult soothing your own emotions when this is something you didn't learn, don't be hard on yourself.) instead of seeing that I may just not be the right person for her. (No, she just needed space because things started to get overwhelming)

Now I am thinking of taking distance from her for her own good. (You are becoming aware now, it's best to wait for her to reach out). I don't want her to feel forced being friends with me and also it depresses me alot having the feeling that I am abusing (It's not abuse) someone whom I love with my very heart and soul. I just want her to have a happy life, and I've got the feeling that I am not supposed to be a part of it.

I come from a really abusive family, I got used to being let down, being manipulated, being used because I am just a really naive and clingy person. (People as a children don't often get the healthy amount of love, at times there's going to be a lot of inconsistencies than not, and often a parent will withdraw love from you, so it's going to make you fight and cling for their love because it was the only way you learn to receive love.). My parents fight every day, (This is going to cause anxiety, and you might end up being attracted to these kind of relationships) the beat each other, and I grew up being alone. (It's understandable you felt this way, it's unfortunate you had to experience this). I guess, I just want to feel important and loved. (I believe everyone does, but it's important to first have this inside). And in order to feel that way I overextended the patience and kindheartedness of my friend. (You were not fully aware of what was going on, but it's very important to learn about self-soothing). She always tried her best to make me feel better, to make me feel loved and important. But texting with her never seemed enough for me, so I got angry and jealous, (You got to be careful with this, because you learned from your parents that being angry and jealous is a way to get your needs met, so this is a pattern you might often do in friendship/relationship. We mirror and micmic what we see from our parents and their relationship, its important to break this pattern). I acted like a monster torwards her. (You didn't acted like a monster)