Should I confront my friend about their behavior?
Ive been friends with this person for 8ish years. She came to visit me the first time in three years since she moved away, where she told me three times I was mentally abusive (two times when I had been joking with her, so I thought it was a joke, and the third in all seriousness). She even tried to tell me that I admitted it to her which I have no memory of. Outside of that, she came over sick and was around my entire family. She said she hoped she didn’t have rona because she hugged her elderly grandmother. When I brought up she was around my family (including my grandparents) and her other friend’s family, she proceeded to say she didn’t care about them which upset me.
overall I’m just very upset and I’ve had people tell me to ghost her. I want to tell her what she did to upset me but I’m not sure if I should just wait for her to text me (cause I haven’t texted her, I’m usually the convo starter) and then tell her or confront her and ask her to be better.
I don’t want to put up with her rudeness, but I also don’t want to end our friendship after we’ve been friends for so long. I don’t know what to do.
@Connorarcadia
Wow, that sounds like a lot to handle from one person! I really admire that you brought up the issue of her being sick around your family. Her response is disappointing for sure and makes me feel like she is probably just a very selfish person in general.
I understand that you want to let her know what upset you and I definitely think there is a way that you can do it and maintain the friendship if that is really what you want in the end.
The important thing is to tell her without accusing or attacking her. It is always helpful to start off positive and affirming maybe something like. "I loved getting to hang out with you and really value our friendship so it was awesome to reconnect. I care a lot about our relationship and want to be honest about some things that happened which upset me...."
Stay firm in how you felt about what happened and if she gets defensive or dismissive, I would remind her that these are your feelings and it is not really about getting her to agree with you, it is to be able to move forward and not have these kinds of things happen again.
I think by the end of the conversation you will be able to see if she values the friendship as much as you do. Either way, it seems like getting this off your chest is important.
Sending vibes for clarity and confidence in having this conversation. You can do it!
Update: Friend and I ended up talking about this after I responded to one of her texts passive-aggressively (unintentionally.) She called me out on acting weird and told me to let her know when it was over. I let her know she upset me and she said "it's because I called you out on being abusive, huh?"
I told her what exactly she did to make me upset and let her know what she said was crappy, especially when I opened up my whole and made sure she had food that she'd eat (she's a very picky eater), and gave her new experiences that she wouldn't get at home.
She tried to tell me she never said anything about not caring about my family getting sick and said I could have sent her home even though she drove 2 hours to get here. She also said that we knew she was sick and still opened our home up to her, though we only found out she was sick after she got here and she had symptoms way before that and failed to tell us.
She also told me that she didn't know if I was actually her friend because I say things that hurt her feelings (aka we both make deprecating jokes about each other that can be harsh. I never take mine to heart and I've never said anything that she didn't know I was joking about. Even in harsh jokes i apologize and let her know I went too far.) I did agree that some jokes could be insensitive and I told her I'd never do anything intentionally to hurt her feelings. I ended up asking her why was she even friends with me if i was so abusive. She didn't answer and started going off about something else.
Long story short, we agreed we needed a break from each other. It's been 2 weeks and I'm not sure if I should reach out and ask where we go from here or not. My siblings brought up how she didn't seem to take accountability for her actions and started to pull the "well you-". She had a habit of doing that before about other things too. Overall the situation still bothers me because I find myself wanting to tell her things but then remembering we don't speak anymore.
@Connorarcadia if you want my advice don't reach out move on
@Connorarcadia
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. I don't like your friend behavior, she has not been treating you properly this whole time. I can see you were joking with her by being playful, however she took it very personal. People like her lack a sense of humor, will often see others being playful as threat to their own ego and then she will try to get some kind of revenge on you. The reality is she got triggered, wasn't aware of it, and blamed you for it. You didn't do anything wrong here, it was her fault.
Her behavior comes across as self-absorbed as well, it's all about how she feels and want. She talked about hoping not having the virus because of her elderly grandmother, and then minimized how you felt. She will probably often minimize your experiences, while making sure that her experiences are "valid". I thought what she said about your family was rude and disrespectful. She cares all about herself, and doesn't show consideration and empathy for others.
She attempted to gaslight you by saying " he never said anything about not caring about my family getting sick". She was trying to make you second guess yourself, and question your own reality so she wouldn't have to deal with what she did. You did the best you could to communicate with her, but she made the entire conversation about her, and blaming you for everything. You have every right to choose if you want this friendship or not, but he has shown a lot of behaviors that are not healthy at all. You deserve far better than this, hope you are able to make a decision that fits you.
