Toxic venting?

@stydia

Hi Stydia! I have moved your post to the "Relationship Subcommunity" under "Friendships". As it will be a better fit there and perhaps you will be able to get much better support that you are seeking.

@stydia

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things i would like to point out;

Am I being toxic to my friend? We both have problematic parental living situations and chaotic families, so there's that in common and she's shown me texts from her mother in the past and I've offered advice, AND vice versa. (This sounds like you both trust each other and are open to sharing things)

The trouble is that I have a hard time understanding that some people are too sensitive to tolerate my enting (I believe this has to do with anxiety, it probably gets so overwhelming to the point it becomes hard to soothe the anxiety and your only way to reduce it is by sharing things with her. The anxiety puts you in panic mode and then becomes hard to notice certain signs) and that just because we're friends doesn't mean I can overshare uninvited or start spilling out my insecurities whenever I'm in a bad mood.(This depends on how often you share things, what kind of things she is going through and how much she can handle because people have their own limits as well) I feel that I need to be firmer with myself as far as self control goes (I know how this feels, its almost like an automatic response when emotions get overwhelmed and then thoughts of desperation comes because its hard to calm down) because I accidentally push those I love away by doing this and I fear if I forget the effect it has on others I will lose them when they've had enough. (Its not that you actually forget, its just in those moments it becomes hard to think about these things. The most important thing is learning a way to regulate your own emotions)It's hard because of my deficient social skills.

Today I vented to her, which I regret after we haven't spoken in about a week unless it's something she wanted to talk about, like a video game she's into lately.(I could see why you would feel this way, she starting to become an object to soothe your emotions and anxiety. Its important to not discuss issues if you two have not spoken for awhile because it will push her away) She was a bit short and terse with me, despite whatever I said and whatever I felt. (This tells me she felt smothered and tried to lead the conversation to its end) I am a highly emotional and expressive person, and I believe that being open about that is healthy (They are limits to this because people are not trained to handle certain issues likr a therapist would) but I don't always know when it's unhealthy for those around me because I can't read their minds (The most important thing is to pay attention to their body language and how they are responding. If they are short with you then they could be feeling smothered or stressed about something so they wont be able to give you support, in those cases its best to stop all forward movement) and I realized that perhaps she's been distant because she just doesn't want to hear about my issues anymore. (Friends and partner will try to be there for you, but its important to not completely rely on them to calm down your emotions because If its repetitive then they will feel like things wont change or that their help isnt working. You also have to participate in your own rescue) I feel very BAD about this now, and I'm even more upset than I already was because I care about my friends and the last thing I want to do is harm their mental health uninvitedly and unintentionally. (You won't harm their mental health, its just constant negativity might make people back away because they need to recharge themeselves, and if you go after them when they back away then they will start to ve short and talk to you less. You have tp learn tp stand up on your own two feet as well, and not relying entirely on them. They are times you should share things with family and friends, but not where its constant) There's a lack of communication on the other side though, and she doesn't tell me whether or not I'm being too much.(We dont know what she is thinking, but she will mever tell you those things because she is afraid to hurt your feelings.) She simply goes radio silent (This is a sign she is starting to feel smothered, so its important to give her that space until she comes to you)and that makes me feel worse(This mostly has to do with abandonment issues, its hard for you to cope when someone backs away) than being asked to back it up a little or stick to journaling instead might. And I've been aware of this, I've tried not to mention any of my personal feelings or what I'm going through to her at all and I've just been responding to whatever she has going on or whatever she's interested in at the time. (She might want to talk about other things as well, not just a conversation about issues. Its important to have the right balance of having a lot of normal conversations and less of conversation about issues to see if that will work) But I feel her pulling away, shutting me out and I know something's not right. (You are right, something is going on here. She is seeking space at the moment) We're FAR from close now and I feel like I'm just someone she talks to when there's no one else available at the moment and it never used to be this way. (It's really unfortunate that she is making you less of a priority, if you make her a priority in this situation then she will keep doing this)I feel guilty and disappointed in myself.