Unsure if cutting ties is the right thing to do, some help would be appreciated please?
Ok so this is a tad bit complicated, so bare with me please.
I met this friend through an online game about two year ago, back when I was a completely different person in a completely different environment. When I first met them, I was dealing with some physical issues that contributed a great deal to my depression and anxiety. Since then I've evolved and grown in many different ways and I'm back to my normal happy self yet again, and am in a wonderfully healthy environment. I have a habit of always trying to make people feel better, and that's really all I ever want to do is to make things better in any way I can. There's one major problem though...
I feel like I'm being drained, every single time I speak to this friend I'm just exhausted and have to hide for a few days to regain my energy. I've reached a point where I'm constantly appearing offline on what little social media accounts I have just to avoid having to speak to them, and I feel terrible for doing it. I know they're battling depression almost all of the time and that they have so many awful things going on in their life, that's the reason why I feel so guilty for appearing offline and avoiding them.
But I'm reaching a point where I'm wondering if they're not healthy for me anymore and that I maybe should cut ties to protect myself? I'm so selective about who I'm friends with and who I allow to get anywhere near me that I only have one other friend that isn't a family member, so cutting ties with someone is a very big deal to me.
My gut says to be straight forward with them and to just end it, nicely and as gently as possible of course. I just feel like I'd be betraying them and be making a mistake. I run into this problem a lot where my gut says one thing, which is usually the right answer, but then my brain says otherwise. Could I maybe get a little help please?
@MysticSpirit
hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
Since then I've evolved and grown in many different ways and I'm back to my normal happy self yet again, and am in a wonderfully healthy environment. I have a habit of always trying to make people feel better, and that's really all I ever want to do is to make things better in any way I can. (This is a sign you tend to put other people happiness and needs ahead of your own even if you don't feel good about it. I can also tell this people pleasing as well) There's one major problem though...
I feel like I'm being drained, every single time I speak to this friend I'm just exhausted and have to hide for a few days to regain my energy. (It's understandable how you feel, this happen quite often, and it's normal the way you feel. I'm guessing he is either expressing how he/she feels all the time or the conversations are all about him/her?) I've reached a point where I'm constantly appearing offline on what little social media accounts I have just to avoid having to speak to them, and I feel terrible for doing it. (I could see why you would do this, we all have our own unique support energy, once it runs out is where it can be quite tough to support the other person. One thing i would like to point out is that you could be afraid of confrontation, stating boundaries and being open with them out of fear, so you tend to avoid the person) I know they're battling depression almost all of the time and that they have so many awful things going on in their life, that's the reason why I feel so guilty for appearing offline and avoiding them. (People with depression go through a horrible time, and they do feel lost. I don't want in any way to bash anyone with depression, but it can make them drain their families and friends after a long time. The person who is the most caring is the one they will come to support often, and it will slowly affect their support energy. In your case i can see how overwhelming it feels to support your friend, and its hard knowing what to do, so for you its easier to avoid than to somehow hurt him. Boundaries are important to have with people who have depression because of they can drain the other people)
But I'm reaching a point where I'm wondering if they're not healthy for me anymore and that I maybe should cut ties to protect myself? (I could see why you would think this, however they don't know how you feel and how this is affecting you. Its almost as if appearing offline and avoiding them is a sign of hoping they would figure out how you feel) I'm so selective about who I'm friends with and who I allow to get anywhere near me that I only have one other friend that isn't a family member, so cutting ties with someone is a very big deal to me.
My gut says to be straight forward with them and to just end it, nicely and as gently as possible of course. (If this is your choice then i respect it, but it needs to be in a very loving and kind way. You have listen to this person for a long time without gently expressing how this makes you feel, so the other person doesn't know how you feel.)
@freshLight64 @freshLight64 Sorry its taken me so long to reply, Ive been without an internet connection and a cell signal because a tornado hit my town and caused a bit of trouble (Im fine and no one got hurt though, so no worries).
I most certainly do have a terrible habit of putting other peoples happiness before myself, and Im working to remind myself that I cant help anyone unless I help myself first. They spoke nothing but of all the negatives going on, and basically ignored all the little positives even though I would point them out. Im generally a positive person and am very empathic. So while I can handle negativity considerably well, I can only handle it but for so long before I start to wither away. I dont mind listening to someones problems and helping them find a solution if they want it, I flourish on knowing someone is feeling better after speaking to me. But if they just come to wallow in their misery and do it time and time again without any kind of improvement after a long time then it becomes a problem for me.
@MysticSpirit
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
Sorry its taken me so long to reply, Ive been without an internet connection and a cell signal because a tornado hit my town and caused a bit of trouble (Im fine and no one got hurt though, so no worries). (It's understandable, no worries, you had a lot of going on because of the tornado. Hopefully things are going well for you, and best of wishes to everyone over there)
I most certainly do have a terrible habit of putting other peoples happiness before myself, (I can relate to this, and its like this drive and urge to put other people first that can be hard to really fight off. If people didn't make you feel seen or that what you wanted was important or dismiss your needs then it feels like love is conditional, and then it makes you please other people) and Im working to remind myself that I cant help anyone unless I help myself first. (You are doing an amazing job at this, thats the best way to combat those feelings) They spoke nothing but of all the negatives going on, and basically ignored all the little positives even though I would point them out. (If they talk about negative once in awhile or not as often then you woulld be to recharge, but if its negativity constantly then its draining, even more so when they don't fully hear the positives) Im generally a positive person and am very empathic. (Great traits to have as a person, but its important to surround yourself who have the same energy. Thiere is a level of differentation, so in your case yours is high while theirs is low, so this made you put your differentation at their level which made you unhappy and drained) So while I can handle negativity considerably well, I can only handle it but for so long before I start to wither away. (It's perfectly understandable, we are human beings, and a lot of negativity when it comes to depression can impact mental health and the things you do everyday) I dont mind listening to someones problems and helping them find a solution if they want it, I flourish on knowing someone is feeling better after speaking to me. But if they just come to wallow in their misery and do it time and time again without any kind of improvement after a long time then it becomes a problem for me. (Definetly true, its like your energy starts to go down while they are not showing improvement. This can definetly become a problem because it becomes overwhelming after awhile. I feel the same way as well, so i can definetly relate to what you said)
I did end up cutting ties without speaking to them, because no matter how I wouldve approached them they wouldve certainly been hurt more deeply than me disappearing without a saying a word. (You made the right decision even though it wasn't an easy one to make. I do feel they wouldn't have reacted possitively if you had confronted them because they would have been focused on their perceived guilt and would have reacted in a way where it would have make you feel guilty, and then you would have stay helping them out of guilt)
Although I still feel bad for them, and probably will for quite some time, (It's normal you feel this way, you care about them, and it was a tough decision to made, but in time you will feel much better) I feel 100% better! Before it felt like I had this painful unmovable weight sitting in my chest, and as soon as I cut ties it was gone. (This is a sign you realized you have a self, and you decided to take care of your well being because their issues started to affected you. You probably had a lot of guilty, confusion and feeling heavy in terms of what to do) I havent felt so... free? Alive? Light? Im not sure what the right word would be but Ill stick with free. Anyway, I havent felt like I do now for a very, very long time. (Im glad you, you deserve to feel this lightness in your chest, its a sign of feeling free of things. I want you to remember this feeling and let this feeling guide you, if you don't feel this way in terms of someone breaking boundaries, people being negative, or not treating you properly then it would be a sign to set them)
@freshLight64 I did end up cutting ties without speaking to them, because no matter how I wouldve approached them they wouldve certainly been hurt more deeply than me disappearing without a saying a word.
Although I still feel bad for them, and probably will for quite some time, I feel 100% better! Before it felt like I had this painful unmovable weight sitting in my chest, and as soon as I cut ties it was gone. I havent felt so... free? Alive? Light? Im not sure what the right word would be but Ill stick with free. Anyway, I havent felt like I do now for a very, very long time.
I greatly appreciate you taking the time to listen to me and give such useful advice. If anyone knows how much thought and effort it takes to listen and try to help its me, so I truly do thank you.