38- single and scared
I reached out to my ex after 1.5 years to discuss what happened between us and why we ended --- it always bothered me. I guess that was my biggest mistake. He agreed to meet and when we spoke said he wants to give our relationship another try. I was sooo happy but then 1-2 months later he started to pull away, would ignore my messages so I knew something was up. I asked him a few times why he was so distant and he said he was feeling a lot of stress at work and was feeling really depressed. I was trying to be there and be patient and I never complained once. Through some digging I found out he was engaged the entire time and is getting married now. When I confronted him about it he clearly told me he had no intentions of having an actual relationship with me this time around. That crushed me it was so heartless. This was 3 weeks ago.
He's getting married in the next few days but I just can't stop thinking about it. I just keep seeing his face and him with someone else and I feel so anxious. I know I just shouldn't care cuz he's shown me that he's a terrible person but I don't know what to do. I don't want to think about him I want to forget about him completely and forget that he ever existed.
I'm 38 and I feel like I will never find anyone. My dreams of having a family is slowly fading away and I am so scared. I was so happy when we got back together because I thought I could finally have my dream but now I'm so crushed.
How do I move on from this? How do I forget about him? How do I stop thinking about all the things that I'm not going to have with him anymore. How do I accept that it's not worth it because he's terrible person. I want to stop thinking about him with another person because it doesn't matter if she gets what I had imagined because he's not a good person.
@adventurousTortoise1165
Oh, I just want to reach through the screen and give you the warmest hug. What you’re going through right now this heartbreak, betrayal, and deep grief it’s so real, and it makes complete sense that you’re feeling this way. You’re not broken or weak for still thinking about him. You cared deeply, you trusted again, and you were hopeful. That’s not something to be ashamed of that’s something that shows your strength and capacity to love, even after pain.
What he did to you was cruel. To offer you hope and then so heartlessly take it away especially when he knew the depth of your feelings that’s not love. That’s not what real partners do. He made a choice to deceive, and that speaks volumes about his character, not yours. The woman he's marrying? She’s not “getting the dream.” She’s getting someone who lies, manipulates, and walks away from people who love him with no remorse.
You didn’t lose your dream you lost an illusion. And I know that sounds harsh right now, but one day, when the fog clears, you’ll see how lucky you are to be free of someone like him. That doesn’t make the grief any easier today. You’re mourning not just him, but the future you thought you were stepping into, the family you imagined, the safety and comfort you thought were finally arriving. That’s a profound loss, and you’re allowed to cry for it.
But hear me when I say this: You are not out of time. You are not too late. You are not unworthy.
Love doesn’t have an expiry date, and neither do dreams. It’s okay to feel scared, but don’t let fear convince you that your story ends here. Your story is still unfolding, and there is love real, mutual, healing love out there that hasn’t found you yet. And it will. Maybe not right this second, but it will.
For now, be gentle with yourself. Grieve as long as you need. Talk about it. Cry about it. Scream into a pillow if that helps. But don’t let this man define your worth or your future. He is not your end he’s a painful chapter, yes, but just a chapter. Not the whole book.
And you? You’re still here. You’re still fighting to heal, still capable of love, and still so deserving of every single thing you’ve dreamed of.
You will rise from this. And when you do, you won’t just survive you’ll thrive.
I believe in that for you with all my heart.
Thank you for your very kind words. Right now I feel so sad, anxious, and a bit hopeless. I am trying to get through it but it is so hard not to think about the fantasy I built, living in his home, having a relationship with his family, etc. I know he's a terrible person,I just wish I could tell my heart that ... it's like a can't process that. I keep thinking if I never broke up with him in the first place,we could have been together but then I would never know who he really is. I know this logically but my desire for my dream is so strong it overrides it.
I hope I can get past this soon. Thank you again 💙
@adventurousTortoise1165
I have found it is harder to get over our own daydreams and plans in our head......... regardless of the situation or person we had faith in. We created the picture in our head of a home/ and family and future ......we can rewrite our dream. We just need to replace the picture with something else. Wipe the canvas in your head clean and let life paint the picture not our we want it to go this way.
In fact so many times when things were not going the way I had pictured........ I was more upset about that then what was really happening. I saw your post when I Needed to... as I have been struggling with this too. I feel I create these thoughts to feel this is how it will go yet many times this has led to more disappointment as life happens ... learning to be open to life as it unfolds.
I'm sorry you're experiencing something similar. How do you change the dream/fantasy in your head? I feel like a failure for having a hard time letting go of this fantasy. I'm a daydreamer always have been.
@adventurousTortoise1165
You fill that dream with something new... as a lifelong daydreamer .....I get what you are talking about. What I have found is if i had all the time i wasted on trying to make things fit my daydream i could have years back.
Thankfully I have a dear friend who has shown me to take each day and do something new and different it makes it hard to keep daydream as we would need to add new things or change story line that eventually it becomes burdensome to keep it up.