7 year relationship ended with cheating
hello everyone my partner (31f) just recently cheated on me(30m) about two weeks ago which forced a break up. it is still very fresh to me and it has caused a lot of stress on my day to day life. I can’t eat, get a full nights of rest, watch tv or anything that requires my attention.
a little back story. A coworker of hers had a birthday party at his house where he decided to cheat on his wife with a friend of his. After the incident he quickly called my gf at 3am asking for advice and how to navigate though it. We decided to go out for lunch with her co worker and his wife the next day to be of support. We start drinking having a good time. Our lunch was coming to an end but we decided to go to a local brewery in our neighborhood. At the brewery my ex and her co worker disappear for a suspicious amount of time
I am at the table with his wife wondering where they went and what was going on, I texted my ex asking what the hold up was. She said she had been talking to her coworker about the night before with his friend. I thought that was a little weird but I brushed it off, once they made it back I kept noticing nervous eye contact between them. So I pulled my ex aside and asked about what happened with their disappearance. She said he just vented about cheating that was all.
we all go home and I woke up to her coworkers wife letting me know that her husband has slept with my ex that night. she found deleted messages of them later that night. I was completely blindsided by it all, his wife also had to tell me that it was unprotected sex and he had fished on her chest. I was obliterated with all of the info the wife was providing.
Cheating is unforgivable in my opinion so we broke up right away moved out the same day. Went no contact with her for the rest of the week. Week 2 we talk and meet in person that same day. Sat on the beach and just talked for 3 hours. After it all I was left confused and not knowing what I really wanted anymore. Is it healthy to keep contact with your cheating ex also occasionally seeing each other? Could I get past this issue while working things out with her? I don’t know.
thank you listening.
@AshbyHurtado
That is why it is hard to draw a set line in the sand on an item ... " cheating is unforgivable"
now that it has happened....... you may question if your feelings are so strong ..... can you overcome many people have forgiven and moved on ..... are they all Wrong ..... or perhaps forgiveness worked for them.
There are a million different things that could lead to a person ending up in your shoes.... none of the catchy little lines are 100% true either the "once a cheater always a cheater " items. i know of many happened once and never again.
IMO people may have changing opinions on items... once they see it first hand....
i assume in your 3 hour talk you might have talked about the real how or why it happened.....
not he was confiding in her and oops.... many people get propositioned the difference of those who do or do NOT go for it is a decision made ....
what are your partners opinion on cheating? ........was it always the same or did it at some time change?
i say this because i think many things can lead a person down a path they never assumed they would go or perhaps they would say NO way .would i ever ........ but here you are ...
it is not just proximity to someone or they were friends etc. Something in their mind rationalized taking a step that crossed that line. It is different for most all of those who strayed or even those who CONSIDERED it.
Until the person can acknowledge and deal with why ... they can not share with you and forgive themselves either.
@AshbyHurtado
Sorry to hear this happened to you. I (42m) was in a similar spot at your age where I just learned I wife had stepped out. In my opinion, while you can forgive it on a personal level the relationship has been betrayed and is not fixable. If you have kids and have to talk to her, that's the only way I'd advise it. Otherwise keep to the no contact. You don't have to delete all connections, unfollow, unfriend or anything dramatic. Just let them go. Focus on yourself... give yourself time to get over the devastation a cheating partner does to you. During a relationship a lot of people lose parts of themselves. If that happened, find those parts again... renew old hobbies or passions, workout, hang with friends. Improve your career/income. Become an even better version of yourself and attract a better partner that doesn't cheat.
If you're going to try and be friends with an ex, I believe you'd have to wait until you're both over the breakup. I am friends with the ex-wife I mentioned but it wasn't until several years later that we started talking again. I've also known her since we were kids though.. if it were someone I met now and dated a while and they cheat, I'd walk away and never look back.
@AshbyHurtado
Ok so I have been epicly cheated on and I now feel many factors are involved whether to proceed afterwards:
1. Cheater's Heart -- it is habitual repeated behavior for them LEAVE THESE.
2. Oops -- maybe someone got drunk at a party woke up naked with another person not their partner, and are really sorry. Forgive and move on!
And stuff in between.
Things to think about. Repentance or lack thereof is KEY.
Thank you for sharing
@AshbyHurtado welcome!!
@AshbyHurtado wow to go and support a wife who was cheated on by the husband and then your gf goes and sleeps with that same guy...that's a real sick thing to do. I wouldn't surround yourself with her anymore because she also backstabbed your guy's friend who needed support. yeah no delete her forever