Advice needed
Earlier this year I caught my husband looking, liking pictures and chatting with women online. I confronted him and he denied alot of it and then said it was nothing. He stopped for awhile and recently I noticed his social media was alot of younger women. I feel this is disrespectful to me and our relationship. Am I wrong to feel this way? And since this is repeating again should I really think of walking away?
@Sunshine927
Hi. No, you’re not wrong to feel this way. Your feelings are valid. If this has happened before then it’s looking like a pattern of behaviour.
You’re quite right to be questioning this and reflecting.
We've been married for 29yrs and alot vested in us and the family. But I just dont know if this is fair to me to feel like not enough. He tells me he loves me and blah blah blah but I feel its just words anymore.
Update:
I asked my husband to see his phone and noticed there was an uninstalled app for messaging. Not one we every used and I asked him about it and again he said he didnt know anything about it. I asked can we reinstall and see if it logs you in. He said sure with no hesitation. When I did it automatically recognized his phone number and when it opened there was at least 5 females pictures and all of them had some type of conversation. But 2 had sexual pictures of the girl and inappropriate conversation on both his and her parts. When he saw all this he said thats not me I never did that....I have no idea what all this is. One of the comments mentioned meeting up and finding time that wouldn't signal a red flag to the wife.
My mind is all over the place and I feel in my gut he is covering and lying to me but then he wasn't defensive like being caught.....
I need input do I believe him or leave??
@Sunshine927
He was caught.. again. he knows it .... he tried badly to cover but I think you know the truth.
At this point in chats if he was even entertaining a meet up etc. You uncovering this may not be scary but a relief. so he is not defensive or fighting to save what you had probably because he does not feel it can be saved... when did your connection fade.
Now what happens .... what happened last time did you resolve or find out why he was chatting with anyone? did you examine if things were working for both of you. Or did you pretend nothing was wrong and assume all was fine.
He's not defensive but continues to say he has no idea who these people are he would never meet up with anyone. He said his phone was hacked and this was not his messages! He keeps telling me that he loves me and only wants to be with me forever. Could the hacking be true? And these messages were all dated at the end of last year during the time I originally caught him on a secret messaging app that was deleted from his phone. I asked him to reinstall the app he said he knew nothing about and it logged him in automatically by his number. He gave me the phone a said sure. Would he do that knowing something would be there? Or did he think he was safe and that it would delete old items if he had uninstalled the app. I feel like im loosing my mind with all of this bs!
About 2yrs ago we went through a tough time with our daughter and we were so focused on her we didnt have much time for each other. But then things changed and we were good, obviously not since he started talking to others online last year.
When I caught him before we were working thru all our lack of communication and it all felt good. He even started counseling a couple months ago, still going.
@Sunshine927
aah yes if messages were that a year old etc and ended when caught before then why not just admit it. A real hacker would not bother to un-install and not just delete the entire thing. They do not care about the real owner of the phone. They usually hack for financial gain not to send secret messages. I get he might want you to buy the hacker theory to end the discussion and situation.
I have more hope for this knowing this was addressed and there were communication issues at time of message issues. Far too many IMO do not address the issues and then messages or behaviors happen again.
I felt the same way a hacker cares nothing of the person they are violating amd would not do this with nothing to gain. And they dont install and uninstall messaging apps for the use of messages???
Should I continue to push this conversation for the truth? Or should I drop it because it was messages dated from last year when this all started?
@Sunshine927
That is a question only you know.
Old and not still happening messages and you feel secure in how relationship is going perhaps let it go. Part of us wants the truth but thru the work you have done to reconnect etc he is not the same as a year ago.
He may be embarrassed and not want to relive the issue. however, he did not think out a good excuse of the old messages.
I really appreciate all your thoughts and help with trying to navigate this...
We have so many years together. Yes I do agree that he isn't the man he was a year ago but why not come clean or have a better excuse....why still stay with "i dont know"
@Sunshine927
maybe he is not sure of the "Why" now.... I think of times in my life that I made a decision to do something I later wish I had not done.
simple things like not accepting a job that would have been a better choice... making excuses that were flimsy instead of telling someone the truth I simply did not want to do whatever they were asking of me.
Maybe in the moment I could rationalize the "why" but with 20/20 hindsight.... it does not make sense to me and I could kick myself for the stupid move.