Advice please
I had a fight with my bf 3 weeks ago and he blocked me on *** because I controlled his follows. In short it was good in the beginning, not the first year of relationship,our families know each other and they like us together. But then he became close to friends that have a dating app and he was there too. But I thought after talking about it he understands. But then he started to text some random girls and from games too... you play a game and damn it doesn't mean you have to ask for the contacts! It made me cry a lot. We were talking about it but you understand why I started to check it and control it... Since then we talked just a little bit but I'm still blocked on ***. I said sorry for controlling him but he didn't say sorry for talking to others
Help me with advice...how not to control it and idk just say something good to me please... Because I love this person... and I'm going to do everything
I'm just going crazy knowing that he follows girls and I don't know what should I do... ð¥º
Should I try to increase my value?
@GoodThinker7
Contacts in games can be helpful depending on game. people share tips/ tricks etc. talking to others even if they are girls should not be a threat to you. If it is he is not that into you.
Controlling behavior like who he can talk to, or contact will only backfire on you. if you want a future be upfront and communicate how you feel and listen to and believe him when he can have friends without it being a problem.
Thanks, probably I forgot to mention that our families are close and it's not the first year of relationship...so in the beginning I didn't do it.
But when he became strange a few month ago I started to do it. I was so tired of that dating app,then how another girl told me he texted her just to talk...so it's not okay... That's why I wanted to talk about it but seems some people are not able to do it...
But anyway I agree I should stop doing it because it made the situation worse ...
Thanks for listening
@GoodThinker7
Never ever think you have to increase your value.
You are enough as you are.
I agree, you cannot control his behaviour.
Honesty and trust are key but he shouldn't block you, it's healthier to have a proper conversation 💜💕
@GoodThinker7
Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us, sometimes just writing down what’s going on in our minds can be freeing.
You mentioned how the relationship was relatively good in the beginning but over the course of the last few months things got strange between you both. You found out about the dating app and his sudden interest in messaging people on gaming platforms, I can see why this is so frustrating and emotionally draining for you. This wasn’t something that happened from the start of the relationship, but gradually something you became aware of, as it sparked you to recognise your boundaries. That’s a strength that many people still struggle to maintain or even adapt when navigating their relationships.
I can see just how much this means to you and it seems like you hold a lot of value for communication in your relationship, as you mentioned you have tried to discuss your feelings with him. However, you were met with him lacking accountability. I understand that can be really isolating. It sounds like you’re aware of the imbalanced communication and how that may intensify your feelings of instability and lack of security in the relationship, especially when your emotions and thoughts feel as though they aren’t truly heard or valued.
You sound like you have a lot of self-awareness, where you acknowledged that trying to control his actions may not have helped the situation, as well as going that step further with attempting to reconciliate with him. And that takes a lot of time and self-reflection to get to that point. You’re ticking all the right boxes and it sounds like you’re discovering what a healthy relationship might look like to you.
You also mentioned that you’d do ‘everything’ to keep from losing him. I can see this comes from a place of pain and a longing to be valued by him. It also shows just how committed and loyal you are, but I’m wondering how those efforts feel when they come at the expense of forfeiting your boundaries and values?
I specifically noticed in your reply, when he speaks to a high number of girls, you said ‘that’s not okay’. That’s really telling that you’re aware of your boundaries and what emotional safety looks like for you. Again, it’s such a positive ability to be able to recognise what you expect from a relationship and ensuring your partner meets you at that level.
The implications of potential family pressure of them wanting it to ‘work’ seems to be weighing on your mind a lot too. Maybe a struggle that you’ve found yourself in is separating your own needs vs what others hope for?
I’ve dropped in a few questions for you:
I appreciate these may take some time to think about, but you’ve already shown that your more than capable of expressing self-awareness of your needs and thinking about how to best navigate your emotions. You can choose to address them in any way you like! (by yourself, with a friend/family or someone from the 7Cups community)
- When you think about respect and feeling secure in a relationship, what sort of behaviour and communication do you look for?
- If you think about your future-self, what kind of relationship would you like to be a part of?
- What do you need right now to help feel more in control whilst dealing with the uncertainty of you and your boyfriend’s relationship?
As Amanda so rightly stated, you don’t need to “increase your value”. Your worth isn’t measured by what someone else chooses to do. Value doesn’t need to bend or change in order to be validated. You already have value. It’s about deciding what kind of relationship truly honours it 💛
