Am I a failure?
In 2020, I met my ex during COVID, and we found several shared connections and career ambitions. However, things got complicated as her parents disapproved of our relationship, especially when it came to COVID precautions and the extravagant gestures they expected from me. Despite being financially responsible, her parents' lack of effort in getting to know me added tension, and their involvement eventually led to our break-up. Her parents said I would end up living off of her, meanwhile I was a typical broke college student putting himself through school and saving for my own car at the time.
Interestingly, I learned that my ex is now dating someone new and mentioned that she's enrolled in a physical therapy program we had initially planned to get her into and I would visit once I had income and a car and none of the stress of the program i was in at the time. My recent success in becoming a licensed physical therapist and gaining financial independence stands in stark contrast to the earlier relationship dynamics. I'm unsure if she'll be able to handle the stress of the program she's in and her anxieties, and I wonder if she will ever establish boundaries with her family.
I'm open to the possibility of reconnecting, but I doubt if she'll be able to make those necessary changes. These challenging years are now behind me as I embark on my career, while the complexities of our past relationship still linger. Despite going on dates with other people, I can't deny that I still have feelings for my ex, but I question whether she truly deserves my support at this point. Am I failure? We're her parents right about me? My family and loved ones are giving me so much praise for becoming a physical therapist, and I am happy, I did cry tears of joy...but I still feel this need to prove myself and make her parents see how wrong they were. But I still feel guilty for putting school first, I still feel like a failure, regardless of the fact I finally have my life back, a new life
And advice would be appreciated.
@toughPapaya1551
Hi Papaya! 😊 ❤️ I'm so glad that you have created this forum post and have reached out for support! I commend you for doing so and I know it can take a great deal of courage. I am more than happy to, in essence, spend some time with you here, *hold your hand* and hopefully be helpful and try to be a sounding board to help process some of these feelings and emotions.
I think it's deplorable that you have been made to feel this way. I truly do. I can only imagine how very much you cared for your ex, were doing your personal best to be a good and caring partner for her, doing your personal best to put yourself through school and achieve a bit of success all the while being the recipient of such negativity from her parents.
It sounds so very confusing to me as to how and why these parents would say such terrible things. Clearly you have achieved, clearly you were being successful in your own right by putting yourself through school even then by focusing on your academics which truly is the name of the game and our jobs to do at a certain age if academia is a path we want to take. You should have been commended at that time as well as to be commended now!
I am here to do so! Well done my friend! *high fives* 😊 And to answer your question, NO, you are not a failure! In fact, it is a bit interesting how the tides do change and that perhaps it is your ex that is the one that is currently "riding on the struggle bus". Hey, just sayin'.
I would have to agree with you that it appears that her parents were overly involved and clearly at a detriment to her. It's a strange and horrible accusation to make, to say that you "would end up living off of her". Well, clearly we can see that they were incorrect in their assumptions.
One never knows what psychological problems these parents have. It sounds as if they may have boundary issues, problems with control as well as possible projecting onto you things, that may be wrong with them? It seems as if where we stand today, those comments were more about them and less about you. Today, we can see that "It's a them problem and not a you problem"! 😁
One never knows if she will ever find a way to establish healthy boundaries with her family. So far, it's not looking very promising. (The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior). I can understand why you would be concerned if she would ever have the capability of making the necessary changes to have a relationship with you and to move forward with you, irrespective of her parents and their meddling.
She may not ever be deserving of your support. It's a possibility that one could always consider prior to making the decision to reach out to her, once again. Question for you....do you want to risk being involved in all of that once again? Do you want to risk having horrible things said about you that clearly you don't deserve? Do you want to take on the challenge of being made to feel this way, over and over again even before you have had the opportunity to heal from their past behavior? Do you feel as if these people simply have a propensity for highly negative thoughts as well as behavior and that there could never be any "winning" for you?
Interesting comment for you.......when you point the finger at someone else, there's always 3 more pointing right back at you. Go ahead, make that hand gesture and you'll see what I mean. I wonder if these folks lack self awareness and may never see the fault in their thinking, be eternally miserable and find fault with others consistently?
Moving on to one of your other thoughts...."I feel the need to prove myself and make her parents see how wrong they were". Could anyone blame you for feeling this way? I certainly do not! This is a natural feeling that anyone would have. They were wrong and you were right! Ha ha hahah hahahah.😁 He who laughs last, laughs best. You my friend, truly get the last laugh in all of this even though this isn't a funny thing to have to deal with.
Have you considered that knowing that you did it, that you are in the winners circle, the true hero and not the "zero" could be enough for you if enough time passes? I don't blame you for being hurt by their behavior. Maybe over time you may come to the conclusion that people that have faulty thinking are not the ones that you need to seek external validation from. You have nothing to prove, at all. And especially not to them!
Your family is proud of you, those that care about and know you best are proud of you and I am proud of you too! Those that know you best might only be the ones from time to time that you might want to seek a bit of external validation from.
Seeking external validation could even be seen as an "ego" move (getting a bit Zen at the moment, lol 😊). You know you are good. Hopefully that feeling will grow more over time and with age. Hopefully you will gain confidence in yourself. Having self confidence, knowing who and what you are and what it is that you stand for is more of shedding the "ego" and coming closer to "self actualization".
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us today! I hope that in some way, form or fashion, something or anything that I said resonates with you or was somehow helpful.
Your forum post, thoughts and feelings really did resonate with me. What you said "spoke" to me and to my heart. ❤️
*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️ Stay great my friend! 😊
Sorry for the late response, thank you so much for this. I'm crying reading it. I know what her new bf does for work. He won't be able to take care of her, meanwhile that's what her parents told her about me just because I didn't plan dates and take her out in the middle of my education on top of the pandemic, her father is doctor. Reason why it all hurts more. I know she's probably feeling suffocated since she's now in the shoes I wore the last 2 years in the program. I just wanted to be there for her when it was "her turn" and now she is with someone else. Although this person definitely has something I didn't, free time, he also doesn't have something I do, a foundation. And it hurts more after sacrificcijg so much to get to this point. And again, you'd think a doctor would understand this. I just miss her deeply. I got back from a date tonight and I can't get her out of my head. I'm supposed to be estatic, I have job interviews this week, meeting new girls, got my car...but all I can think about is that my ex isn't here to see it. All I wanted to do was drive to her house whenever I wanted, I couldn't do that before because of not having a car, and school, and now I can .....but she is away at school and not with me anymore. Just feel guilty for putting my future first
@toughPapaya1551,
whatever the reason, you guys broke up and she's in a relationship with someone else.
Seems she moved on and is leading her life.
