Am I over thinking?
I’ve been married for five years. I have two kids when my wife was pregnant with our first she stopped really caring about her overall. And didn’t want to be intimate. I tried to understand and be supportive because I think she’s beautiful without anything. I recently got medically discharged from the military because I broke my back in 2020 we have been through a lot and just this last year, my wife had a placental abruption and had an emergency C-section. She got diagnosed with aortic aneurysm and tricuspid valve syndrome. We moved to Utah for two months because I was promised a job by a family member that fell through. We now live in California in her hometown so she has old friends and I don’t know anybody she all of a sudden started caring about her overall parents but she keeps getting invited to things that I’m not allowed to go to because it’s girls night. I want her to have fun and enjoy her friends but deep down it makes me feel anxious.
Is it weird for somebody to go a long time not caring about how they look when they’re in a relationship and then all of a sudden starting to care?
@imaginativeDay4775
although it is possible that the care about herself and looks can be simple depression it can also be as you are thinking. sometimes when happier in a place when they know others and have an outlet a person may decide to be more aware of their looks.
You have both been through a lot in a short time and if you have not had the ability to talk about things and communicate. It may be time for you both to take stock in where your family is going to live and build your life. Do you see a job/ career in her home town ... without a plan temporary sometimes becomes permanent.
I’ve been applying and only had 3 interviews with no luck. No one wants to hire the mentally and physically ill person when they could hire someone else that could do the job better. I keep applying though. I love my kids but it’s becoming something that I physically can’t pick them up together anymore so quite literally someone else is better for this job than me and I need to find a job so that I’m worth more alive than dead no matter how his relationship goes.
@imaginativeDay4775
Hello. May I ask you what is more precisely the thing you are actually thinking over?
What would you tell about the condition of your relationship before your first child?
Speaking about your wife neglecting her looks before: Do you think she has suffered from some depressive moods or the baby blues? Is it possible getting pregnant and becoming a mother (twice) didn't align too well with her visions of life?
As for her suddenly renewed interest in her attractiveness levels now: Do you think it may be resulting from her female company being more harsh on that matter than men looking at women are? Or maybe partying with old friends feeling like her symbolic coming back to the "old, good, puppy days"? Or maybe her return to her old neighbourhood giving her more sense of security (unlike to you, a stranger there)?
As a foreigner I've had some difficulty with understanding your message, being not familiar with so many medical terms. Do you think that your partner's behaviours can be some kind of her "emotional defense" from her serious health problems cumulating recently?
Unfortunately, I am afraid I have to ask a question which remained unspoken so far... Do you think those are all girls' parties? How do you feel, are they within reasonable boundaries: more like once for two weeks or once a month, but not several times a week?
Everybody deserves some fun, but, hey, it's you who is stuck at home with two children every day! What about your recharging your batteries?
Thank you so much for these questions that I can reflect on it helps a lot. I got a chance to talk with her and started reflecting on my emotions and why I feel the way that I do. I had a childhood that wasn’t good that caused a lot of inconsistencies. Unfortunately it’s taken me this long to start working on fixing them because I barred them WAY down. To sum it up I think I am just over thinking and she was just depressed. It took being out of Alaska and back with family/friends for her to start feeling herself again. I don’t want to let my feelings get in the way of her doing a girls night once in a while or good to a wedding. I just have a fear of abandonment. As for the cross fit gym I can’t do pushups or sit-ups or walk more than a mile. Caring my kids up and down the stairs has been pushing my physical limits. It’s not a strength issue it’s a spinal nerve issue which doesn’t help the fear of abandonment lol. The list of things that I want to do first things that I can do a scale is tipping towards can’t do which is made my insecurities come out more.
I really do appreciate your help and time.
@imaginativeDay4775
although it may sound cliche, please slow down!
2 children in five years is insanely challenging for a wife on top of your Health challenges.
If she’s suddenly now taking care of herself it probably means that her support system has changed and finally she’s able to feel like somewhat herself.
In regards to your personal situation, I suggest baby steps. There are many free hobbies and activities. Not sure where in CA you’re located but there’s many local programs and great outdoor things to do.
Maybe talking walks? Writing in a journal? Giving yourself little goals? Educating your children what having a broken back means and finding ways you could be close to them.
I got sniped before my second was born. 👍same page.
