Am I really unreasonable?
My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for 10 of those 12. Over the course of our relationship I knew drinking was something that was part of our social life. Going out with friends when we had no kids etc. it was ok and fine. Though one thing I noticed in my wife is that she never knew when to stop. Something I put up with for the most part and set aside. Young a dumb right. Well 12 years later nothing has changed and it bothers me. We have 3 kids 9 years old and younger and she comes home after work and proceeds to drink probably 3-4 drinks every night. Then she wants to go out and in her words just be silly and gets completely wasted. Don't get me wrong I don't mind a beverage or two but I know when enough is enough and because I stop she calls me lame and says because I don't like her drinking I'm just a judgmental F***. So most weeks we are talking 18-20+ drinks and when she's out it's 6+ drinks where in my personal opinion judgment goes out the window and im worries bad things can happen. When she isn't drinking heavy she just says im a lame person and no fun she says it's just her silly personality and she deserves to be herself but I think she has a bit of a problem. I can't rationalize with her because all it does is causes a fight. She says she doesn't have a problem because she functions fine and still has a wonderful job and doesn't need it all the time and maybe alcoholic is the wrong label but she abuses it badly. Am I out of line in that thinking? She makes me feel like I’m the unreasonable one and tells me I’m the reason she drinks and I’m just lame and am no fun. She’s cheated on me once already after heavy drinking on work trips and I find not so appropriate messages on her phone to other men asking to hold her hair while she’s puking, she says it’s all just a joke but this makes all of this harder to deal with.
Am i unreasonable? Am I really just a problem?
@Jz133
No you're not, you are who u are. It'll feel comforting 😊
Hey JZ, no, you are NOT unreasonable. It sounds like she's gaslighting you and she's definitely an alcoholic.
I've been in a relationship similar to yours. My ex fiancé and I used to be heavy drinkers, I quit when we had our child and only drink once in a blue moon, but he continued to drink and wouldn't come home until 2 or 3 in the morning, but make it seem like my problem.
He'd even steal my debit card and my car to get more alcohol. He verbally, physically, and financially abused me. He didn't help with any of the bills and he didn't always help with the little one and made excuses all the time of working long hours, despite never contributing to any of our bills... I was the breadwinner and took care of it all.
We tried couple's therapy, but it didn't work out because he never wanted to talk about his drinking problem and would get up and leave...plus the therapist said to 'not bring up anything the other partner doesn't want to talk about'. She only allowed to break the rule one time, and now she finally understood how I felt...
I also tried to get him into rehab, but he refused saying it never worked for his parents and he'll just quit on his own (he wouldn't).
He would quit for a few months so I wouldn't leave him, but then blame job stress and his alcoholic dad for the reason he drinks.
He ONLY quit when it was court ordered for him to do so and has been sober since...
Don't let the problem escalate, it could get even worse over time with her drinking. She could end up physically hurting you as well. She's already verbally abusive and has cheated on you.
TLDR; If she continues to disrespect you and NOT be there for your family, you do NOT need to put up with it. Tell her she either goes to couple's counseling and/or rehab, or you're taking the kids and she can pay child support. BUT BEFORE YOU DO -- document her behaviour, whether that's journalling it down or recording her to have proof in court. Her drinking means she is not a safe person around her children. Imagine if you had to run errands one day, and she had to watch the kids -- she would not be capable with her drinking problem.
I wish you well friend, I'm sorry you are going through this situation and apologies if I overstep any boundaries with my advice. I hope you and your children are doing well. Please take care and feel free to update if you'd like. Want to make sure you're OK. I've been in your shoes...
Lastly... If you need someone to talk to about alcohol problem with your current wife, I recommend contacting Al Anon for loved ones who have an alcoholic family member, or even the domestic abuse hotline as...it sounds like she is verbally and emotionally abusing you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m sorry you have been through what you have as well. I take comfort in knowing I’m not alone in this. No need to apologize I’m figuring things out as I go. Things have been ok as of late though lingering as it’s a constant battle. I’m doing ok but I still have doubts. It’s hard for me to know what is the truth anymore and as much as I want to trust, reality it that I don’t know if I fully do. What I struggle with is that she doesn’t seem to care. I feel like a transaction or some sort of stepping stone on her way to the next exciting thing. She’s always looking for excitement and a dopamine rush.
I’m also sort of glad you mentioned gaslighting because I’ve thought she was as well and I brought it up in a conversation and she was *** I even said that. She said I just don’t like fun.
I am doing ok. Just taking things day to day and trying my best to stay rational and be here for my kids. She’s gone a lot and I’m focusing on being the best damn dad I can be for them. I work as well but I choose to be home every night and prioritize family because that’s what’s important to me. I’m starting to be more firm and trying to establish boundaries of what is unacceptable behavior for our marriage. Not an easy task but reality is that I just need to be more vocal in it. Sad thing is at times she will do things out of spite simply because I don’t like it, which sucks.
That is so hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through it.
You have every right to be concerned, and your discomfort with the situation is valid.
Regardless of what you’d label it (and she certainly is well-above casual drinking), it’s her behavior and reaction around it that matters just as much. You saying your uncomfortable matters & her deflecting and minimizing it is super invalidating & way more about her own denial and avoidance than you.
Addiction is one of the hardest things for everyone affected by it. The person usually wants to numb out so bad and feels so much shame that they will deny and distract from anything that could lead to feeling worse or get in the way of drinking.
There are Al-Anon meetings for loved ones of alcoholics that might be helpful (just remember to take what’s useful & leave the rest).
Sending some love your way!
Thank you thdeeb. I don’t ever get to talk with anyone about the problems I’m up against because I feel like no one cares. I feel all alone in this battle. Knowing others share my same concerns and or would feel similarly at least gives me a little hope and a sense of validation in feeling the way I do. I’m just struggling through it all in an attempt to save my family.
